


And I Swear We'll Be Okay

by DraculaLeftMeAtTheBar



Category: Eddsworld, ellsworld - Fandom
Genre: Anxiety, F/F, Multi, Panic Attacks, Pregnancy, Self-Harm, Vomiting, eventual polyamory
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-28
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-07-27 09:20:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 53,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7612552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DraculaLeftMeAtTheBar/pseuds/DraculaLeftMeAtTheBar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Seek the illusion of happiness that only mitigates the torment of being alive." - August Strindberg</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You Always Have A Choice

“You’re not ever gonna try and look for the father?” Ell asks.

She’s sitting on the opposite end of the couch while Tamara sits on the other. Tori is sitting on the love seat merely watching the other women converse. Matilda is upstairs frantically searching for something. You can tell she’s in heels by the clicking on the floorboards. Always in heels. Tamara is desperately trying to resist the urge to drink although it may not even matter. She notices that Tori has stopped smoking cigars though since the Norwegian woman had made the discovery. Tamara’s pregnant. It probably happened during one of her usual one night stands but this is the first time she wasn't careful.

Tamara tries to remember who the man was but decides that it’s not that important. Tamara starts to peel off the black paint on her fingernails and answers, “No. Doesn’t really matter.” Ell takes Tamara’s hands and clasps them in her own warm and much softer pair. Ell tries to get Tamara to look at her and Tori scoots forward a little. Tamara feels like the walls are closing in now and wishes she was drunk. Her intentions were for Ell and the others to never find out but Tori, ever the nosy bitch, had walked in on Tamara taking the pregnancy test. 

Tamara had missed two periods and rushed to the pharmacy the minute she realized this. Tori had walked into the bathroom while the test was being taken and Tamara screamed, “The FUCK? GET OUT!” Tori dismissed Tamara’s anger with a huff and made a bee line to the sink but stopped short when she noticed Tamara holding something in between her legs. Tori looked closely and Tamara felt herself blush but the Norwegian woman must have not noticed when she asked, “Why are you peeing on that marker?”

Tamara thought this was a chance to try and lie her way out of an explanation but Tori finally looked close enough and Tamara didn’t have time to react, “THAT’S A PREGNANCY TEST!” Tori gave Tamara a shocked look and all Tamara could give her back was a sheepish grin. 

Tori ran out quickly but returned, pulling Ell and Matilda with her. Tamara wanted to die. They waited together for the result: Tori paced nervously and Matilda held Tamara tightly. Ell chewed her fingernails. It was positive. Tamara ran into her room and shut the door. She didn't come out until the others agreed to stop asking questions. A week has passed and now.

She finally looks up at Ell who is the picture of concerned and loving. Tamara wants to drink so very badly. Ell’s voice is soft, “What are you going to do?” Tamara really doesn't want to answer these questions, especially with Tori in the room but can’t take the pressure anymore. Before she can respond, Matilda bursts in with what appears to be a small toy. She looks at Tori with a wide grin and hands her the small plush. It’s a little worn out sheep with a purple bow tie. It takes Tamara a minute before she registers what Matilda just gave her, “Isn’t this yours?”

“Yep,” Matilda nods, “from when I was a baby.”

Tamara studies the little thing before looking back up, “Why are you giving this to me?” Matilda kneels down so that she’s now the one looking up at Tamara and doesn’t stop smiling, “I want them to have it.” Tamara knows who she’s talking about but wants to be proven wrong, “Who?”

“The baby!” Matilda is so excited and Ell “awws” at this. Tori is the only one who hasn’t made a noise. Tamara pushes the toy back to Matilda, stands up, and tries to move away from the two women. She tries to rush back into the sanctity that is her room but Ell quickly grabs her wrist before she can get away. Tamara wants to scream but when she looks at Ell’s innocent expression, she bites her tongue. Matilda looks hurt, “You don’t want it? I know it’s a bit old but-“

Tamara has had enough, “I don’t want the baby.”

All three women are looking at her now and she wants desperately for Ell to let go but at the same time she wants Ell to hold her and tell her that she’s just having a bad dream. Ell is the first to speak, “You’re giving the baby up? Like for adoption?” Tamara looks to the ground and with a sigh she says, “I’m getting an abortion.”

They’re all silent and Tamara doesn’t want to look at anyone right now. Ell still won’t let go of her wrist but the urge to run away has decreased as the urge to seek refuge in Ell’s arms has increased. She’s already set up the appointment. At least she did that without the other’s hovering over her. Ell’s free hand comes up to join the hand at Tamara’s wrist. They inch themselves down until they are holding Tamara’s hand and that’s when Tamara finally looks up to see Ell smiling at her with understanding. Matilda is looking down with sadness, hugging the little sheep to her chest, and Tamara doesn’t dare look at Tori.

Ell squeezes and pats Tamara’s hand, “It’s alright. We get it. It’s your choice and we’re here for you.” Tamara lets out a breath and quickly steps forward to hug Ell in the tightest embrace she’s ever given her. Ell returns it, gently patting Tamara’s back. Matilda sits down and studies the stuffed animal, turning it over in her hands.

~

Rain is hitting the roof hard and Tamara hears a little bit of thunder starting. She lies in bed fully awake. No matter how long she keeps her eyes closed, sleep does not come. It’s really late but despite being exhausted, her mind can’t seem to shut down. Too much has happened in one day and Tamara feels a little anxiety start to flood her stomach. ’It’s gonna be okay’ she tells herself but at the same time another voice in her mind tells her that it’s not.

She’s not gonna feel guilty about what she going to do on Tuesday. She has to do it. She’ll be a terrible parent…She remembers being alone after her mother died. Her mother was a literal goddess in the eyes of an 8 year old Tamara. It was fishing trips, softball, holding hands on the ferris wheel, and eating late night snacks together. Tamara’s mother didn’t take shit from anyone and told Tamara that life is going to be hard but you’re never alone.

And then she died.

And Tamara’s father became depressed. Who could blame the man? When you loose a peace of yourself, the rest of you can fall apart. He drank and cried privately in his room so that Tamara wouldn’t see.

But she did.

He never became violent but he became distant. Tamara would start fights in school, break furniture, be detained by the cops, and yet her father never even scolded her once. Her father would pick her up and take her back to a silent home that smelled like bleach and vodka. It was the first time Tamara realized that even when a person is physically there, you can still be alone. They spent 8 more years avoiding each other or anything that would force them to confront her mother’s death.

And then he died.

And Tamara really was alone.

Things are much better now but not the best for a kid. Tamara sits up from the bed and wipes a tear that has fallen from her eye. ‘Don’t be such a baby’ she tells herself. The other little voice in her head doesn’t comment. There is no point in lying around if it doesn’t help her sleep so she gets up and sits in the living room. The thunder has gotten louder and Tamara turns on the TV hoping to ignore it. She likes rain but not tonight. Tonight is not a mood for solemnly thinking.

All that is on is Professor Why reruns and made for TV movies. She decides to stick with a b-rated horror movie and hopes that the cheap gore and overly sexualized women will keep her distracted. Maybe she should go off men for a while. Maybe get a girlfriend to get her out of the house more often. Being the owner of your own apartment complex has it’s perks financially but Tamara misses the routine of going out to work. She doesn’t miss the work but she misses the distraction. Maybe she can find a nice girl at a book store or a bakery. If she goes to a bar she might accidentally find someone like herself. Someone who is just as fucked up.

Or maybe that’s the better option.

She falls asleep on the couch and wakes up with a blanket over her. It’s Tori’s. She knows this because it’s red and smells just like her. She kicks it off and heads back to her room. Where does Tori get off pretending to care.

~

Another week goes by and the appointment date has arrived. Tamara doesn’t want anyone to come with her but she agrees to let Tori drive her to the clinic. They use Tori’s car and Tamara feels uncomfortable knowing that there’s an explosive somewhere in here. Ell stays at home waiting anxiously on the couch. Matilda has been trying to be supportive but Tamara can see the sadness in her eyes. Matilda is always screaming about being pro-choice. Why is she so upset?

She decides to let it go. The drive is silent and Tamara realizes that Tori hasn’t said a word to Tamara over the past week. Not even an insult. It’s all been sullen looks and half-assed ‘it’s gonna be okay.’ Only Ell is the one that has been really supporting Tamara. She’s tempted to ask Tori to stop so she can just bus the rest of the way. She feels uncomfortable sitting next to her roommate whose usually so talkative. She's wants to jump out the window.

They get to the parking lot and Tamara is about to open the car door but freezes before she can pull the handle. She doesn’t know why but she can’t bring herself to get out. Tori finally speaks after a week, “What’s wrong? Is this not the place?” Tamara swallows hard and keeps her gaze glued to the clinic doors, “Yeah.” 

But she still doesn’t move. 

She’s willing herself to move but something in her brain is stopping her. She can feel herself start to tremble. Tori notices this but doesn’t comment on it. Instead she asks, “What’s wrong?” Tamara’s shaking grows worse and Tori finally get it. The car starts back up again and Tori drives them out of the lot. Tamara watches as the other woman puts more distance between them and the clinic and the farther they get, the more Tamara feels like she can breathe.

However, they don’t go home. Tori keeps driving until they’ve entered a parking lot for a closed office building. They are the only car there. When the car turns off there is only silence left and Tamara feels like Tori is going to light a cigar but the woman doesn’t. Tori speaks, “You want this child.” It isn’t a question, it is a statement and Tamara says nothing. 

Tori keeps speaking, “You think you shouldn’t have it but you want it.” Tamara refuses to let this woman belittle her, “shut up.” Tori isn’t intimidated by Tamara, never has been, “You think a child is going to cure the loneliness.”

Tamara hugs herself tight, “fuck off.”

Tori finally turns to look at the brunette, expressionless. Tamara wants to punch her in the face. But Tori is feeling something and Tamara can see it by how hard the taller woman is gripping the steering wheel. Tori cuts Tamara off before she can answer, “You were never alone.”

Tamara forgets what she was about to say and looks at Tori, confused. Tori grips the wheel so tight that her knuckles turn white but her face remains calm. Tori elaborates, “You’ve always had us. Since the start.” Tamara doesn’t respond because she doesn’t know with what to respond with. 

Tori keeps going, “And you can have this child if you want it.” Tamara lets out a laugh but Tori remains unmoved. Tamara sniffs and looks into the palm of her hands, “I’ll be a terrible parent. I’ll drink.” Tori hasn’t loosened up on the steering wheel, “you haven’t touched alcohol in two weeks. I think you’ll be fine.”

Tamara refuses to give up, “they won’t have a dad.” Tori’s tone doesn't waver, “yeah but four moms should be enough. Right?” 

Tamara looks up at Tori and, without thinking, grabs the hand that’s gripping the steering wheel. Tamara doesn’t know why she did that but she holds Tori’s stiff hand and, with gentle fingers, begins to coax the hand into a relaxed state. Tori takes Tamara by the chin and pushes the woman’s gaze up to meet her own. 

Tori’s eyes are sharp and grey. Tori asks Tamara, “Do you want this child?”

Tamara realizes that the jig is up, “yeah.” 

It’s so fucking stupid but being a mom wasn’t an idea that Tamara was repulsed by. She always thought that one day she’d eventually have one but not so soon. She’d have it when she’s able to support herself. She makes a lot owning the apartment complex that she no longer lives in. Marriage was a stupid concept but raising a little kid to not be a shitty human being: That didn’t seem so bad. Friends leave you but kids always love their parents right? Tamara will always love her own mom. She puts flowers on her grave every other week.

Tori nods and slowly withdraws her hands to restart the car. The drive home is silent between the two women, so Tamara calls the clinic to tell them to cancel her appointment. 

And no she will not be rescheduling.


	2. Some People are a Pit Stop on the Monarch Migration

Tamara sits in the living room with Ell again. This time; however, Tori and Matilda are not present. It felt safer to tell Ell about her decision to keep the child without the other two. Tamara wonders if she's made the right choice. Ell scoots closer to Tamara and wraps an arm around her, giving the musician access to rest her head on the other brunette’s shoulder. Said brunette clears her throat and speaks, “We’re gonna have to clear a room.” Tamara’s eyes go wide and she looks up to her roommate. Ell is staring straight ahead and smiling.

Ell continues, “Me and Matty can share.” Tamara starts to feel guilty. She doesn’t want Ell or Matilda to have to change their lives for her but Ell looks at her and says, “Or WE can share.” Tamara quickly buries her face in Ell’s hoodie to hide a blush she feels creeping onto her face. She’s had a crush on the woman since high school. Tamara says against the fabric, “I can’t make you guys do that. Don’t make any adjustments for me.”

Ell goes back to staring into space while talking, “You’ve got your own apartment complex and Matty’s nursing thing is doing well. My comics are picking up a lot of readers too; My editor said that he thinks I’ll be ready to publish a book soon. I don’t know what the hell Tori does but she seems to be doing well…yeah. This is fine.” Tamara pushes herself off of Ell and looks at her with concern, “What are you saying?”

Ell gives a happy sigh and says, “We’ll have enough to support them.”

Ell looks at Tamara who’s confused and so Ell explains “You’re not doing this alone. I know you were gonna suggest something like moving out but I told you that we’re here for you.” Tamara feels butterflies thrash around in her stomach. Ell smiles big and wide, “And I meant that about WHATEVER you decide to do.” Tamara doesn’t know what to say except, “You’re a fucking idiot!”

Ell laughs and Tamara shoves her face back into Ell’s shoulder, squeezing her friend tight. Ell rests a cheek on the other woman’s head. Tamara tries to ignore the sadness that crawls up in her throat every time Ell does something nice for her. She knows it’s all platonic but Tamara doesn’t think she’ll ever NOT be in love with Ell. She’s fine like this though. At least they’re friends and Tamara can’t think of anyone better to raise a kid around.

~

Tamara lies in her bed and stares up at the ceiling. She imagines what sharing a room with Ell’s gonna be like. She knows that Ell might not ever return her feelings. Yet, that doesn’t stop Tamara from fantasizing about them sharing a bed. Maybe the kid will call Ell ‘mum’ too. Maybe they can get married and have more. Maybe they can move to house with a fence and a yard and a dog and a cat. 

How stupid…but Tamara still lets herself be carried into the fantasy.

Matilda slowly opens the door and leans against the frame. She clears her throat pulling the brunette out of her head and back into reality. Tamara makes no move to sit up.

The ginger steps in and sits down on the edge of the bed, not facing Tamara. They stay like that for a few moments.

Then Matilda slowly turns to the brunette. The ginger is wearing a tank top with no bra. Tamara has never noticed it before but there’s freckles on Matty’s arms as well. They’re spread out but seem to gather closer at the shoulders. Matilda looks at Tamara like she’s missed her and that makes the musician feel mad. It’s not her fault that the taller woman had become upset. “Tam?” Matilda uses that nickname and Tamara hates it because it makes her melt a little.

A freckled and well manicured hand comes to rest on Tamara’s knee and it makes the brunette feel weird. She doesn’t let her face show it though. Matilda speaks cautiously, “So, you’re…” and with a tinge of hope, “keeping them?” Tamara nods her head. Matilda smiles but Tamara does not return it. 

“What would you have done…if I had gone through with it?” Tamara asks. Matilda looks away, “I would have been okay with it.” Tamara sits up and pulls her leg out of Matilda’s grasp.

Matilda looks surprised, “What’s wrong?” Tamara narrows her eyes at Matilda, “Are you serious?” Matilda shakes her head in confusion and Tamara feels herself growing angry, “You’ve been acting like I was making the worst decision of my life all week!” 

“What are you talking about? I WAS being supportive!” Matilda defends.

“I’m not stupid! You think I didn’t notice the way you said everything? The way you looked at me!” Tamara crosses her arms. Matilda looks down guiltily. Tamara didn’t think that Matilda’s behavior had affected her this much but thinking back to the way the ginger would avoid conversation or refuse to look her in the eye generates a feeling of anger. 

Matilda takes a deep breath and Tamara can see her hands trembling. “I wanted…” Matilda’s voice is quivering, “I thought we could be a family.” 

Tamara feels herself shake, “I get that kids are great and all but actually carrying one AND providing for it isn’t fun!” Matilda looks up and rebuttals, “But you’re still going through with it!”

Tamara shakes her head, “I’m doing it for ME. Not because YOU want to play house!” Matilda stands up and stomps her foot, “I didn’t want you to have the baby for ME!” 

“Then why the hell were you being SUCH A BITCH!?!” Tamara yells.

Matilda looks like she’s about to cry; she hates being yelled at. Tamara feels no sympathy but does lower her voice, “This isn’t a game Matty. Carrying a kid isn’t a game. Raising a kid…isn’t…a game…” Tamara puts a hand on her stomach as she trails off and her heart starts beating faster. She goes over in her mind what she just said and the reality of her situation reemerges.

Anxiety returns and Tamara has a sudden realization, “This…this was a terrible idea…” Matilda looks at Tamara and sees the frightened look on her friend’s face. Tamara starts to panic, “This was a TERRIBLE FUCKING IDEA! WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?” She wants to call the clinic. Drink the panic down like she used to do. Wake up from this nightmare but she knows that it’s real. What made her think that everything was gonna work out so easily? What made her think that she could just have a kid and expect a happily ever after? The walls are crashing in and she can’t breathe!

Matilda is at her side in an instant and starts rubbing up and down Tamara’s arms. Tamara wants to push her away but the touch is keeping her grounded, so she just accepts it and focuses on inhaling and exhaling. The crushing weight becomes lighter and her ability to reason comes back.

Eventually, her breathing steadies and her heart rate slows down. Matilda is looking at her with concern. Tamara hates when attacks like this happen. Especially when it’s her own damn fault. Matilda squeezes her arms, “We’re friends forever and even if you went through with it,” Matilda’s voice is shaky, “I’d still be here for you.” Matilda sniffs and pushes her forehead against Tamara’s shoulder. Tamara shakes her head, “You still acted like a piece of shit.”

Matilda starts to tremble, “I know…I’m sorry. I was being selfish…” Matilda clutches Tamara’s hoodie as her voice goes up in a breathy pitch, “I wasn’t thinking about your feelings…or how scared you probably were…” Tamara was very scared.

“I shouldn’t have been that way…” Matilda croaks, “You’re right…You needed me and I was being an ass! I’m supposed to be your friend and the one time you really needed me…I fucked up…I fucked it all up!” The water works activate and the wall of anger Tamara has built cracks.

Matilda is an ugly crier, a big contrast to the rest of time where she’s gorgeous and care-free. She’s sniffling and hiccuping and Tamara would be disgusted but instead she wraps her arms around the other woman and squeezes her tight. Matilda keeps trying to gulp down air and squeezes out “I’m sorry” and “I’m so very, very sorry.” Tamara then gently pushes Matilda by a few inches so she can wipe the ginger’s face with her hoodie sleeve. Matilda’s lips are quivering and her face is red and starting to puff. Tamara wants to take picture so bad because Matty hates when her mascara runs and right now she looks like a raccoon. Tamara resists the urge and holds Matilda’s face, giving it a little squish.

Tamara giggles, “You’re so ugly right now.”

Matilda shrieks, “SHUT UP,” before shoving herself into Tamara’s arms. The force pushes the brunette down and Matilda buries her face into Tamara’s shoulder sobbing loudly and squeezing her tightly. Tamara keeps laughing but starts to feel her heart skip a little. Matilda smells wonderful and her hair is soft. She’s also as a great hugger. Tamara can’t explain it but all her anger floats away and leaves a light feeling in her stomach. After a few minutes of Matilda’s horrendous crying, Tamara starts to push the woman off to hold her face again. Matilda’s green, vibrant eyes are staring into Tamara’s non-existent ones, and the brunette smiles.

Matilda’s crying dies down and Tamara finally has a chance to speak, “You’re gonna help me out with them, right?” Matilda presses her lips into a line and nods her head. She uses the sleeves of her blue hoodie to try and dry Matilda’s face. Tamara lets out a sigh; she believes Matilda’s remorse, “I forgive you. Okay? Now please, stop crying. You’re getting snot all over me.” Matilda pulls Tamara into a crushing hug, letting go when the brunette starts to gasp. Matilda smiles and says, “I will always be there for you AND them. I swear! I promise!” Tamara smiles and for a moment she’s taken back to the house fantasy and Matty is there too. She doesn’t know why her brain has done this. Or why she notices the freckles are on Matilda’s chest too.

Matilda takes Tamara’s hands in her own and strokes them with her thumbs. Her hands are soft and her nails are filed into ovals and painted purple. The butterflies are awake in Tamara’s stomach again but Ell’s no where in sight. The air feels more positive now and the doubt in Tamara’s mind is quiet again. Matilda is beaming, “Have you thought of any names?”

Tamara thinks for a moment before causally responding, “Susan.”

Matilda crinkles her nose, “What?” She releases a hand to wipe her face and becomes disgusted when she sees that the makeup is all over her hand.

Tamara shrugs her shoulders, “Susan. I always thought it was an okay name.”

Matilda isn’t convinced though, “Anything else?”

Tamara hasn’t really thought about names considering she just decided to have a kid this morning. She doesn’t want to give her child a name they’ll hate but you can’t just go, “hey you” to your own kid until they make up their mind; A little impersonal. They can always change it later.

Tamara shrugs her shoulders again and Matilda gets excited. “Tom,” the ginger suggests.

Tamara raises and eyebrow, “Tom?” Matilda nods enthusiastically. Tamara asks, “why?”

It’s Matilda’s turn to shrug her shoulders and she explains with, “I just like it. I’ve always had a thing for the name ‘Tom.’ Don’t know why. Just do.” Tamara thinks about it for a moment and decides that there’s no real harm, “alright.”

Matilda jumps up with a “Yay!” and hugs Tamara again, crushing the brunette’s face to her chest. The butterflies beat their wings harder but Ell’s no where near by.

Tamara feels happy for a quick moment but then feels a pair of eyes that aren't Matty’s staring at her. She pushes Matilda gently and looks to the door way to find Tori leaned up against the frame, watching them. Tamara crosses her arms and raises a brow, “Creepy much?” Tori doesn’t say anything but keeps her eyes trained on Tamara as she disappears into the hallway. She’s gone now but Tamara can still feel Tori’s gaze boring into her.

Tamara looks up at Matilda, “What the hell is her problem?”

Matilda begins to stroke Tamara’s hair and smiles sweetly. Ell’s not here but those butterflies feel like they’re about to fly out of the musician’s throat. Matilda says, “I think she’s just as excited as the rest of us are.” Tamara remembers the way Tori’s hands clenched the wheel and how those sharp grey eyes pulled out what Tamara really wanted. She feels weird.

~  
Tamara is on the edge of her desk chair, “Shouldn’t we wait till the baby’s more developed? I don’t think we need to move my stuff right now.”

“If we do it now,” Ell says with a strained voice as she grabs the edge of the wooden frame with Matilda, “then we won’t have to worry about it later!” It was only yesterday that Tamara had made the decision to keep the child and already her friends are making preparations.

Matilda and Ell lift Tamara’s bed frame and attempt to pull it through the door. It’s clearly not working. Tamara sits at her desk and wants to help but the other two women refuse to let her. 

“We’ve got this,” Ell grunts, trying to push the frame out of the room. “Don’t worry sweetheart,” Matilda huffs, pulling with all her might to try and get the frame into the hallway. For some reason, Tamara has started blushing every time Matilda calls her ‘sweetheart.’ Matilda has been using these pet names more and more recently. Tamara sighs, “We have to take it apart.” Ell and Matilda groan and set the frame down. They hear the front door open. Tori’s home. 

Matilda calls out from the hallway, “Tori? Have you got a screw driver?” Tori appears in the doorway and looks at the displaced furniture in confusion, “What are guys doing?” Ell regains her breath and smiles, “We’re moving Tamara to my room. This is gonna be the baby’s room!” Ell is excited but Tori doesn’t seem to share the enthusiasm. Tori looks at Tamara with a face that the musician can’t read. Tori turns back to Ell, “right now?”

Ell puts her hands on her hips, “Yes!”

Tori looks at Matilda whose smiling and excited as well. Tori doesn’t smile back and asks, “when did we all decide this?” Both women are frowning now. Matilda crosses her arms, “Ell and Tammy decided and I think it’s great!” Tori looks at the bed frame and then at Tamara and then at Ell. Tori seems to be getting upset, “Why don’t you two just share a bed? And while you’re at it, get married!” Tori then storms off and Matilda calls out, “What about that screwdriver?”

Tamara doesn’t understand what Tori’s so worked up about but Ell has this look on her face…like she feels guilty for something. That look on Ell’s face doesn’t sit well in Tamara’s stomach.

They decide to deal with frame later and have some lunch instead.

~

They finally manage to take the frame apart and move everything to Ell’s Room. Matilda helps to reorganize everything. Tamara looks around her old room and tries to picture a baby’s room but despite wanting a child she’s never been the motherly type. They’ll have to repaint the room and maybe pull out the carpeting. The blue walls are covered in marks. There’s puke stains scattered about and the whole room stinks of alcohol. Maybe Ell should have moved into Tamara’s room instead. Ell’s room smells like cola and sweets. Babies like cola, right?

Tamara’s anxiety starts to spike again. Reality is setting in and at the same time her mind is leaving her body. She’s gonna have a kid. There’s a little cell growing inside her and it’s gonna be a fucking person and everything. What if she fucks up their life? What if they grow up to hate themselves the way Tamara did? They never asked to be alive. Tamara used to say the same thing to her grief counselor. 

What if she dies?

And they’re alone?

Just like Tamara was.

She exits the room and shuts the door trying to get away from the feeling but it follows her and creeps up her arms making her palms sweat. She bites her fingers to give herself some pain to focus on. Tamara tries to control her breathing but taking in air gets harder and harder. She rushes down the hall and into the bathroom, making sure to lock the door this time. 

The bathroom is her escape now. She no longer has a room to be alone in. Tamara sits in the bathtub hugging herself tightly and counting to herself with each breath. She gets to 17 and someone knocks on the door. Tamara tries to stay quiet and hopes no one is looking for her. The door knob jiggles and when the offender finds it locked they start knocking with a quicker pace and with more strength. “Tam?” It’s Matilda, “Tammy you in there?”

Tamara’s breathing has calmed a little and she finally responds, “Yeah, I’ll be out!” She takes another deep breath, “…in a minute.” Matilda doesn’t leave though, “Ell says that dinner’s here.” Tamara feels her stomach growl and gets up slowly. She splashes her face with cold water and hopes it’s enough. She can’t drink the anxiety away anymore. She refuses to fuck this up.

Tamara takes a deep breath and steps out of the bathroom, surprised to see Matilda still there with a concerned smile. Matty gently pushes a lock of hair out of Tamara’s face. It’s not an unusual act but it still makes Tamara feel weak in the knees. Matilda’s voice is laced with worry, “Everything okay?” Tamara looks away and sniffs, “Yeah, everything’s fine.” The shorter woman tucks her hands into the pocket of her hoodie and looks back up at Matilda who doesn’t seem convinced. Tamara really isn’t in the mood, “I’m fine! Honest!”

Matilda says it almost in a whisper, “okay.” 

But it’s loud with disbelief.

~  
Ell has ordered take-out and all three of them eat silently. Tori finally comes down and sits, bringing a tension with her that fills the air. Tamara can’t put her finger on it but there’s clearly something going on with Tori and Ell. Ell keeps her eyes on her meal but Tori keeps looking up to give her angry glares. Tamara opens her mouth to ask but Tori cuts in, “Matilda and I are going to start sharing a room.”

Forks drop and Matilda pinches the bridge of her nose. The ginger takes in a sharp inhale and grits out, “I said wait a week.” Tamara looks at both women in shock but is more surprised by the angry look Ell is giving Tori. The Norwegian has a shit-eating grin splitting her face. Tamara is confused and turns to Matilda. The red-head places both hand on the table and looks up at the ceiling. She takes a deep breath before returning her gaze to the three women. Tamara grips her own wrist to try and stay grounded and stammers out, “I-I…don’t understand.”

Tori answers Tamara but keeps her sharp eyes trained on Ell, “You go behind our backs and make decisions, then we’ll do the same.” Ell slams the table and stands up to stomp out of the room. Matilda puts her head in her hands and closes her eyes. Tori keeps smiling. Tamara looks at Tori and rage begins to fill her, “TORI WHAT THE FUCK?”

Tori’s smile doesn’t die, if anything it gets bigger, “There she is! The little princess has finally stopped sulking!” Matilda shoots a glare at Tori but Tori ignores her. Tamara is confused and angry. Tori leans back in the chair and Matilda speaks, “Tori, please. Now is not the time!”

Tori looks at Matilda and leans forward, “Then when is the time? Huh? In a week, right?”

Tamara interrupts, “When I’m not DEALING WITH THIS SHIT!”

Tori’s grin disappears and is replaced with a scowl. She faces Tamara now and Matilda starts to look frustrated. Tori spits out, “Well guess what, THIS is your life now! YOU chose this! You’re gonna ALWAYS be dealing with this SHIT FROM NOW ON!” 

Tamara can’t believe what she’s just heard, “YOU” and she points a finger at Tori, “YOU’RE the one who convinced me! YOU’RE the one who TOLD ME THAT IT’D BE FINE! THAT I COULD HAVE THIS!” Tori slams the table hard as she gets up, shaking the plates, “I CONVINCED YOU TO STOP BITCHING AND BEING SCARED NOT TO-“

And Tori stops. Her scowl leaves and a surprised expression takes over her face. Tamara wants so desperately for the confusion to stop, “NOT TO WHAT?” Tori doesn’t answer but pushes out an angry exhale before stomping out of the room.

The kitchen is now quiet. Tamara silently gets up and starts collecting the plates. Matilda makes a gesture to stop but Tamara shakes her head and puts the food and dishes away. She sits back down when she’s finished and watches Matilda.

The ginger stares off into space with a sad and tired look on her face. Tamara leans forward to place a hand over the other’s. Matilda flinches but eases once again when she sees Tamara giving her a half-smile. Tamara is never this nice but Matilda has decided not to comment on it. 

“I’m tired.” Matilda says. Tamara nods. The red-head gets up and places a kiss on Tamara’s forehead before leaving. Tamara sits at the kitchen table with her cheeks becoming red and an influx in the butterfly population go off in her stomach. It was a causal gesture to Matilda but Tamara can’t help but dwell on it. Matilda’s lips are soft.

She gets up, turns off all the lights, and heads toward her old room. She stops before she can turn the knob. It hits her like a slap to the face that this is no longer where she sleeps and she lets the brass knob go. She walks toward Ell’s - their - room. Everything is silent. There is no clicking of Matilda’s heels on the upstairs floorboards or the sound of grating metal from Tori’s room. She pushes the door of her new dwelling only a little bit and hears sobbing. Tamara musters up the courage to to push it all the way and finds Ell lying in her bed hugging a pillow tight to her body.

Tamara shuts the door behind her and shuffles closer. “Ell?”

Ell hugs the pillow tighter. Tamara gets on the bed and lies next to her friend, gently stroking the crying woman’s arm. Ell looks up from the pillow to see Tamara’s worried face. Tamara asks her, “What’s wrong?” Ell sniffs and says, “I just-….I just HATE her sometimes….” 

Tamara gives the arm a squeeze, “Can’t we just kick her out? We don’t have to forgive her….” Ell lets out a whimper and Tamara can tell she’s not gonna answer anymore questions.

Tamara doesn’t understand anything anymore. She tries to get up but Ell quickly grabs her wrist and lets out another little whimper. Tamara lies back down and holds her friend close. Ell puts the pillow aside to bury her face into the other woman’s chest. Tamara feels the butterflies begin to flap around again. She tells them that now’s not the time.


	3. From Bad to Worse but I Should Be Used to it

Tori and Matilda start moving the next day. Tamara and Ell do not help. Tamara is tempted but would much rather be trying to cheer Ell up. They’re sitting on their own beds facing each other and Tamara asks her, “You have to kill someone-“

“Yes.” Ell answers.

“I haven't asked the actual question.”

“The answer is absolutely yes and I’d use a potato launcher.” Ell is smiling and Tamara is glad. 

It hurts her so much when Ell is sad. There is a great amount of racket being caused by the movement. They can hear the other women going up and down the stairs; The thunking sound is most likely Matilda’s wedge heels and the heavier steps are most likely Tori’s sneakers. Her and Ell’s room is next to the stairs that lead to Matilda’s room which technically was an attic in the 50’s but was later insulated and made more livable.

It sounds like Matilda is moving into Tori’s room. Something violently stumbles down the stairs and hits the hallway floor. It creates a loud slam and something glass-like has shattered.

“SHIT!” Somebody screams in a Norwegian accent. Tamara immediately gets up to check. She cracks open the door and Tori is on the ground along with a medium sized mirror in pieces. Tori looks like she’s about to have a tantrum as she clutches her knee. There’s a cut on the forearm of her non-robotic arm. Ell leans from her bed to see but Tamara closes the door to block her vision. Matilda rushes down the stairs, “You should have moved into MY room!” Tori’s teeth are clenched and she hisses out, “Why? WHY do you have to have more than 20 MIRRORS?” Tamara sighs and goes to get a broom and dust pan. 

When she returns, Matilda is examining the cut on her forearm. Tamara goes back for the first aid kit that they keep in the bathroom. She hands Matilda the white case and proceeds to start brushing the shattered mirror pieces into the pan. Tori looks at her oddly, “I don’t think you should be doing that.” Tamara looks at her and raises a brow, “Do what?”

Matilda grabs Tori’s mechanical arm and helps the woman up. “We need to clean this cut first. It doesn’t look too deep.” The red-head says and grabs the kit. She tries to pull Tori to the bathroom but Tori is resisting. Tamara realizes that she’s gonna have to grab a hand vacuum for the pieces that the broom can’t get. “Tori let’s go! The blood is gonna get on the floor.” Matilda says sternly but Tori’s only response is, “She’s gonna cut herself.”

Tamara would role her eyes if she could, “Go clean up, dumbass.” Tori stops struggling and allows Matilda to pull her into the restroom. Tamara finishes sweeping up as much as she can and heads toward the bathroom. She can hear Tori hissing “That hurts!” and Matilda shushing her. When Tamara enters Tori goes silent. The Norwegian woman is sitting on the closed toilet while Matilda dries the cut with a towel and applies alcohol. Tori bites her lip to stop herself from hissing and Matilda smiles, “Being brave for Tamara now aren't we?” Tamara throws the shards into the waste bin and when she leaves she can hear Tori whisper to Matilda, “Shut up.” Matilda giggles.

When they’re done, Tamara is vacuuming up the area on her knees. Lately, bending down has become exhausting. Tori’s knee is bruised and the cut has been successfully bandaged. The many perks of your roommate being a nurse. She keeps forgetting to ask Matilda which ward she specializes in. Tamara finishes up and is about to go return the vacuum but Tori takes it out of her hand, “I’ll take care of this.” Tamara just shrugs and picks up the mirror’s frame. It’s made of wood that’s painted gold. She hands it to Matilda who studies the frame and says, “Y’know what? This would make a great frame for a picture.”

“Of you?” Tamara chuckles.

“Of course!” Matilda smiles and goes to take the frame to her new room. Tamara goes back to check on Ell. Her roommate is lying on her bed staring up at the ceiling. Tamara goes to lie next to her. She’s glad Ell doesn’t know about how she feels or else she probably wouldn’t be allowed this close. There once was a boy in high school who had a crush on Ell and Ell avoided him like the plague. Tamara eventually had to throw him into the school dumpster so that he’d finally take the hint. And he never bothered Ell again.

Ell turns her head to Tamara, “You still fighting with Tori?”

“I’m always fighting with Tori.” Tamara says it instantly and Ell frowns, “I wish you wouldn’t. I think you two would get along swimmingly if you tried.” Tamara shakes her head, “I’ll never forgive her. I’m only living here for you and Matilda.” Ell turns to face Tamara and puts a hand on the other’s waist, “She was trying to stop it.”

Tamara wants Ell to never take that hand off. “Yeah, but who put that robot there in the first place?” Tamara asks her. Ell does take that hand off but it goes to stroke Tamara’s cheek instead. It’s moments like this that keep Tamara wrapped around the other’s finger. “She was in a dark place but I think she found herself again. She could have let it keep going if she wanted…but she didn’t.” Ell says dreamily.

Tamara is beginning to become frustrated, “She had that thing under our house for nearly 10 years!” Tamara closes her eyes because as happy as she is right now, at the same time it hurts.

Ell’s voice is barely above a whisper, “It took her a week to change. That has to mean something.”

~

Tamara looks around Matilda’s old room. It feels so empty without all the mirror and novelty toys. Maybe they can use this as the baby’s room instead but it’s too far from her new room. She doesn’t feel comfortable putting her kid on a separate floor. It would have been nice though. The room smells like Matilda’s floral perfume and there’s wooden floorboards. The walls are painted lavender and the window’s placement lets in a wonderful amount of light. She closes the door and walks back down the stairs. Tori is at the bottom looking up at her. The two women stare each other down until Tori is the first to break, “I think it should be a gym.”

“I could care less.” Tamara says curtly. Tamara will not forgive Tori for making Ell cry. There’s a lot she won’t forgive Tori for. Tamara realizes the baby will be living under the same roof as this woman. “What were you going to say last night?” Tamara asks. Tori shakes her head, “…nothing.” Tamara feels her temper rise, “I’m not playing this game!”

“What game?” Tori asks.

Tamara sighs and gives up. A tension headache is beginning to form and it occurs to her that she may have to move out after all. She doesn’t want to leave Ell though. Or Matilda. She steps down until she reaches the bottom. Tori blocks her way and becomes more insistent, “What game?” Tamara would push her back but touching Tori in anyway almost always results in a fight. “Just forget it Tori.” Tamara pinches the bridge of her nose and wills the headache to go away.

A painful throb hits her and she groans. Can pain killers be taken during a pregnancy? She feels fingers that are not her own at her temples. They are warm and calloused and the scent of motor oil and earthy woods flood her nostrils. That same scent was on the red blanket that kept her warm that night she couldn’t sleep. That night when she thought about her parents.

She opens her eyes and sees grey ones filled with worry. The fingers at her temples are moving in a gentle massage and Tori is studying her face. “Have you been getting these headaches often?” Tori asks. Tamara pushes her away and brushes past her. She doesn’t look back and goes into the bathroom to sit on the closed toilet and wait for the pain to subside. She starts chewing on her knuckles, asking the butterflies to please stop. Stop moving around like that. Neither Ell or Matilda were near by.   
~

They’re all sitting in the living room after Tamara has splashed her face with cold water several times. The sight of Ell and Tori giggling make her stomach churn but she ignores it and walks toward the kitchen. She’s about to pour herself a drink but then stops, realizing that she almost unconsciously grabbed the bottle of Smirnoff. She reaches for a jug of grape juice and pours a glass of that instead. She downs in it in less than a minute and places the empty cup in the sink.

She leaves the kitchen and decides to go back to her and Ell’s room. Lately, all she wants to do is nap. Her energy is always drained around this time of day. Matilda sees her before she can leave however, “Tammy! Come sit with us!” Tori looks over the couch and a negative expression takes over her face. Tamara ignores her and heads toward Ell. Ell moves but Matilda has other plans, “No Tammy! Sit with me!” Tamara looks to Matilda who is on the love seat. Tamara asks, “Where?” Matilda smiles and scoots a little. Tamara tries to sit in that small space but ends up mostly on Matilda’s lap. Why did she agree to do this?

Tamara isn’t uncomfortable though and Matilda seems thrilled. They watch whatever terrible horror movie is on in that position. A masked man stabs his victim in the eye and Tamara begins to feel a hand on her leg. She looks to see Matilda’s hand on one of her knees. Said woman isn’t paying attention but the hand is gently gripping the knee and Tamara feels another blush coming on. She looks up to see if her other roommates have noticed. Ell is also engrossed in the film, her feet are resting in Tori’s lap and Tamara feels a pang of jealousy hit her but pushes it down. Tori’s hand is stroking the ankle bone; Her fingernails are painted red. When Tamara finally looks up, Tori is staring right at the hand on Tamara’s knee. A scowl is on her face again.

Tori’s grey eyes move to Tamara and then to Matilda. The hand squeezes, making Tamara jolt a little, but it seems Matilda didn’t feel it. Tori clears her throat and the ginger turns to look at her. Tori’s eyes quickly switch to the hand and then back to Matilda. Matilda is confused but then looks down to see her hand on Tamara’s knee. She giggles and removes it, placing it on the arm rest. “Sorry!” Matilda says. Tamara shrugs, “No big deal.” Tamara pretends not to notice that Tori won’t stop staring at her.

~  
A week passes and Tamara realizes that she’s going to have to see a doctor soon about vitamins and maybe some health advice. She’s in her room looking at her bare torso in the large mirror they keep by the door. The veins on her chest and stomach are becoming more prominent and using the restroom hasn’t been fun. Her abdominal muscles have been sore as well.

She thinks maybe Ell should come with her but lately Matilda has seemed like the better option. Ell’s been acting strange. There is definitely a problem going on but Ell keeps avoiding Tamara’s questions. Changing the subject. Laughing it off. It is around 2 in the afternoon and Tamara decides that she’s going to ask Matilda if she’d like to come with her to the appointment. She puts her shirt back on and it hits her that she hasn’t seen Ell all day. She woke up that morning and Ell’s bed was empty. Tori hasn’t been seen either.

Tamara makes her way to Matilda’s new room, wanting to check there first. She pushes open the door expecting the ginger to be at her vanity but instead sees Tori lying on top of Ell. Tamara’s protective instinct kicks in but then kicks out when she hears a little moan. The two haven't noticed that Tamara has opened the door. Ell’s whimpering and clutching onto Tori and pulling the other woman closer. It’s a gross, open-mouth kiss and Tamara’s brain has stopped functioning. She starts to backing up. Right before she turns away, Tori looks back at her and smiles.

Tamara is in the bathroom in less than a second. She heaves uncontrollably and then finally she’s throwing up for the second time that day. She can’t blame it on her condition this time. Hot tears run down her face and after she’s done vomiting she flushes the toilet and crawls into the bathtub hugging herself and praying to Jehovah that she doesn’t throw up again. Praying that what she saw wasn’t real. Praying to get the image of Tori looking back and smiling out of her mind. She stays there for 2 hours.

~

Tamara gets up and tries to ignore the pain in her joints from having been curled up for so long. She looks in the mirror and hates that her face is puffy and red. Hates that she cried so hard that now she can’t possibly face the others without them noticing it. Her anxiety has been getting out of control. Could it be the hormones? 

‘It could be’ Tamara tells herself but she knows it’s more than that.

She douses her face with cold water and bites at her knuckles. The image of Tori on top of Ell flashes quickly again and the tears threaten to come up again but she bites down on her middle finger harder and focuses on the pain.

She has no choice but to sneak out of the restroom and back into…

She can’t go back into her room. Ell might come in and see her like this. Instead, she goes the opposite direction. Back into her old room. She almost expects to see everything in place but a wave of disappointment hits her when all she gets is carpet with furniture imprints and bare walls. She makes her way into the closet and closes it shut. Before she got pregnant, she’d come in here, drink a whole bottle of Smirnoff and pass out but…

She wishes she could drink now.

Everything was easier when she wasn’t sober enough to actually deal with it. Her anxiety. Her depression. Tori coming back. Her three roommates looking into buying a new house and going through with it. And now this. She gets it now. Why Ell was so quick to forgive Tori after destroying their first house and nearly killing them all. When you’re in love, you’re gonna look over a lot of shit.

It’s a terrible feeling. She knew Ell didn’t like her back but somewhere, in the back of her mind, Tamara thought that there might have been a chance. She feels so stupid. She hugs herself tight. She thinks back to the time where Ell told her that she wouldn’t have to do this alone. When Tori said it as well.

Tamara keeps biting her hand to stop herself from crying. She puts the other hand on her stomach and feels nothing.  
~

Tamara finally leaves the closet and exits the room as quietly as possible. She doesn’t know where to go though. Ell might be in their room. Either woman could be in the living room or kitchen. She wants Matilda so bad right now. She used to hate when Matilda would try to comfort her but now she wants nothing more than a bone crushing hug from the ginger.

She creeps around quietly and finally finds Matilda in the kitchen eating a salad. Tamara opens the fridge but nothing looks good. As a matter of fact, she’s lost her appetite. She sits at the table and Matilda places the finished plate in the sink before rejoining her. Matilda is giving her this beautiful smile and Tamara wants to break down but decides to swallow it and go on with her plan. “So, Matty?” Matilda’s eyes sparkle when she notices that Tamara has called her a nickname. Tamara tries to ignore it, “I was wondering-”

“Yes?” Matilda interrupts.

Tamara doesn’t know why she feels like she’s asking the woman out on a date. She wants to punch her own gut to get the butterflies to calm down. She keeps going, “I have to go see a doctor eventually and…”

Matilda quickly becomes concerned, “Is something wrong?”

Tamara quickly corrects herself, “No! No no! I just- I have to see someone at some point to make sure things…go accordingly.” It makes Tamara’s heart jolt a little every time she acknowledges out loud that another human is growing inside her. Matilda lets out a sigh of relief but Tamara isn’t finished, “I don’t want to go alone.” Matilda looks at her patiently and Tamara remembers that this is Matilda she’s talking to, “And I was hoping you’d…you’d be the one to come with me.”

A look of astonishment spreads across Matilda’s face and she points to herself, “Me? Really?” Tamara nods and the taller woman quickly grabs onto Tamara and squeezes her tight. In utter joy, Matilda shouts, “Yes! I’d love to!”

In Matilda’s arms, Tamara feels like everything is going to be okay.

~

Tamara hangs out with Matilda until the girl has to leave for the night shift at the hospital. She almost wanted to beg Matilda not to leave but she doesn’t know why she would do that. She sits alone in the living room watching Professor Why. She hates Professor Why. The couch bounces when someone hops over the back and jumps right onto the spot next to Tamara. The brunette almost has a heart attack.

It’s Tori.

Tori crosses her legs and gives Tamara this weird smile. Tamara wonders if it’s too late to go for a walk but Tori speaks, “Did you enjoy the show?” Tamara’s blood runs cold. The image of them together flashes through her mind again and she starts to feel sick. Tori leans in closer and the grin gets wider. Tamara can see her sharp, white teeth.

“I said,” Tori repeats, “did you enjoy the show?”

Tamara wants to get up and run but it’s like the moment when they reached the clinic: Her brain is sending out signals but her limbs won’t receive it. She feels herself getting angry. Tamara manages to move back a bit and asks, “Where’s Ell?” Tori leans toward her more, “Asleep.” Tamara moves back again and tries to get her legs to move but instead they curl up against her body. 

Tori drives the knife further and says, “In my bed.” 

The rage in Tamara flares but she realizes that this is what Tori wants. “What do I care?” The brunette tries to regain a sense of control. Tori sits back and Tamara feels like she can breathe again.

Tori stops smiling. “You don’t think I see the way you look at her?” Tori sounds like she’s upset. Tamara tries not to show any emotion. “You REALLY don’t care?” Tori asks. Tamara shakes her head even though her heart is actually broken. Tori looks…surprised.

Tamara gets a sudden thought, “Are you telling me…you’re with her to try and get some kind of reaction out of me?” 

Tori shakes her head, “No! Absolutely not!-“

“Then WHY does it matter how I FEEL?” Tamara finds it hard to keep her voice low. She doesn’t want Ell coming in. She doesn’t want Ell to be a part of this conversation. Ell confirming anything would kill her.

Tori stands up and is about to walk away but stops suddenly. She does not return or even face Tamara but says, “Don’t tell Matilda.” 

And then she walks away.

Leaving Tamara to wonder if she can move all her stuff back into her old room. The crib can be in there too. That way they’ll always be together. Like roommates.

She feels numb.

~

Tamara falls asleep on the couch but wakes up when she feels somebody lie next to her. She worries who it could be but the scent and softness of the skin tell her it’s Matilda. It must be 4 in the morning right now. Tamara opens her eyes and doesn’t see anything in the darkness but she can feel Matilda holding onto her; Throwing a long leg over Tamara’s own and resting her head on the the brunette’s chest.

Tamara wraps her arms around the woman and gently pokes her. Matilda squeezes tighter and whispers, “I didn’t mean to wake you…” Tamara melts a little and asks, “You just get home?” Matilda nods. Tamara remembers how small the couch is, “You wanna go upstairs?” Matilda shakes her head, “too tired…” 

Tamara smiles and puts her head back down. She’s okay with this.

~

At the doctor’s, they set up an appointment for the ultrasound and Tamara is given vitamins. The doctor asks, “Is this your partner?” Matilda turns red and Tamara shakes her head, “No. She’s my support though.”   
The drive home is filled with talk about what color the room should be. When should they start looking for a crib? Do Tamara’s feet hurt yet? How does Matilda feel about rooming with Tori?

Matilda doesn’t really give a convincing answer, “It’s nice.”

Tamara remembers that Tori had actually hit Matilda once and she starts to panic. She turns to Matilda and asks, “she didn’t force you did she?” Matilda shakes her head, “No! I wanted to move in! I don’t really like being alone.” Tamara takes Matilda’s word for it but feels like there’s more to it than that. She wants to tell Matilda about Ell and Tori but doesn’t.

She’s not sure what to do.

Tamara keeps her eyes on the road but she can feel the red-head smiling. Matilda takes on a playful tone, “Y’know, I think we’d make a cute couple.”

“Oh, yeah?” Tamara chuckles.

“Yeah…” Is Matilda’s response and Tamara feels a goofy grin take over her face. Just then, the car begins to sputter and the engine light goes on. Tamara quickly pulls over and the car automatically shuts off. Tamara turns the key but each time all they hear is the car attempting to start and failing miserably. Eventually, the key turning doesn’t even get that. “Great.” Tamara drags a palm across her face and slams her forehead against the wheel. Matilda pulls out her phone.

“Who are you calling?” Tamara asks.

“Tori.”

Tamara feels her heart drop. 10 minutes later, Tori comes alone in her red car and Tamara wants to run but Matilda pushes her into the front seat. Tamara wants to go into the back seat but Matilda takes it and Tori speeds off. She knows Tamara hates Tori. Why did she make her sit in the front? Matilda and Tori start to talk and Tamara tries to disassociate from the situation. They talk about a new zombie movie that’s coming out and eventually Tori asks, “How did the doctor’s appointment go?”

Matilda answers for her, “She’s going for an ultrasound soon!”

Tori smiles, “Oh? When?”

Tamara doesn’t like this and says, “It’s none of your business.”

Matilda immediately stops talking and Tori’s smile dies. The rest of the ride is silent and awkward and Tamara imagines opening the door and flinging herself into traffic. Why does she feel so shitty for saying that?

~  
Ell must have not seen Tamara at the doorway like Tori had and Tamara is fine with this. Tori will look at her for long periods of time but Tamara ignores it. Being in a room with Ell is difficult now. Ell will invite her to play video games or watch a movie but Tamara avoids it with excuses. She spends more time with Matilda. They sit in the kitchen and talk about how they’re gonna raise the baby.

“He’s got to go to a good school!” Matilda says.

Tamara nods and smiles. A fluttery feeling emerges in her chest whenever Matilda talks now. Even when it isn’t about the baby. Matilda will tell stories about her days at the hospital. About whatever show she’s currently watching. Something random from her childhood. Tamara tries not to think about Ell and focuses more on Matilda and she’s never realized how nice her roommate actually is. She’s like those bubbly girls that Tamara used to sneer at in high school. She feels stupid for having been like that now because Matilda is wonderful.

Tamara can joke, smile, and blush and Matilda will keep trying to make her laugh again and tell her that she’s cute. No one usually calls Tamara cute. She likes it. This goes on for another week: Avoiding Ell and Tori and just doing things with Matilda. Ell looks at her in an odd way sometimes but Tamara is finding it easier to not care anymore.

One day she looks in the mirror after showering and notices a bump beginning to form on her stomach. She feels her heart drop when she realizes she’s technically 10 weeks pregnant. She’s about to put a towel on but Tori slams the door open and casually walks in, “Are you done? I hope you didn’t waste the hot wa-“ Tori stops mid-sentence when she see’s it too. The bump forming on Tamara’s usually thin frame. Tamara throws a towel on and Tori walks toward the bathtub saying nothing. Tamara is about to walk out but she hears a “Tamara” coming from the Norwegian woman. 

Gripping the towel tightly, she turns to see Tori’s back facing her. She’s staring down into the wet tub. Tamara thinks she knows what this is about, “I didn’t tell Matilda-“

“Why did you ask Matilda to go with you?” Tori interrupts.

It catches Tamara completely off guard. Tori keeps her back turned so Tamara can’t see her face but her clenched fists are giving her emotions away: Tori is upset. It’s even more of a surprise when Tori asks, “Why didn’t you ask me?”

Tamara really doesn’t want to fight Tori in the nude but it wouldn’t be the first time. Tori keeps going, “You let me go when you were going to terminate it… but now that you’re keeping it, all of a sudden, to hell with me, right?” Tamara is tired of the other’s shitty mind games and starts to walk away. 

She doesn’t expect Tori to follow after her and shout, “I’m not finished! Answer me!” Tamara is about to head into her old room again but quickly remembers and heads toward the shared room. She really doesn’t want to fight Tori naked again but Tori doesn’t give up, “Did you not hear me! I am speaking to you Tamara!”

Tamara manages to make it but can’t slam the door in time. Tori uses the robot arm to stop the door and push her way in. Tori is crossing a boundary and Tamara knows that if she could kick Tori’s ass while drunk and naked then she can kick her ass again sober and naked. 

She lets go of the towel and swings at Tori but Tori quickly stops Tamara’s fist and grips on to it. Tamara tries to use the other but Tori manages to catch that one too. Tamara is about to start kicking but Tori pulls her toward the bed where Tamara has set up her outfit for the day.

Tori hands her a hoodie, “We’re not doing this again.” Tamara thought Tori had forgotten about that fight.

Tamara takes the hoodie but places it back on the bed. She starts to put on her clothes in the proper order not caring that Tori is watching. Her jeans feel a little snug. When she finishes she looks Tori straight in the eye and crosses her arms, “Who cares if I took Matilda? Thought maybe you and Ell would WANT the alone time.”

Tori’s fists clench, “Don’t talk about Ell like she did something wrong!”

Tamara decides where she wants to hit Tori and says, “ Y’know what? She can do whatever the FUCK SHE WANTS!” and swings a fist at Tori’s face; Going for the side that’s unscarred. Tori didn’t expect it and gets knocked back. She quickly recovers but Tamara is ready to do it again.

Tori shouts loudly, “WHY WON’T YOU TRUST ME?!? WHY IS IT THAT EVERYONE’S MOVED ON BUT YOU?!?”

“BECAUSE YOU DON’T DESERVE IT!” Tamara feels nothing but rage now and in one swing she punches Tori again. This time it sends the woman nearly to the other side of the room. At the same time, Ell opens the door to see Tori crashing onto the ground and Tamara with her fist in the air.

Ell shouts, “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?”

All the rage dies and now Tamara is left with the aftermath. A black eye is forming on Tori and Ell is on the ground in half a second trying to get her up. Matilda runs in after hearing the shouting and sees Ell franticly panicking over Tori who is groaning on the floor. Ell looks up at Tamara and shouts at her, “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?”

It’s the first time Ell’s ever yelled at her and she doesn’t know what to say. Tamara looks at Matilda and the sweetness is gone. Matilda shakes her head and joins Ell on the ground to try and check Tori’s eye.

Tamara looks at her swelling knuckles and a voice is screaming for her to run and so she does. 

She runs out of the room.

Past the bathroom.

Down the stairs.

Out the front door.

She runs down the street and then another and another.

She runs until she can’t.

So she walks.

And keeps walking, hiding her injured hand in her hoodie pocket to avoid any stares. She walks around the town, through the park, and eventually into neighborhoods that she doesn’t recognize. She walks and the sky starts to get darker and now she’s in another park that she barely knows and sits down on a bench.

She pulls out her hand and sees that the knuckles are purple now. She puts it back in the pocket. She thinks about the way Tori has been trying to fuck with her. She thinks about the way Ell and Matilda looked at her, like Tamara was a fucking monster.

She pulls out the uninjured hand and starts to bite at it like an animal. She bites even when blood starts to appear and when her hand isn’t doing the trick she pulls down her sleeve and starts chewing on her wrist. Anything to keep her from crying.

It doesn’t work.

The tears run down her face, into the wounds on her hand, making them sting.

Tamara eventually gives up and just lets herself cry.

She notices that there’s a lake in front of her. She wonders how deep it is. She wonders if it’s enough for someone to drown.

She feels alone.

Ell lied. 

They all lied. 

Her mother lied.

She is alone.


	4. The Little Pink House

‘One day, Darling, someone’s going to love you and not know how to handle it.’ Is what her mother used to say.

It’s night time and she has finally stopped crying. She doesn’t want go home. The lake makes the air smell in a way that makes Tamara feel a little sick. She stands up and starts to walk toward the gate. It’s a nice park. The kind you bring families to. The lake actually functions as a duck pond and is clearly man made. Not deep enough. 

The numbness has taken over again. She walks slowly and listens to the way her feet hit the pavement, focusing on the steady rhythm to keep herself in this apathetic state. The weather is cooling down and Tamara starts to feel herself shiver; She regrets running out with just a hoodie.

The gate leads out into a neighborhood. All the houses are well kept with small gardens in front and everything. It’s a nice place to raise kids. A pang of nausea hits her with that thought: She’s going to be raising a kid. That will grow into a teenager. That will grow into an adult. They’re going to have a functioning life and shower and get a job. They’re going to be a human being. Tamara finally throws up on a random lawn.

The world feels much too small now. She was going to join a band. She’s usually out at a bar at this time. Getting into drunken fist fights, eating at the diner at 2 am, not having hard responsibilities. She had fun. Tamara walks and feels tears start to develop again. She pulls out her hands to see that both are already too mangled to chew so she just lets the tears fall, wiping at her cheeks with her sleeve. 

She doesn’t know if she can keep this child anymore. If she can go through with this. She puts too much of her trust in people and it devastates her when it doesn’t work out. Tori should have just kept her mouth shut and pushed her out of the car. It’d be over quickly and she’d be back to drinking and making music. 

She would be too drunk to notice Tori and Ell. 

She wants to vomit again but there’s nothing in her stomach. She has no idea where she is. It’s a nice neighborhood but it’s dark and Tamara feels a little nervous walking by herself. Sure she’s beaten off a mugger more than once and the last time some guy made a pass at her she broke his arm in two places, but it doesn’t mean she hopes for it.

She stops in front of a little pink house with a lawn that’s strewn with toys and a little plastic pool. It looks like a doll’s house. Maybe she can knock on the door and ask to use their phone but who would she call? In the window, someone is watching her through the pink, lace curtains and when she tries to see the person’s face, it closes. Tamara must look like an absolute creep staring at their house in the dark. The door swings open and a curvy silhouette appears with a “It’s you!” shouting out in a familiar, gruff voice.

Tamara has no idea who it is but when the figure stomps toward her, she recognizes the dark brown hair and crazed look in the woman’s eyes immediately. It’s Elena. Their neighbor from the old house. Another woman comes out and the flash of blonde hair registers in Tamara’s mind as Martha. Elena looks at her up and down before grabbing her by the arm and tugging her inside. Tamara doesn’t protest, too shocked to argue.

The house is nice and warm and more toys are lying around. Everything is pink. They lead her to the living room and sit her down on a stiff, antique couch. It really does feel like Tamara is in a doll house. Martha leaves and Elena stands in front of Tamara with her arms crossed, “What were you doing outside of our house? How’d you find us? We didn’t tell you guys where we live no-“

Elena stops when she sees that Tamara has been crying and her expression softens. Elena takes a seat next to her and starts rubbing her back. Her voice is the deep, rich kind, “What were you doing all by yourself like that?”

Tamara hates sympathy and Elena can see it by the look on her face and decides to let it go. Tamara changes the subject, “What’s with all the toys?” Martha comes in with a tea pot and cups and sets them down on the little table. “What’s with all the pink?” Martha sits down on a love seat that also looks like an antique and wipes her hands on her pants, “Joana’s favorite color.”

Tamara’s heart sinks but Martha looks really annoyed and Elena rolls her eyes. Tamara looks at Elena and musters up the courage to say, “I’m sorry I didn’t attend the funeral.” Elena looks confused, “What funeral?” Tamara is about to continue but a young woman with short, light brown hair walks in, holding a little baby girl in her arms. Tamara gasps and Joana smiles at her with welcome, “Hey Tammy!” Tamara starts to choke and Elena slaps her back.

Joana turns to Martha and gestures for the blonde woman to follow. The little girl is probably a few months old and with cheeks as pink as the house. Martha stands up and follows Joana down the hall, a love-struck expression taking over her face. 

Tamara finally regains her voice, “I thought she died!” Elena looks at her like Tamara’s lost her marbles but then understands. The older woman explains, “Oh right! Nah, she survived.”

Tamara can’t believe this, “Nah? That’s it? The girl gets hit with a missile and she survives? That’s it?”

Elena hands Tamara a steaming cup and then pours herself some tea and says, “ uh-huh” before sipping it. It’s white with pink flowers. Tamara feels stupid but Elena doesn’t seem to be phased. Tamara accepts the cup and asks, “So she’s okay?” Elena smacks her lips and puts the tea cup down, “Yep.”

A cheery, voice calls out from the hall, “She wants her mummy!” Elena responds, “Be right there!” Elena gets up and nods at Tamara before making her way to the other women. Tamara is left alone in a little pink living room that’s covered with toys and she feels like she’s in the twilight zone. She checks the clock on the wall and wonders if her roommates are looking for her. 

Fuck them.

Joana comes into the room and sighs happily. Tamara always thought she was like a disney princess. She sits in the love seat and leans toward Tamara, “How’ve you been?” Tamara feels weird but remembers that gawking is rude and answers, “Great. Peachy. Life’s just wonderful. There was a baby in your arms.” The words just fall out of Tamara’s mouth but Joana doesn’t seem to mind. 

“Yeah, her name’s Amy.” Joana looks like she’s glowing and Tamara is getting sick and tired of all these blunt responses. “She yours?” Tamara asks. Joana shakes her head, “No, I can’t have ‘em.” Tamara wishes she had kept her mouth shut, “s-sorry…”

Joana is the more talkative of the two and Tamara is actually thankful for that. Joana smiles, “She’s Elena’s.” Tamara’s eyes widen at the thought of Elena actually carrying a baby. Joana seems to know what she’s thinking, “I know, she doesn’t seem like the kind of person who would want a baby but…after I woke up from the coma…” Tamara cringes, of course Joana wasn’t okay. The younger woman’s voice is dripping with honey, “and we all moved into this house, Elena thought it would be a good idea. It just felt right, you know what I mean?”

Yeah.

Yeah, Tamara knows.

Joana reaches for the tea but Tamara quickly takes the pot and pours the cup for her. “Thank you,” Joana sips the tea like a little princess. Her slender and delicate frame makes Tamara wonder if the girl does ballet. Something still isn’t clear though. Tamara looks around the house and sees the toys but also flowers on the table, the bouquet kind. She knows for a fact that the other two women aren't the kind who would just decorate a house for one person. Especially with so much pink.

Tamara looks Joana in the eye, “You dying?”

Joana quirks her brows, “No. Why?”

Tamara gestures around the room, “Isn’t this a little much? I thought I died and went to hell or something.” Joana giggles and Elena comes back, “You making fun of of my decorating skills?” Tamara then notices Joana has a ring on her finger and so does Elena. 

They match.

Tamara leans back and smiles, “Why Elena, I wasn’t aware you and Joana were a thing.” Elena blushes but Joana giggles. Tamara feels a sense of confidence but then Joana says, “It’s more like Elena, Martha AND I have a thing.” Joana is beaming and Elena blushes harder. Tamara starts choking again and Elena quickly slaps at her back again.

All of them.

TOGETHER.

Tamara can’t take it, “What?!?”

“Shhhh!” Elena puts a finger to her lips, “you wake Amy and I’ll thrash you.” Tamara sinks into the couch. Joana can see that the musician has become uncomfortable and hopes that some more information will make her feel less awkward, “It’s actually been going on for a while but after the house exploded, we all decided to be more serious about it.”

Tamara puts her head in her hands and Elena narrows her eyes, “You gotta problem with it?”

Tamara puts her hands up, “No! No not at all! I just-just…How?” Elena has taken offense, “What do you mean ‘How?” Martha walks in and silently sits down next to Elena. She’s also got the same ring. Tamara points to the one on Elena’s hand, “Did you ALL get married?” Martha breaks out into a cackle and Elena shoots her a look. Joana jumps in, “Not at the same time. I married Elena and then Martha married her.”

Tamara rubs her face, “Is that legal?” Elena grins, “Why? You want in on this too?” Martha’s cackle gets louder and Elena joins her. Joana is the only one who doesn't laugh and a look of concern comes upon her face, “What happened to your hands!?!” Tamara looks down and realizes that her hands are still fucked up. 

She attempts to pull them back into her pocket but Martha jumps up and grabs them. ‘Oh that’s right,’ Tamara remembers, Martha’s a doctor. The blonde examines the hands and lifts up the bitten one, “What happened to this one?” Tamara lies, “dog.” 

Martha lifts the other hand, “and this one?” Tamara smiles, “I punched the dog.”

Martha’s not stupid though, “these are human teeth marks.”

“It was a furry.”

Martha puts her hands down and leaves the room. Both woman seem to have fallen for it but Joana narrows her eyes at Tamara. Elena examines the bruised one, “you must have swung at ‘em real hard.” Tamara nods, “yeah. They just came out of nowhere.” Martha comes back with a first aid kit and starts to clean and bandage the bitten hand. Elena gets up, “I’ll get some ice for that one.” Martha finishes and Elena puts a bag of frozen peas on Tamara’s other hand.

Joana sips her tea and says, “Darling?”

Both Elena and Martha look up and Joana looks to the hallway, “Can you check on Amy? I think I heard her cry.” Both women immediately jump up and jog down the hallway. Joana gets up and sits next to Tamara. She clasps the musician’s hands in her own, much like Ell does, and leans in close to whisper, “You can stay for the night. You don’t have to go back yet.” Tamara looks into the woman’s sparkling eyes and regrets thinking that Joana was as stupid as they all made her out to be.

Tamara has to know, “What gave it away?”

“All alone and sober. Not like you. And then this.” Joana lifts up her hands and Tamara bites her lip. “I’m not being abused. It was just a silly fight,” Tamara laughs but Joana is serious, “I know we haven't been the best of friends but there’s plenty of room here.” Tamara contemplates for a moment and then nods her head. Martha comes back in, “What’s going on?”

Joana jumps up and sings, “Sleep over!”

~

They set her up in the guest bedroom. It’s green and when she inquires, Elena tells her, “I come here when the pink starts to give me a headache.” Tamara nods and thanks the three women. It feels weird sleeping in the same house as their old neighbors. Every time she opens her eyes, she expects to be in her own room and Ell in the other bed next to her. This room smells clean and like roses. Like one of Matilda’s perfumes. She tries to block any memory of them out.

Every time she turns, she accidentally presses on her hands and they’ll sting. It makes her think of Tori and she wonders is she’s okay. She hit the other pretty hard. It’s not the first time she’s knocked her out but this time she actually feels like shit for doing it. ‘She deserved it’ the voice in her head says. 

Deep down though, she feels like she could have handled that better. Maybe she only feels guilty because Ell yelled at her. She should have brought her phone with her but her brain had blanked out in that moment and she just took off. If she could go back, she’d stop herself from getting angry and maybe lock that bathroom door. She never learns.

She lets the thoughts float away and closes her eyes. She doesn’t want to cry in a house that’s not her own. It must be midnight when she hears Amy start to cry and several footsteps rush down the hall. A voice like Snow White’s sings a lullaby and the baby calms down. Tamara tries to imagine herself doing that but can’t.  
~

In the morning, Elena makes bacon and eggs and Amy won’t stop staring at Tamara. Tamara sips at her coffee and stares back, occasionally making faces. She keeps trying to scare the child but instead the baby starts laughing. 

Tamara can’t help but smile. She’s cute. Tamara is wearing her tank top from yesterday and she feels underdressed in comparison to the other women. Elena’s in a pantsuit with her hair slicked back. Martha is in an expensive looking purple turtleneck and black pencil skirt. Her heels click sharply when she walks around. Tamara briefly thinks about Matilda. Martha kisses Joana ‘good morning’ while the younger girl is helping Amy eat cheerios. Joana’s wearing a navy blue summer dress and a light blue cardigan. They all dress so well.

Tamara stands up to put her plate in the sink and she hears a little gasp come from Martha. The woman quickly leans over from her seat and places a hand on Tamara’s stomach, feeling at the bump. Tamara flinches and steps back. Elena turns to Martha, “What’s wrong?” Martha looks at Tamara with a very serious expression, “Do you know?”

Tamara hesitates but nods her head. She puts the plate in the sink and says, “Thank you for having me over. I better get going now.” Elena switches her eyes from Tamara and then to her wife, “Does she know what? What’s wrong with her?” Martha smiles, “She’s pregnant.”

And there goes the knots twisting in Tamara’s stomach again. She can’t move and starts to feel light headed. Martha sees this and quickly helps Tamara sit down. Martha’s soft hands are on her shoulders and she comments, “I see the dizzy spells are starting to come around.” Tamara looks up, “You can tell?”

Martha nods, “How long has it been?”

“Should be about three months,” Tamara answers, keeping her breathing steady.

Joana is shocked and leans closer to Tamara, “Is this what the fight was about?” The other two women look at Joana. “What fight?” Elena asks and Joana sinks into the chair avoiding her gaze, regretting what she just asked. 

‘Great’ Tamara thinks. 

Elena studies Tamara’s face and sees that look again. The one that Tamara puts on when she doesn’t want anyone’s pity. Elena nods, “You’re a grown ass woman. I’m sure you know what to do and that everything’s gonna be fine.” Tamara looks at her with gratitude. Someone’s finally treating her like she’s an adult. 

Elena checks the time on her watch, “I gotta head out to work. I’ll drive you home.” 

10 minutes later, Tamara thanks Joana and Martha and shakes Amy’s chubby hand. Tamara isn’t making a funny face but Amy laughs and it makes Tamara goofily grin. “That means she likes you,” Joana smiles.

Elena has a fancy car and plays a Spanish radio station as she drives. She occasionally laughs at some joke that’s been made but Tamara doesn’t understand enough Spanish to laugh with her. She doesn’t ask Elena to explain. When they get to her house, Tamara suddenly remembers everything. She’s about to open the car door with the hand she chewed up but stops. 

Elena sees her hesitation and nudges her with an elbow, “You’re gonna be fine.” Tamara looks to Elena and expects the other woman to be annoyed. Instead, Elena is giving her a reassuring smile. Tamara wishes she’d been friends with this woman before they moved and says, “Thanks.” She gets out of the car and Elena watches her as she goes up the walk way. When Tamara reaches the front door, she turns back to wave. Elena waves back before driving off to work.

Tamara doesn’t have her house keys. She’s tempted to knock but her arms are too shaky. She finds the emergency key under the doormat and takes a deep breath. The metal of the key is cold and feels like it stings against her warm fingers. She pulls her hoodie sleeves over her bandages before shoving the key into the lock. She takes another deep breath and turns it slowly until it clicks. She twists the knob with gentle care, not wanting to alert the others of her return. She remembers Elena’s words, ‘You’re a grown ass woman,’ and repeats it to herself mentally. 

With a strong exhale she opens the door and steps in.

‘You’re a grown ass woman.’


	5. You Can Put a Box Over Your Head and Walk Around but That Doesn't Mean Everyone Else Stops Existing

Ell and Matilda are making out on the couch. They’re holding each other and kissing in a way Tamara used to think she’d experience someday but never has till this day: lovingly. 

“You’ve got to be fucking joking.” Tamara can’t do this anymore.

Ell and Matilda break apart and quickly turn to see a very fatigued Tamara standing at the doorway. Their eyes are red and Matilda’s mascara is all over her face again from crying. The moment Ell sees her, the chubby woman immediately jumps up and launches herself into Tamara’s arms. Kisses are pressed to Tamara’s neck and jaw and Ell is rushing the words out, “Don’t do that! Don’t you ever do that again!” The butterflies awaken instantly and Tamara pushes the other woman off instantly. It isn’t violent but it’s firm enough to move Ell back and discourage the other woman from grabbing her again.

“Don’t-“ Tamara tries to keep her voice strong, “-don’t…touch me like that.”

Ell backs up and starts to tear up again, “We thought something happened to you!” 

“So sucking face was the solution? Good thinking you two. You really solved the case!” Tamara brushes past Ell and heads up to their room. Matilda gets up from the couch and both women run after her. Ell is frantic, “I can explain!”

Tamara looks over her shoulder as she opens the door, “I don’t need an explanation. You can do whatever you want! I’m a grown ass woman and so are you!” 

She goes to check her phone and it ‘dings’ with a message:

From: Tori

WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU??? THIS IS NOT FUNNY! ELL AND MATILDA ARE CRYING!

There are 92 text messages from all three women and 42 missed phone calls. Ell puts a hand on her shoulder, “Tori’s out looking for you.” Tamara uses her index finger to shove the hand away and texts Tori back:

To: Tori

i’m fine

She shuts the phone off and puts it in her pocket. Scrolling through any of them might make her feel guilty again. Matilda pulls her into a crushing hug and Tamara struggles against it. “No-“ Tamara asserts, “-don’t do that!” She pushes her off and Matilda looks hurt. Ell grows increasingly more upset, “Where were you?”

“Does it matter?” Tamara feels frustrated, “Thought you’d be glad I was gone!” Big tears roll down Ell’s cheeks and she hiccups, “I thought…I thought something h-happened to you!” Ell starts to sob and Tamara wants to kiss her tears away. Tell her it’s gonna be alright. Promise that she’ll never run like that again and that they’ll live together forever and have 50 fucking kids in a nice house with a fence and Matilda and…She clenches her fists and shoves these fantasies into a mental garbage can. Where they will remain.

Matilda holds Ell tightly in an attempt to comfort the distraught woman. Nausea hits again and Tamara rushes to the bathroom to throw up. Matilda runs in after her and rubs Tamara’s back as she heaves her breakfast out into the toilet. Soft hands keep Tamara’s hair out of her face and it takes her a moment to realize that they’re Ell’s. Tori walks in and stops at the door way. The Norwegian woman has no idea what to do. It reminds Tamara of the time they all waited for the results of that pregnancy test. It feels like that was a long time ago. When her stomach is finally empty, she’s left shaking with little tears running down her face.

Ell flushes the toilet and takes a towel that Tori hands her to wipe Tamara’s face. Matilda heaves Tamara up and the brunette nearly blacks out. With Ell’s help, they get her to the living room and sit her on the couch. She feels dizzy. Matilda is trying to get her to sip water that Tori has brought her but Tamara keeps her lips shut tight. She doesn’t want their pity right now. Matilda smells of that rose perfume again and Ell is on Tamaras’s other side examining her bandages.

“Where did you run off to?” Ell asks softly. All Tamara does is close her eyes and remain silent.

Where’s Tori? 

How’s her eye doing?

Should she ask these questions?

She takes a deep breath.

“I can’t live like this,” Tamara says.

Ell looks confused until Tamara brings her injured fists up. Tamara feels herself start to shake as the words begin to pour out, “I can’t keep fighting…her.”

Ell sounds desperate, “You don’t have to! She-“

“You see Ell, you keep trying to convince me that we can be friends but I know for a fact that we can’t even be in a fucking room together!” Tamara wants to stop but she knows she can’t. She keeps her eyes glued to the ceiling. She can’t look any of them in the eye or else she’ll break. She has to get it out. She has to show the butterflies that it’s time to move on. She has to do this.

Tamara stays strong and tries not to cry, “I’m moving out.”

Matilda sets the glass down onto the little table, “Don’t say that. Don’t EVER say that.”

Tamara shakes her head, “It’s not gonna work.”

She shifts her gaze forward to see Tori getting on her knees in front of her with a black eye. Guilt hits Tamara. It’s not the first black eye she’s given Tori but why is it now that she feels like shit about it? Tamara leans forward and brings up her fingers to gently trace the injured area. Tori doesn’t flinch. Tamara decides to just swallow her pride, “I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have hit you.”

Tori nods and takes the hand that’s at her face into her own two. It feels weird. The way Tori holds her hand so…delicately. The same hands that punched a button and activated a giant robot that destroyed their first home. The same hands that pulled triggers to multitudes of weapons. The same hands that held Tamara’s chin up when she was told that she could have this child. Hands that made Tamara feel like she had a choice. That she was good enough to have what she wanted. Hands that were on Ell. 

Tori doesn’t look Tamara in the eye, “I shouldn’t have…provoked you like that.” 

Tamara shrugs, “Not the first time.” 

Tori is studying the bandages and tracing a thumb over where Tamara’s knuckles are bruised.

“I’m sorry.” Tori says barely above a whisper.

Tamara doesn’t respond, so Tori says it more firmly, “I’m sorry.”

“Good for you.” Tamara replies and Ell groans.

Tori’s head falls onto Tamara’s knees and she sighs in defeat.

Matilda lets out a deep breath,” Good god…” 

Tamara has said it already. 

She’ll never forgive Tori.

Never.  
~

2 days go by and Tamara has her car taken to be repaired and goes to visit her apartment complex by bus. Tori offered to drive her but she refused it. To further avoid conflict, she made a personal rule to avoid having full conversations with Tori or ever be alone with her. It seems like the other woman keeps trying to talk but Tamara has always been good at skirting around uncomfortable situations. The building has remained in good condition. She reminds each tenant when the rent is due and checks the electrical system along with the plumbing. She does this twice a month, although, when she lived here, it was at least once a week. She remembers that she still hasn’t rented out the apartment that she herself resided in. 

She decides to go up and take a look. It’s on the third floor; The furthest one down the hall. She expects to feel weird opening it but doesn’t. Unlike when she steps into her room, she doesn’t expect furniture or her belongings. It’s not that big but there are two bedrooms. One for her and one for her child. She’s tempted to pat her stomach but thinks that would be silly. Before, she would see pregnant women talking to the baby in their stomachs and think it was stupid. She still does. The little guy probably doesn’t even have ears yet. Or an actual brain. She’ll have to clean up a bit, dust has settled over everything but it’s clean and doesn’t reek of alcohol.

Maybe she should paint it too. A nice happy color. Pink? No. Maybe a lighter shade of blue. Or Green. Or Purple. She checks what used to be her bedroom. She still can’t see a baby’s room. She then checks what used to be her ‘office’ or the room she used to dick around in. Still nothing. She can put the crib in the corner but as for decorations, she doesn’t know what she’ll put. What did she have in her own room? All she remembers is what she had as a teenager and that leads her to think about her dad and she doesn’t want to do this anymore. She pushes the memories down and shuts the door.

The kitchen is going to need to be redone. She left a hole in the pantry door. She was so drunk that she thought it was locked. She smiles when she remembers how funny it was to Ell and Matilda in the morning. They found her, nude, clutching a box of powdered donuts. Ell nearly peed herself and Matilda smiled as she made them all pancakes. Tori showed up a month after that. She pushes those memories down too. She locks it up and leaves feeling a weight in her chest. She’ll be fine. She’ll always be fine.

She takes buses and trains to wherever she needs to go. She eats at a different time than the others and reads books about child care. At least she tries: She’ll lose concentration and try to visualize what she’s gonna be like as a mother. Her brain only takes her to that fantasy house with Ell and Matilda like some 50’s sitcom. She has to go and do something like shower or watch a cartoon to stop her from going there. 

She apologized again for punching Tori and the Norwegian woman has forgiven her. She left immediately because Tori wanted to ask her when the next doctor’s appointment was. She told her that there was an emergency at the apartments and dashed off. She went to the cinema instead and watched a horror film alone. She’s been avoiding her other roommates as well. Ell and Matilda will try and invite her to places sometimes but Tamara politely declines. She doesn’t have it in her to lie to them. Lately, she’s been feeling guilty about lying to Tori as well, so she just keeps her distance so she won’t have to. It goes on like this for two weeks.

Tamara goes over to Joana’s place often where Elena gives her insight into her future, “You’re gonna bloat and you’re tits are gonna be sore as fuck.” 

“Sounds fun, “Tamara responds.

Martha cuts in, “You can have one of your girlfriends massage them.” Elena and Martha laugh and Joana scolds them, “Now, you both need to leave her alone!” Tamara gave a disgusted look and laughed with them. Unfortunately, in the theater of her mind, a brief image of Tori’s rough hands on her chest was procured and she makes a mental note to ask the doctor for a referral to psychological health.

Her hands have healed and she plays her bass guitar again. She worries that if her stomach gets too big, playing her bass in a normal position will become difficult. Then she remembers that she saw a small bass guitar for kids in the music shop where she goes to buy replacement strings. She imagines teaching her kid to play bass and that makes her feel less anxious. When she’s playing, she notices that the other girls will hover around. They either linger outside or come in and sit on Ell’s bed, pretending that they’re doing something else. She doesn’t make any remarks on this. She’s surprised to see Tori though. 

Tori asks her, “Can you sing?” and Tamara just shrugs and tells her she needs to be somewhere.

Tori has set the gym up in Matilda’s old room and the girls spend a lot of their time in there. Tamara can’t imagine Ell without her soft figure and then reminds herself that she shouldn’t care. Tamara doesn’t join them. She stays active by walking around the neighborhood or going to the park she cried in with Joana and Amy. 

Amy has started walking. Imagine a pink pastry puff decorated in lace and tulle, waddling and crawling about, and that’s what Amy is. Joana is the one that dresses her. When Amy gets tired, Joana places her in a pink carriage and wheels her around. Amy is a peaceful sleeper. Joana asks Tamara, “Have you looked for a crib yet? How about a stroller?” Tamara shakes her head and Joana ‘tsks’ and says, “You should start looking. Can’t let these things be last minute.” Tamara smiles, “Was planning to the put them in a crate.” Joana elbows her and giggles, “Very funny.” Eventually, the younger woman shows Tamara how to change a diaper and has Tamara try it herself. She does it backwards and Elena laughs until she’s coughing and has to leave the room or else she’ll suffocate.

~

One day, Tamara is coming home from watching a movie with her new friends. Just like she used to do with her roommates. Sadness begins to creep up but Tamara pushes it down. They watched a romantic comedy. Apparently, neither Joana or her wives like horror movies. Tamara can’t imagine her child NOT liking horror films. She doesn’t plan on traumatizing her kid but they’re not going to grow up without at least knowing the classics.

As she’s walking up to the house, she sees that the front door is thrown open and Tori is waiting for her. Tamara is wearing one of her more tighter t-shirts and the bump is a lot more visible. She keeps walking and tries to ignore the way Tori is watching her.

The brunette heads up to her room but notices that Tori is following her. She starts to feel a little tension as she hopes that Tori is just going the same direction. Her anxiety is confirmed when Tori shuffles after her into the room. It feels a lot like the day she punched Tori in the face and she’d rather not have that happen again. She puts her bag down and sits to remove her shoes. Tori sits on Ell’s bed and watches her closely. 

“What do you want Tori?” Tamara doesn’t look at her as she unties her shoelaces. 

“Nothing.” There’s no emotion in Tori’s voice. 

Tamara doesn’t inquire further and gets up to go the bathroom; Tori follows right behind her. Tamara pulls out Q tips to fix her make up. Tori sits on the toilet lid and watches her intensely. 

“What do you want Tori?” 

“Nothing.” Again with no emotion.

Tamara readjusts her hair before leaving the restroom. Again, Tori follows. Maybe she should go for a walk. She re-enters the bedroom and is about to put her shoes on again and Tori freezes. “Where are you going?” Tori’s voice comes out as anxious.

“No where.” Tamara says it with as much apathy as possible. Tori shuts the bedroom door. 

Oh here we go. 

Tamara wishes she had a whistle or something for every time Tori attacked her. She could just blow it and the other girls would know that Tori is about to start something again.

Tori leans against the door, “Where do you go? You’re never home.”

Tamara puts her shoes back on and pulls a hoodie over herself, “I go and see some friends.”

“You? You have other friends?” Tori laughs a little but Tamara ignores her. Ignoring Tori pisses the woman off more than anything. Tamara keeps her face blank as Tori clicks her nails against the door; They sound like she just sharpened them. 

“Is this the friend that got you pregnant?” Tori asks and it’s Tamara turn to laugh. She turns to look at her but the Norwegian woman isn’t laughing. No creepy grin or sadistic smile graces the woman’s face. Tori is patiently waiting for an answer. Tamara shakes her head and Tori seems to exhale in relief.

They remain silent for a few moments. Tori keeps staring at Tamara while the brunette puts her wallet and phone to join her keys in the pocket. Tori’s nails click against the wood again. This is what she does when she’s trying to think of something. Or waiting. Waiting for a plan to fall through. She did it a lot when she was trying to get the robot out of the house. Tamara turns to see Tori’s eyes plagued with anxiety and her mouth tightly closed. What is she planning?

Tori gulps and says, “You’re starting to show.”

Tamara pats her abdomen, “Not by that much. You have to look real close.” Something is bothering Tori. Tamara feels like this conversation is going no where. Or Tori is trying to direct it to a topic she’d rather avoid if she could. Tamara doesn’t like either direction and starts to move toward the door. Tori stays right where she is and Tamara might have to start going to anger management because every time Tori just breathes, Tamara wants to scar the other side of her face. She wants to knock her out again.

Tori’s wearing gym clothes and Tamara can see her toned physique better. This woman could take her out with her bare hands and still Tamara manages to kick her ass. She hates her even more now. Tori does the nail clicking thing again and Tamara is about to shout at her to move but Tori goes first, “I think we should hang out tomorrow.”

“What?” Tamara backs up. There is no hint of malice in Tori’s voice, “I think you and I should go somewhere tomorrow…as friends.”

“We’re not friends.” Tamara crosses her arms and Tori gestures wildly, “That’s why! If we start hanging out then maybe…maybe we can at least try to get along.”

Suspicion starts to grow as Tamara is reminded of Tori all of sudden being friendly when she was trying to get that thing out from under their house. Tamara’s eyes narrow, “What the hell are you planning?”

“Nothing! I just want the fighting to stop!” Tori’s nails don’t click against the door and she looks like she’s being serious. No weird smile or glint in her grey eyes.

Tamara doesn’t feel convinced and then Tori says, “Do it for Ell and Matilda. Please. They’re the ones who suggested we try it.”

Of course Tori wouldn’t actually WANT to hang out with Tamara unless the other two made her do it. For some reason Tamara feels a little hurt but decides that maybe she can get the others off her back this way. 

Tamara is tired, “Fine.” 

Tori smiles but it’s not her trademark evil grin, it’s an actual fucking smile. It freaks Tamara out more than the mean ones. Tori says, “Thank you,” before opening the door and walking out. Tamara stays stuck in place. She feels like she’s just set up a date.

~

Tamara is in the bath tub, later that night, but this time she’s actually bathing. Elena recommended taking warm baths. She can hear the woman’s gruff voice in her mind, “Maybe get one of your girlfriends to hop in with you.” Tamara turned bright red and spit her tea out which caused Elena to laugh wildly. She could hear Martha cackling in the other room. The warm water feels nice on her aching muscles. All those movies and ads depicting pregnant women are bullshit. There’s no glowing feelings or touching her stomach in pride. She feels sick and exhausted all the time. She gets dizzy and her headaches have been getting worse.

She should probably be writing all this down to talk about with her doctor but she keeps forgetting. A knock is heard on the door and Matilda walks in. The red-head smiles at her and Tamara gives her a half-one back. Matilda goes to the mirror above the sink and takes a q-tip to clean up flakes of mascara from her lower eye-lid. Tamara can’t help but watch. As a child, she used to watch her mother apply make-up. Now, she’ll watch make-up tutorials when she needs to relax.

Matilda finishes cleaning up and notices the other woman looking up at her. Tamara quickly apologizes but Matilda shakes her head, “You didn’t do anything wrong.” Tamara expects her to leave but, instead, Matilda kneels down and sits on the floor. She rests her cheek on the rim of the tub and looks up at Tamara. A lump has formed in Tamara’s throat. An image of Matilda actually being in the tub with her comes up in her mind and she shoves it away. Matilda smiles sweetly but then the smile dies and a sad look comes across her face.

“What’s wrong?” Tamara asks her. 

Matilda clears her throat and she sounds a little nervous, “Can you keep a secret?” 

“Sure” Tamara whispers.

Matilda looks at the bathroom door to make sure no one’s there. She turns back to Tamara and says, “I think I’m in love with Ell.”

Tamara never thought to tell any of her other friends about her feelings for Ell but now she’s glad she didn’t. She remembers that they were on the couch, kissing, when she came back and that was never brought up. Tamara must look shocked because Matilda says, “Yeah…never thought I’d be into girls but…she’s wonderful.”

’I know’ Tamara wants to say but holds herself back.

“There’s nothing wrong with that Matty.” Tamara reassures her and Matilda nods. A smile graces the taller woman’s face, “She cares so much about others. Plus, she’s absolutely adorable. I don’t know what I should do. Every time I’m around her, it’s like a sunny day.”

There is something that Tamara needs to get off her chest, “Weren’t you and her making out on the couch the day after I punched Tori?” Matilda’s face goes bright red and her fingers fidget on the rim of the tub. They’re painted a different shade of purple today. Matilda keeps her gaze on Tamara’s neck, “It just sort of happened. We had just come back from looking around the neighborhood for you-“ Tamara feels a little bit guilty “- and then I couldn’t stop crying because I was so scared-“ Okay. A lot guilty “-and we started holding each other and then…she kissed me.”

Tamara’s eyes widen, “She kissed you? Like…she’s the one that made it happen?”

Matilda nods enthusiastically, “You think that means she likes me too?”

The memory comes flooding back of Tori’s tongue down Ell’s throat and Tamara feels her heart break again. Not just for herself this time. Tamara moves closer and wraps her arms around Matilda. She wants to tell her about Tori. She wants to tell her about the day she found them on Tori’s bed. Tell Matilda that Ell shouldn’t have led her on like that.

It doesn’t come out.

None of it can get past the knot in her throat.

Matilda hugs her back and Tamara feels the guilt fill her to the brim. She should tell her but…

Fingers are tracing up and down her spine and Matilda’s face is buried in her neck. She quietly whispers, “Tammy?”

Tamara gulps and she remembers that she’s completely naked, “Yeah..?”

She feels Matilda let out a puff of breath against her jaw and it makes her shiver. Matilda’s lips tickle as they move against Tamara’s ear to say,“Your skin’s real soft.”

The door swings open and Matilda quickly lets go of Tamara, leaving the brunette cold and longing for something unknown. Tori walks in but pauses when she sees the two women. Matilda gets up, smiles at Tori, and then skips out. The water has cooled and Tamara pulls out the plug to drain it. Tori hands her a towel and Tamara accepts it without word. 

“How have you been feeling?” Tori asks.

Tamara lets out a deep sigh and answers, “Fine.”

She walks out of the bathroom and is glad that Tori doesn’t follow.

~

Tamara wakes up the next day and puts on a loose, black shirt and baggy jeans. She eats a light breakfast and feels nervous. She’s never actually gone anywhere with Tori for the sole purpose of attempting to bond.

And then a wave of nausea hits her. 

Oh god.

She rushes to the bathroom and heaves out her breakfast. She desperately gulps for air as she keep vomiting until there’s nothing left. She wipes the tears that have formed at the corners of her eyes and flushes. She brushes her teeth, careful of her gag reflex, but the mint feels really strong and she gags anyway. She leaves the bathroom and attempts to take deep even breaths. She notices that some toothpaste has gotten on to her shirt. She doesn’t want to go looking gross. For sure, Tori is putting on something that emphasizes her good looks. All Tamara wants is to look decent. 

She heads up to her room and hears a giggle. It sounds like Matilda. She opens the door expecting the woman to be chatting with Ell but instead Matilda’s long legs are spread wide open and Ell’s face is buried in between them. Tamara chokes and terror takes over. Ell turns and Matilda quickly pulls a pillow over her exposed area. Ell looks afraid. Tamara slams the door shut and runs down the hall and out the door. Her heart is slamming against her rib cage and her stomach has twisted into knots. She wants to scream. She tries to get a hold of her breathing and succeeds right before Tori walks out. 

Tamara turns, expecting the woman to be in a crop top and high waisted shorts. Instead, Tori is wearing loose jeans and a red hoodie. Tamara can’t stop looking at her. Tori only ever dresses like this when she’s…comfortable. There is a smile on Tori’s face and, for some reason, Tamara’s heart skips a little. Tori offers to drive and Tamara accepts it, already feeling tired. They get in Tori’s car and Tamara tries to remove herself from the previous moment. She tries to think about the explosive that’s probably in the car. How it could go off, taking them both out. Ending this already. Anything to stop her from thinking about what she saw. They drive in silence. Tamara can’t decide if she should talk about what she just witnessed.

She decides not to. 

Tamara thinks that maybe they’re going to see a movie or something but Tori takes a street that Tamara doesn’t recognize and her anxiety instantly flares up. She looks at the Norwegian woman, “Where are we going?”

Tori smiles and keeps her eyes on the road. She takes a left turn and Tamara looks around trying to figure out where Tori is taking her. Tamara turns back to the other, “If you’re gonna murder me-“

Tori laughs and shakes her head, “We’re going to the arcade.” Tamara raises an eyebrow, “The arcade?” Tori shrugs her shoulders. They pull into the parking lot of the arcade and Tori parks quickly. She hops out of the car and goes to open the passenger door for Tamara. Tori is excited and smiling when she says, “C’mon! Let’s go!” Tamara gets out and takes in the bright colors of the building and the scent of junk food. She hasn’t been to the arcade in a long time.

~

It’s a weekday, so the place is practically empty. The day is spent with Tori dragging Tamara around to play various fighting games. Tamara beats her, of course, but Tori doesn’t get upset. The Norwegian woman smirks and says, “I’ll get you next time.” They play nearly every game in the arcade and Tamara starts to feel herself actually become happy again. They compete with each other but this time there is no pressure to be better than the other. 

It almost feels like Tori is trying to impress her sometimes. Especially on a game where the player has to physically punch a bag. Tori does it with her non-robotic arm and gets a high score. Tamara get a slightly lower score and Tori says, “Good thing you have me, right?” Tamara actually laughs. It feels like they’re just two girls having fun and not a crazy communist and a pregnant woman who are usually at each other’s throats.

Tamara sees a 4D zombie game and gestures toward it. Tori isn’t usually fond of the game franchise but Tamara elbows her and chuckles, “Scared? I’ll hold your hand.” Tori’s eyes light up and she’s quick to pull Tamara toward the machine. The enclosed space forces them to sit closely together but Tamara feels like Tori is pressing closer than need be. The game starts and the seat jostles them around violently during the whole thing. Tori leans in, “Will you be okay?” Tamara nods her head and doesn’t acknowledge the way Tori lingers a bit before looking back at the screen. It’s a shooter game, so naturally Tori gets the most kills but Tamara doesn’t mind. ‘Good thing you have me, right?’ echoes in Tamara’s mind, in Tori’s voice, and she tries to pay attention to the plot that the game is attempting to get through instead.

They make it through 4 chapters of gameplay before Tamara’s stomach growls loudly and the other laughs. Tori takes her hand and pulls her over to the snack bar where she gets her a slice of pizza and a soda. Tori gets one for herself but ignores it in favor of watching Tamara eat. She gives it to the brunette eventually.

Tori studies Tamara with a smile and asks, “Have you been getting cravings?” Tamara nods. Tori seems intrigued, “Like for what?” Tamara wipes her mouth of pizza grease, “Junk food.” Tori cocks her head, “You’re gonna get fat.” Tamara sips at her soda, “I’m allowed. I’m pregnant.” Tamara doesn’t feel as anxious about acknowledging it as much anymore. Tori clicks her nails, “You can use our new gym.” Tamara burps and Tori scrunches her nose and punches the brunette in the arm. Tamara laughs, “I want to get fat!”

Tori smiles, “Well then, if you want anything, let me know so I can go get it for you.”

Tamara ignores it.

Tori seems to have moved an inch closer, “Do your breasts hurt yet? I hear they start to hurt.” Tamara moves an inch back and says, “That’s not creepy.” She makes sure to get the sarcasm across as clear as possible. Tori’s smile isn’t as wide but there’s something behind it, “I’m just curious. I’ve been doing some reading.” Tamara raises an eyebrow and Tori waits patiently for a response.

“Yeah. A little.” Tamara looks away and Tori cocks her head again but with a little more emphasis this time. Tori bats her lashes as she feigns ignorance, “A little what?” 

Oh. Tori wants to play games and Tamara blushes. The brunette answers with a dull tone, “Yes Tori. My breasts are starting to hurt.” She looks back at Tori who laces her fingers together. It went from a hang out to an interrogation in less than a minute and Tamara realizes that she forgot about her ‘No Conversations’ rule. Tamara takes the paper plates and reaches back to put them into a nearby trash can. A hand darts out and Tamara feels it on her waist and Tori says, “I can massage them for you.” That image of Tori’s hands on her chest comes back. Tamara immediately drops the plates onto the floor and violently slaps the hand. She looks at Tori with fury, “What the FUCK do you think you’re doing?” 

Tori is rubbing her hand and looking at Tamara with guilt, “Sorry! I was just kidd-“

“Don’t TOUCH ME! EVER!”

Tori’s eyes are wide with shock and she looks like she wants to say something but the words won’t come out. Tamara gets up and tosses the fallen plates into the garbage before storming out of the arcade. Tori runs after her, “Tammy wait!” Tamara turns back when they’re outside and shouts, “Don’t call me that!” Tori starts to get angry, “Why not?!? SHE can call you that!”

“WHO?”

“MATILDA!”

Tamara feels offended and heads to the car with Tori in hot pursuit. Tori grabs her arm and wrenches her back, “Why do you hate me so much?!?” Tamara tries to pull herself free, “Cause you do shitty things like BLOW UP PEOPLE’S HOUSES!”

“But even BEFORE THAT you HATED me!”

Tamara gets her arms free and sits in the passenger seat once the car is unlocked. Tori takes the driver seat. They sit in agonizing silence and Tamara is trying to count to 10 in her mind in order to stop herself from screaming at the other woman. Her heart is pounding hard in her chest and she hopes she vomits in Tori’s car to ruin the upholstery. Unfortunately, she doesn’t feel sick enough, having thrown up once already for the day.

Tori reaches an arm for Tamara but the brunette recoils and Tori draws it back. Why does everyone keep trying to touch her? Why can’t she stay calm? Why did she let Tori be the one to convince her to keep the child? They’re going to exist thanks to her. Tamara is going to be a mom because of her. Tori keeps her voice low, “Tamara…just…tell me why you hate me. Please.”

“I JUST DO!”

“THAT IS A FUCKING LIE!”

“TAKE ME HOME!”

“NO!”

Tamara then grabs Tori by the collar and is about to spit in her face but she freezes. There is a storm of butterflies inside her and they move out of her stomach to all over her body. Tamara can smell that wood based perfume strongly again and Tori’s eyes are like silver. Tamara is going to be a mom because of her and how is one supposed to feel about that? Tori is looking at her in a way that makes Tamara loosen her grip. Strong hands are grasping at Tamara’s waist and bringing her closer to the other. Without thinking, Tamara crashes her lips against Tori’s. It is brief but it is done with intensity. When she realizes what she’s doing she attempts to pull away but Tori grabs her head with both hands and brings her back.

It’s all biting and open-mouthed and Tori’s hands are around her pulling her close again. Tamara’s brain stops functioning and if the car exploded right now then she’d be absolutely fine with it. Hands that have tried to start wars and can get a high score on a punching bag game are moving up her shirt and it feels like it’s going way too fast but Tamara doesn’t push them away. Her own arms wrap around Tori’s neck and tug at the blonde strands. Tori pulls back and Tamara is left flushed and panting. The other’s mouth goes to Tamara’s neck and teeth scape her skin as she says, “Don’t tell Ell.”

Tamara pushes her violently and backs up into the car door. She can’t believe this. Tori doesn’t seem to understand, “What? Did I do something wrong?”

Tamara is furious again, “I am NO ONE’S DIRTY SECRET!” Tamara is shaking and for some reason she feels like she’s going to cry. She’s trying to stay calm but the anger is back, “Is that why you brought me here? Ell not enough?”

Rage fills Tori’s eyes but Tamara isn’t intimidated, “Take me home! Right now!” Tori is breathing harshly but she starts the car anyway and they don’t talk during the whole way. When they get back, Tamara gets out and slams the door, stomping away. She opens the front door and sees Ell and Matilda on the couch. They look at her with nervous eyes but Tamara ignores them. She rushes into her old room, locks herself in, gets into the closet and shuts the door.

In the darkness, she can think without distraction. She’s too sober for any of this. She wants a drink so bad right now. She wants to empty a whole bottle of Smirnoff and then smash the bottle over Tori’s FUCKING head! She brings a hand to her mouth and bites down so hard that it’ll probably look like it did when she ran out after punching Tori. She wants to go see Joana again. She wants Martha to fix her hand. She wants Elena to make dirty jokes and give her advice. She wants to be in a little pink house where 3 women love each other and take care of a baby with pink cheeks that won’t stop FUCKING GIGGLING.

She bites down so hard that she actually screams and something warm is running down her wrist. She forces herself to stop and open the closet door by a sliver to let in some light. She finds a deep teeth imprint on her hand and blood is oozing out rapidly. She can taste it in her mouth too. It looks like something from a zombie movie. Somebody manages to get the door to her room unlocked and light floods the closet space.

Tori is about to yell but the anger drops dead when she sees Tamara’s bleeding hand and her face draining of color. Tamara is pretty sure there is blood on her mouth and it doesn’t take a scientist to figure out who bit her hand. Ell is on her knees in a flash and shaking Tamara while crying, “Stop doing this! Stop hurting yourself like this!”

But all Tamara does is stare at her injured hand. A voice in her head is screaming for her to run but her legs fail to move. Everything starts closing in and her ears are ringing. Darkness creeps at the edges of her vision and spots of lights are flashing. The voices of her roommates are getting farther and farther away. It feels like someone is hammering nails into her skull. She can’t breathe.

She faints.

~

She wakes up in her own bed with her head in someone’s lap. Her hand has been bandaged up with care. She’s glad that they didn’t take her to the hospital. They would have strapped her down for sure. The lap belongs to Matilda. She can tell it’s her by the freckles that grace the soft upper thighs and floral perfume that makes it seem like Matilda sleeps in a garden. The memory of her legs spread wide flashes like lightning and Tamara feels like she’s about to have another panic attack. Matilda notices that the brunette has opened her eyes and bends down to speak softly to her, “I’ve seen this happen to the pregnant ladies that come in sometimes.” 

Matilda is petting Tamara’s hair as she tells her, “You fainted, love.” There is a dull throbbing at the back of Tamara’s head and the light coming from the window is hurting her eyes. Matilda is using her other hand to hold Tamara’s own injured one; Stroking it gently with her thumb.

“You have to stop pushing everyone away like this.” Matilda sounds sad.

“I’m fine.” Tamara responds without emotion.

Matilda has begun to cry and Tamara is sick and tired of everyone fucking crying. The ginger shakes her head, “No you’re not! I know I’m not the smartest person but you clearly need help! We’re here for you. Just tell us what’s wrong. Please!”

Tamara wants to laugh. She wants to cry. She wants Matilda to hold her in another powerful embrace and tell her it’ll be alright. She wants Matilda’s fingers on her back again and to tell Tamara about her day at work and how much she loves Ell. She wants Matilda to want her just as much. 

But all Tamara can say is, “Get out.”

“Please.”

“I said GET OUT!”

Tamara jolts up and grabs Matilda, pushing her out of the room before slamming the door shut. She looks for her phone and starts to search through her contacts. When she finds who she’s looking for she calls the number and a familiar voice answers, “Tam? What’s up?”

“Elena can you please come pick me up?”

“On my way.” Elena hangs up the phone and Tamara puts on her shoes and stuffs some clothes in a bag. She sits on her bed and hugs her knees. She stares at the phone screen in agony and 20 minutes later she gets a text that almost makes her cry out in joy: “I’m here.”

She jumps up and runs out of the room. She stops when she sees all three women in the living room. They’re all on the main couch trying to comfort Matilda. They look up to see Tamara with a full bag over her shoulders. Ell looks like she’s about to panic. Tamara turns to her and screams, “PICK ONE!”

Both women look confused but Ell knows what she means. 

Tamara feels like she’s about to cry, “You CAN’T keep doing this! You can’t KEEP DOING THIS TO US! YOU CAN’T KEEP DOING THIS TO ME!”

“You?” Ell repeats and Tamara wishes she had kept her mouth shut. However, the other two ignore Tamara’s confession to look at Ell. Matilda is confused but Tori seems to be catching on when she narrows her eyes at the other two women and says, “I…I knew you two were hiding something…” 

Ell is avoiding everyone’s gaze and then Matilda realizes what Tori is talking about, “Y-you mean…her…and…you?” Matilda looks like she desperately wants to be proven wrong but Tori doesn’t answer and Ell looks guilty.

Tamara doesn’t wait for the bomb she just dropped to go off. She opens the door and slams it behind her practically running into Elena’s car. 

She stammers out, “Th-thanks.”

“No problem,” Elena says casually and drives off.


	6. Soy como una roca, Palabras no me tocan...

They were all close as kids. Their parents were friends and were so happy to see their children getting along. 8 years of playing house with Tori and Ell as the mother and father, Matilda as the daughter, and Tamara as the dog. She chose to be the dog. Dogs didn’t have to worry about anything. Sometimes, she did play the mom. It was on days where Ell wanted to be the cat. Tamara would try to be like her own mom. Tori would go pick weeds and bring them to her like flowers. Those were the days before they fought. Tori was actually her best friend.

And then she had to move back to Norway. Tori gave Tamara her favorite mood ring to remember her by. Before her mother died, she never took it off. Tamara doesn’t remember where she put it after that. Then it was just the three of them. Watching scary movies under blanket forts, writing letters to Tori that were never sent, and running around the neighborhood pretending to be pirates. They couldn’t play house without Tori but everything was okay. They still had fun.

And then Tamara’s mother died. A freak accident they called it. They were out fishing, just her and her mother, and a bullet flew out of no where. The bang made them both jump in surprise and then Tamara’s mother hit the ground. It pierced her lung and the ambulance didn’t arrive on time. How a bear got a hold of gun was a complete mystery. Tamara watched her own mother bleed to death. After the funeral, her father had changed. He used to be lively and fun. He would read Tamara bed time stories and show her how to do multiplication. He treated Tamara like she was his world. But when his wife died, he started drinking and spent most of his time sleeping. At 8 years old, Tamara was alone.

The three girls had grown apart. Matilda went off to some private boarding school and Ell joined a crowd of quiet girls that drew anime characters and got good marks. Tamara set fire to a trash can. Just to see if she could do it. They called her father and instead of an angry man, the shell of one walked in, picked up his daughter and took her home. He spent the rest of the day drinking and crying in his personal office. And like that it remained.

Tamara spent another 8 years fighting other girls and ditching classes. Older boys were in an out of her life. There were at least two girlfriends that lasted a month each before Tamara grew tired of them. She made friends but no one was ever close. No one knew about Tamara’s mom or dad. She didn’t want people to know. The less people knew, the better. No matter how close she came to being expelled, her father never spoke to her about it once. He picked her up, took her home, and the cycle repeated. The counselors stopped calling him at some point. 

Eventually, she realized that acting out wasn’t working and decided to focus on school. She made the decision, upon entering high school, to do better. She got good grades and joined a music class. She didn’t go to as many parties and started talking to Ell again. That’s when she fell in love with her. They were talking about seeing a new horror film together sometime and Tamara actually felt excited. But not about the movie. About getting to be with her again. She made a pact that day to never tell Ell about her feelings though. 

She was a good student; Teachers actually started liking her. She wasn’t nearly biting people’s heads off and actually wanted to go to college. She felt like she was finally something her father could be proud of.

And then he died.

She came home and her father wasn’t there. Checked his office, bedroom, and knocked on the neighbor’s doors but no one had seen him. She sat in the living room and waited…

and waited…

and waited…

And after she woke up on the couch, the next day, to see that he still hadn’t returned, she called the police. 2 days later, his body was found in the same lake where her mother was shot. He drowned himself. There was no alcohol in his body. He was fully sober when he chose to die. 

At 16 years old, Tamara was officially alone.

Her uncle came to get her. He wasn’t a terrible person but he wasn’t really the parental type. He himself was still immature at 24. Her mother’s youngest brother. She remembers him from the funeral. He lived in a small apartment and supported himself by bartending at a club where he met his sugar daddy. He taught her how to play bass guitar and shoot whiskey. From him is where she discovered that comfort could be found at the bottom of a bottle of Smirnoff. Tamara was never given a bed time and could go wherever she wanted without question.

Then Matilda came back and she was beautiful and elegant. She was friendly and kind and everybody loved her. She instantly became popular but she still clung to Ell madly. Tamara decided to hang out with them again. It made her feel a little less shitty. Matilda and Ell had been untouched by the crushing weight of the world and still had hope for a happy future. Tamara thought she’d be dead by now but Matilda smiling warmly at her made her glad she managed to stick around.

And then Tori came back. Incredibly intelligent and gorgeous, Tori’s presence was respected and even feared. The girls that would usually fight Tamara, refused to be anywhere near Tori. But something had changed. The minute Tori saw Tamara…she sneered and insulted her. Tamara didn’t understand why and a week went by of Tori treating her like dirt until Tamara punched her. They never got along after that. 

They all went to the same college. Tamara thought they’d go to better schools considering Tori and Ell’s grades and Matilda’s connections but when they heard where Tamara was enrolling, they went there instead. Matilda could have been a model. Her parents wanted her to inherit the family fortune and just get married but Matilda studied to be a nurse.

“I like helping people. Nurses are always nice.” Is what she told them.

Ell studied animation but then stuck to making comic books. Tori was going into engineering and minored in political science. That should have been the first warning.

They became close again and she finally told them about her father’s death. Tori put a hand on her arm and told her that she was sorry. Tamara spit in her eye and Tori threw a couch at her. After they graduated, they needed a place to go. Tamara’s uncle was going to marry his sugar daddy and move to America. He asked if she’d be okay. Tamara said she’d be fine even though she had no idea what she was going to do. Then Ell suggested they all move in together. 

They found a house.

They lived together.

And they went on adventures.

And Tamara had people to come home to.

And sometimes, she didn’t feel so alone.

She was actually happy.

It’s amazing.

How hard life can fuck you.

~

“You ever love someone so much it hurts?” Tamara asks as she lies on the guest bed with Martha. Tamara turned off her phone. There’s probably like a hundred voice messages by now. She hasn’t listened to a single one. She feels like shit. She shouldn’t have let out their business like that and she wants to go home but she’s not ready.

Martha turns to her, “I remember when I first met Joana and Elena. They were looking for a third roommate and I needed a place to live at while I was getting my degree.” Tamara listens intently to Martha’s smooth voice, “I fell in love with Elena first. She was this bossy woman that didn’t allow anyone to undermine her. A bit rough but she defended what she loved. Despite what she’ll tell you, she’s a good person at the core.” Tamara scoots closer as Martha continues, “Then Joana started to come around me more often. She was so sweet and pure and she made me feel like I was a good person. I didn’t have to be so closed off with them.” Martha is looking up at the ceiling as she grins, “Plus they’re really hot. That’s not the main factor but it’s a bonus.”

It makes Tamara laugh. “I didn’t know how to tell them how I felt,” Martha goes on, “We kept sleeping with each other but I wanted more than that. I wanted both of them though. I couldn’t pick. I used to panic over the idea that one day I might have to pick. I didn’t want to lose either of them…Apparently, they felt the same.”

Martha smiles a lovely smile: The kind only someone who is truly happy can give.

~

Tamara feels like she’s taking more than she’s giving. They’ve been so kind to take her in despite their past rivalry. It was more between Elena and Ell, but still. They always seem so tired and desperate for time together at the end of the day. So, she offers to baby sit their daughter, giving the women a chance to all go on a date. Joana hesitates at first but Elena grabs her by the waist and carries her out. Martha chuckles and gives Tamara a list of emergency phone numbers. “Call us if there’s any trouble,” she says before leaving to try and pull Joana out of Elena’s grasp.

Tamara watches over Amy and expects it to be difficult but Amy is a perfect angel. Well almost, she throws fits if Tamara leaves her sight for more than a second. The little girl ends up spending most of the evening in her babysitter’s arms. Tamara finds herself laughing every time Amy burps or screams for no reason. As long as Tamara doesn’t leave her, Amy doesn’t cry when you put her down. Instead, she’ll immediately take off running and Tamara has to chase after her to catch her when she falls.

Those educational shows that Amy likes to watch are practically an acid trip. Tamara should know. But she bares through them when she sees Amy clapping along with joy. When she does it too, Amy laughs and grabs Tamara’s hands. Her chubby little fingers cling on and pull Tamara’s hands together and apart repeatedly to get her to clap again. Then Tamara decides to check something. Using the sleeves of her hoodie she gently dabs Amy’s cheeks and the pink hue doesn’t come off: It isn’t makeup. This baby has pink cheeks for real and Tamara blows a raspberry on each of them, sending the little girl into a fit of delightful squeals.

After she tucks Amy in with a bottle of warm breast milk that Elena has prepared in advance, she spends the rest of the evening watching Frankenhooker in the living room. The volume is kept low so Tamara can hear if Amy cries. Why can’t all babies be like that? So calm. So content with things. Tamara used to babysit a little boy when she was living with her uncle. She needed the money and the boy’s mother needed the alone time. He was a brat. Tamara thought she’d never want kids after that. It was temper tantrum after temper tantrum and now Tamara understood why his mother needed the space.

What would her baby be like?

Chill?

She’s always thought of herself as a chill person but then remembers how her immediate reaction to confrontation is anger. 

To yell.

To fight.

This baby might be a nightmare.

What if she ends up like her dad?

Why is she going through with this again?

~

2 days have gone by since she left Ell and the others and Tamara decides to turn her phone on. 

72 voice mails, 109 missed calls and 132 text messages.

Tamara thought they’d be thrilled to have her out of the house. She tries to listen to the first one. It’s from Tori and it starts with “ANSWER THE PHONE TAMARA-“ and ends with Tamara hanging up and shutting her phone off again.

~  
Learning a language is always good right? Tamara tries to learn Spanish seeing as how she has access to a legitimate Spanish speaker. She doesn’t outright ask Elena to teach her, Elena just sort of does it and Tamara follows along as best as she can. The Spanish was never directed at her initially; The Spanish was usually reserved for Elena’s wives and for whoever cuts her off on her commute to work. 

Elena would mutter -what Tamara assumes is something sexual- into Joana’s ear when she isn’t paying attention, causing the woman to go bright red. Based on this, it is safe to assume that Joana can at least understand Spanish. As for Martha, Elena jokes or something in Spanish and Martha will be cackling wildly. It must be equally as dirty as whatever she tells Joana. Their sense of humor is usually based on dirty jokes and teasing their little wife and Tamara.

She figures the best way to learn a language is by watching television. That’s how Tori learned to speak English. They met her when she was like 6 and Tori would randomly repeat a phrase from whatever show they were watching. They never laughed at her. Within 2 months she picked up English. She was always able to learn things at an amazingly fast rate. Tamara used to think it was so cool. She used to think Tori was so cool. What the hell happened?

Tamara can’t stand Elena’s awful soap operas but watches anyway because she really does want to learn this language. They’re the most ridiculous thing she’s ever seen, next to Professor Why, of course. Everyone is always crying and right at the edge of a resolution, a new conflict will arise. The plots are convoluted and the romances are unrealistic. Elena claims that she isn’t the sappy type but here she is, binge watching this crap. Tamara is the only one who will watch it with her. Martha will refuse and Joana will politely decline and go tend to Amy. They are sitting on the antique, pink sofa and into season 3 of the latest one they’ve been watching when Tamara turns to Elena and asks, “Do Martha and Joana speak Spanish?”

Elena nods, too absorbed in the story to really answer. She can’t really imagine what Martha or Joana speaking Spanish would sound like. She knows what Elena sounds like because every time the woman gets angry the Spanish will unconsciously burst out. She’s never seen Martha express any form of true anger and Joana is adorable when she’s mad: She puffs out her cheeks and they go…pink. 

Come to think of it, Amy looks a lot like Joana. They have the same beady eyes and round face along with the same nose. Amy has Elena’s hair and lips but Amy might as well be Joana’s biological daughter.

She turns back to Elena, “Does Joana have a brother? or something?” Elena looks back at her and raises a brow, “No. Why?” Tamara feels like she should be minding her own business but continues anyway, “How…uhm…how did Amy come about?”

Elena raises an eyebrow, “I don’t understand the question.”

Tamara starts to sweat a little, “Like…was it a donor? Was it random like me? Does…Joana have a relative by any-“

“Oh! No. I didn’t go to a clinic or anything. I was never into the one night stand thing. Always freaked me out. Joana’s got sisters. Parents don’t come around much. ” Elena answers. Tamara wishes that she had siblings. Maybe things would have been better if someone else was there to ground her. At first, Tamara thinks that Elena is skirting around the subject but then Elena says, “Oh! You wanna know how we made Amy. Yeah. She’s Joana’s.”

Tamara’s still confused, “Thought she said she couldn’t have kids. Didn’t you have Amy?”

Elena is completely wrapped up in the story and Tamara has to elbow her to get her attention back. Elena turns back to Tamara and sees that she’s still waiting for an explanation, “Trans kiddo. She’s trans.”

“Oh!” Tamara leans back. Now it makes sense. “That explains it.” Tamara says.

Elena turns back to the TV, “Explains what?”

Tamara smiles, “Amy’s way too cute not to be Joana’s.”

A look of bliss comes across Elena’s face and Tamara thinks about Matilda for a moment. Elena’s gaze is on the screen but her mind is probably on her daughter and the family they’ve made for themselves. “Yeah. Yeah she is…” Elena trails off happily.

“How about you?” Elena asks, “Takes two to make a baby. You know the guy?”

Tamara shakes her head. She seriously cannot remember who it was. She gets around a lot. Elena smiles, “Good. Don’t need ‘em. Not when you have like three girlfriends.”

“Not my girlfriends,” Tamara doesn’t look at Elena.

Elena rolls her eyes, “Yeah, sure. But I remember the way Ell used to look at you. Like you were something pretty special.” Tamara snorts and tries to focus on the story. She should should write down the words she doesn’t understand. There’s a lot of things she should be writing down.

Tamara turns to Elena, “Is it normal to faint?”

“When’s your next visit to the doctors?”

“In like 4 days,” Is Tamara’s answer.

“Just bring that up, okay?” Elena searches through her memory before telling Tamara, “I never fainted but I got dizzy a lot. It’s probably cause you don’t eat.” Tamara doesn’t respond. Elena continues, “You’re gonna have to eat more than crackers at some point. Don’t you get cravings?”

She remembers when Tori asked her that. 

‘Well then, if you want anything, let me know so I can go get it for you.’

“No,” Tamara answers.

Elena gives her a mischievous grin, “Any wet dreams?”

Tamara raises an eyebrow at her, “How does Martha and Joana put up with you?” Elena’s grin gets wider and Tamara chuckles, shaking her head. Elena’s not done though, “I used to get them all the time when I was pregnant. It was so annoying. I actually came in my sleep a couple of times.”

Tamara groans and buries her face in the palm of her hands, “I didn’t need to know that!”

Elena breaks out into laughter, “Joana didn’t know what to do!” Elena’s a lot like her uncle. Telling Tamara shit a kid shouldn’t hear but Tamara’s not a kid anymore and Elena is her friend.

“She-“ Elena’s laughter is getting worse“-she couldn’t-“ she keeps snickering “-she couldn't look me in the eye without turning red! Martha told me”- Another inhale “-I moaNED HER NAME!” Tamara’s face is going red and she doesn’t want to laugh but she can see the scenario in her mind and knowing how innocent Joana is…

Elena pauses before bursting out again, “SHE HAD TO LEAVE THE ROOM!” Tamara is laughing so hard that her stomach is hurting and Elena’s laugh has turned into a high pitched whine along with loud clapping.

Joana walks in with a smile, “Why are guys laughing so hard?”

They manage to calm down and Elena asks her wife, “Do— oh my god—Do you remember when you had to sleep on the couch-“ Elena is snickering again and Tamara doesn’t think she can take it “-cause I moaned your na-?”

Joana doesn’t even let her wife finish. Her smile dies and she turns on her heel to walk out of the room, pretending to have not heard the question. Elena sounds like a dying seal, trying to laugh and breath at the same time, and Tamara is on the floor howling and punching the carpet. They can hear Martha from the kitchen go “Ha!”

~

Tamara and Joana are walking around in the down town area later in the evening. “Girls night” as Joana calls it. Martha and Elena are watching over Amy back at home. Tamara feels more energetic and and the morning sickness has subsided significantly. The bump on her stomach still isn’t noticeable under her hoodie but her pants are starting feel a little tight. She only packed a few of her skinny jeans. Left her sweatpants back home. They’re just walking and looking at shop windows. Tamara sees the music store and wonders if they still have the little bass guitar. She pulls Joana towards it but then stops.

Tori and Matilda are walking toward them. They’re laughing and chatting and seem to be doing just fine. They’re holding hands. They’re dressed nicely and looking at each other and smiling and Tamara realizes that the phone calls have stopped coming. They’ve all stopped calling her. It feels like the day she walked out before the robot activated and decimated their home. The day Tori came back and everyone thought Tamara was being neurotic for not trusting her immediately. When she walked out and no one came after her. She feels left out. She ducks into an alley way pulling Joana with her. The two women pass by but Tamara can still see them in her mind.

Oh no.

Her lungs tighten and her heart is beating hard. Her brain is starting to fog up again and she curls into herself, falling onto her knees. Not now. Please don’t happen now. Not in front of Joana. She feels herself start to plummet into panic again but then thin arms are around her and rocking her gently.

“Breathe,” Joana calmly whispers, “breathe Tamara. It’s okay….” Tamara listens to the younger woman and takes deep even breathes. Joana pulls her in so Tamara can hear her heart beat and she tries to time her breathing to that. It works and Tamara can breathe again. She feels exhausted and dumbfounded. Joana looks down at her, “See? Everything’s okay.”

Tamara feels embarrassed. She has these at the worst times. In front of people who she hoped would never see her like this. Joana pulls her chin up and looks her in the eye, “Does this happen often?” Tamara nods and Joana helps her stand up. Joana looks out the alley way and confirms, “They’re gone.” She then takes Tamara by the arm and leads her to the theater. She buys two tickets to a screening of an old movie that was made around the 1950’s. The theater is empty and so they sit right in the center. It is dark and cool and Tamara lets herself relax. It’s like her little closet space. There’s less stimuli to overwhelm her. Joana pats her arm, “Martha gets them a lot too. Nothing wrong with it.”

Tamara sighs and rubs her face, “It’s not cute when I do it though.”

“Not cute for anybody,” Joana responds.

The movie plays and still no one has entered the theater. They can keep talking an no one will shush them. Joana tells her, “Don’t tell Elena that that Tori girl is back.”

“Still mad?” Tamara asks.

“Yeah. I’m not but she holds grudges. So best not to mention it for now.” Joana rests her head on Tamara’s shoulder. Tamara rests her cheek on Joana’s head, “She violent?”

Joana chuckles, “You know it. Punched a guy in the face for calling me the ’t’ word. It was great. She was the first person to ever defend me like that. We hadn’t even met Martha yet.”

They get quiet and watch the movie for a little bit. It’s in black and white and Audrey Hepburn is in it. It’s the one where she’s a princess and she runs away in Rome, Italy because she’s tired of everything. Joana gives her arm a squeeze, “I always liked this one.” Tamara saw this with her mother once. “Me too…” She says.

They get maybe 30 minutes into it and then Joana speaks again, “You should talk to them.”

Tamara shakes her head, “They don’t want to see me.” She keeps her eyes on the screen and remembers how beautiful they both looked. Like they day Tori got off the plane and Matilda came back from boarding school: They had changed and Tamara’s heart skipped for some reason. They looked happy. Like Tamara leaving had relieved them of stress.

“They don’t want to see me again.”

~

They’re sitting in Elena’s car and listening to music. Waiting for Martha to get off of work in the hospital parking lot. Joana is at home with Amy. Tamara can’t judge Elena for being excited about a band because she gets like this too when someone hasn’t heard of her favorites. “I love this song. I used to listen to it every day when I got my first car. Seriously, how can you not know this band?” Elena is pushing the CD into the slot.

Tamara shrugs, “Guess I gotta visit Mexico more often.”

“First off-“ Elena brings up a finger, “They ain’t Mexican, they’re from Argentina.”

Tamara puts her hands up in defense, “Sorry.”

Elena smiles, “Better be. Now shut up, I should have taught you enough to be able to understand.” The song starts off with some kind of pan flute and then drops into the main band. The guitar sounds nice and Tamara is amazed that she actually DOES understand some of it. Who knew that watching 4 different novellas and listening to a hispanic woman curse nearly everyday would actually teach her something.

“Y yo estoy aqui…Borracho y loco.” 

‘And here I am. Drunk and Crazy.’  
One time, she got so drunk that she woke up naked next to Tori and she doesn’t know why she remembers that right now.

“Y mi corazón idiota…Siempre brillará”

‘And my stupid heart. Always shining’

She left the room before Tori woke up. The other was fully dressed which means that nothing happened.

“Y yo te amaré…Te amaré por siempre” 

‘And I will love you….I will love you forever…’

What freaked her out though was that Tori was actually holding her.

Tamara wonders what Tori is doing right now and must be making a sad face because Elena pauses the music and taps her shoulder. Elena is looking at her funny, “You okay?” Tamara nods, “S’great song.”

Elena smiles, “Told you.”

They hear the echo of heels clicking against concrete and look up. Martha is walking towards the car and Elena tenses. Martha has only been gone for half the day but Elena is gripping the wheel tightly and watching her like she hasn’t seen the woman in years. Elena looks like she’s absolutely in love. Tamara wonders if someday, someone will look at her like that.

~

She is in that lake and everything is dark. She tries to swim to the shore but her body won’t move. She struggles and panic begins to take over. She hears a voice coming from beneath. Someone is gurgling her name. She pushes her head under the water to see who’s calling her.

Her mother is at the bottom, reaching up for her. Tamara tries to swim toward her but something keeps her in place. Another voice is calling her from the surface but she refuses to come back up. She’ll drown before she leaves her mother. A baby is crying and her mother stops reaching for her. The woman opens her mouth and in Elena’s voice she sings, “Piedra! Dejame piedra! No me deformes mas! Dejame como soy!”

The woman is not her mother. Tamara is gravely mistaken. At the bottom of the lake is herself crying out, “Que asi estoy bien! Solo estoy muy bien!” The taste of Smirnoff fills her mouth and the Tamara at the bottom of the lake sinks further into the abyss. Someone grabs her by the arms pulls her up and Tamara realizes that the lake is filled with alcohol. She is hauled on to a little boat and pulled into a tight hug. The boat is filled with flowers and the naked woman lip’s touch her ear to say, “Your skins real soft.”

She pushes the person away but hands out of the darkness reach out to pull her back into the lake.

‘Stone. Leave me as stone. Don’t deform me anymore. Leave me like this.’

But the hands of the woman grip her before she can be yanked back. They’re trying to pull her back into the lake. Tamara doesn’t want to go back! She doesn’t want to watch herself drown like that. She can’t see the woman’s face but two other naked women appear and grab Tamara before the lake tries to take her again. They tug with all their might but only succeed when Tamara finally holds onto their arms.

The safety of the boat is given back to her and the hands of the lake retreat. She’s held in gentle arms and one of them say in a Norwegian accent, “Do you want this child?”

‘So, that I’m fine. I’m just fine.’

“Let me see if she wants Tamara!” Joana calls out and Tamara jolts awake. Sweat is running down her back and neck and her legs are tangled in the sheets. Joana walks in holding Amy who crying an wailing loudly. She sets Amy to lie next to Tamara and the baby starts to calm down. Tamara gets up and the baby starts to hyperventilate again but settles when Tamara picks her up. Joana smiles but then notices Tamara’s shaken state.

“Are you okay?” Joana asks.

Tamara answers, “I’m fine.”

They can hear Elena singing in the shower. It’s the song that was in her dream.

Amy is examining Tamara’s ear piercing.

“I’m just fine.” 

~

Tamara goes back into her apartment with Joana and Amy. Joana walks into the kitchen and sees the hole in the pantry door. Tamara scratches the back of her neck, “Was drunk and hungry.” Joana nods without a word and goes to the bedroom. She looks around and seems sad, “You really want to do it alone?”

Tamara looks down, “I’ll be fine.”

“Y’know-“ Joana readjusts Amy on her hip, “-you’re always saying that.”

Tamara sighs and puts her hands in the pocket of her hoodie. Joana likes to play therapist and Tamara really isn’t in the mood for one of her little ‘sessions.’ Amy is playing with Joana’s necklace and cooing softly.

Joana leaves the room and goes to the ‘office.’ She looks around and ‘tsks.’ Tamara feels a little offended, “There’s nothing wrong with raising a kid in an apartment.” Joana looks at her and bounces Amy on her hip. There’s concern in her eyes, “I know. It’s just-“

“Just what?” Tamara crosses her arms.

“I think your moving out of that house to avoid how you actually feel.” 

“We’re done.”

Joana sighs and Tamara feels herself become angry. “Y’know-“ Joana walks past her “-you and Elena are a lot a like.” Tamara counts to 10 in her mind and looks at Joana, “How so?”

“You both avoid admitting how you actually feel and hide it with ‘I’m fines’ and anger. You’re not fine though. Not at all.” Tamara laughs as Joana brushes past her to leave the room.

Joana is definitely a lot smarter than she makes herself out to be.

Tamara lets out a deep breath, “So what should I do? Huh?”

They’re standing in what was Tamara’s living room. Joana looks back at the hole in the pantry and says, “Stop pretending everything is fine.” Tamara turns her gaze to the hole as well, “What’s your prescription then Doctor Joana?”

Joana doesn’t take offense to the sarcasm. She smiles as readjust the lace on Amy’s dress. Tamara is pretty sure that Joana actually sews the outfits herself. Joana looks up at her with sparkling eyes, “Talk to them.”

“Who?”

“Your roommates. Your friends. Whoever they are to you. Talk to them.”

Tamara shakes her head and starts walking out of the apartment. Joana skips behind her, “You miss them.”

“They don’t miss me.”

“They probably do. They were freaking out pretty hard when they thought you got hurt that day that robot appeared. That’s what Martha tells me.”

Tamara remembers them screaming her name when they thought the missile had hit her. She hasn’t really thought about it till this day though. Tamara locks it up and they walk down together. Joana starts to tell her a story, “Y’know when I woke up from the coma, Elena cried. That was the first time she cried in front of me. I thought I did something wrong, like maybe I should have just stayed asleep.” Tamara helps Joana down the stairs, she really needs to look into putting in an elevator. Tamara listens patiently as Joana continues.

“She started apologizing and making promises to marry me and it was so surreal because we didn’t even call each other girlfriends. Don’t even remember how it started actually. We were all just sleeping together at random. But here she was, asking me to move back in with them, like we were more than that.” They make it to the bottom and Tamara has lost her will to keep going. She sits on the bottom step and pats the space next to her. Joana sits down and scoots closer to her.

Would they have been friends in high school? Because Joana was the kind of friend she needed when she was by herself and angry at the world. At the universe for taking her mom.

Joana bounces Amy on her lap and keeps going, “She and Martha bought our home. They set up my room before I even agreed to move in. They drove me to every physical therapy appointment. I almost screamed because they never left me alone for a second.” Tamara smiles at the image of Elena and Martha being mother hens. 

Joana hugs Amy close, “I didn’t know how to feel about any of it and so one day I ran off and stayed in a motel room.” Tamara raises an eyebrow, “Really? You ran too?” Then wouldn’t Joana understand where Tamara is coming from?

Amy starts to fuss so Joana resumes bouncing her on her knee, “I wasn’t happy. I thought I needed to get away and I did but it couldn’t be a long term thing. I was looking for places to move into but nothing jumped up. I thought I had developed Stockholm syndrome or something because all I wanted to do was go back.” Joana chuckles.

Amy reaches out for Tamara and Joana obliges by handing her to her companion. Tamara takes her gently and does the bouncing knee for Amy too. The baby laughs wildly and it makes Tamara smile. There’s something about getting a child to laugh and smile that makes you feel really good about yourself. Joana hugs herself and Tamara realizes that the point of the story is about to come next. Joana looks into space dreamily, “Elena and Martha came knocking on my door and do you know what they told me?”

Tamara shakes her head.

Joana says, “They told me that I didn’t have to move back in with them. I didn’t have to do anything that I didn’t want to do. But if it was okay if I could have coffee with them sometime.” 

Tamara smiles, “They asked you out on a proper date.”

Joana giggles, “After all these years and then it felt like we were starting over. They started buying me flowers and we went to places like the movies and held hands.”

“All that good shit.” Tamara looks at Amy and Amy is trying to play with her hair. Joana puts her head on Tamara’s shoulder, “But I didn’t call any of them my girlfriends until they started opening up because that’s what separates your loved ones from strangers.” 

Tamara looks down at Joana who is stroking Amy’s chubby fist with her thumb. She can’t see Joana’s expression properly but still waits patiently for the woman to respond.

“Elena just broke down one day,” Joana’s other hand fidgets with her skirt, “and told me how she felt so angry because for years she thought she wasn’t good enough. She competed with everyone and pushed people away because she never wanted to feel inferior again. She was so tired of doing it and just wanted someone to tell her that she was good enough. Y’know what I told her?”

Tamara shakes her head again.

“I told her that it doesn’t matter what anyone tells her. The person who has to to convince her that she deserves to be happy was herself. She got so mad. Stayed in bed for a whole day just sulking and then…then she came to me and said…’You’re right.’ And then that’s when I started calling her my girlfriend, when she finally realized that she was good enough to have me and Martha. 

“Then Martha told me about her anxiety. This was after she had gotten her PhD. Told me she was always trying so hard to hide it. She stays calm in front of people but when we’re alone she feels more comfortable being herself. It happened to me too. I didn’t feel so weird about myself because they didn’t see me as anything but beautiful. That’s when I moved back in.”

Tamara doesn’t know what to say.

Joana comes back up and looks at Tamara, “How do your friends make you feel?”

Tamara looks at Amy who is falling asleep in her arms, “I don’t know. Sometimes, like I’m their best friend. Sometimes, like I’m a terrible person for not forgiving Tori.”

“Do you want to forgive her?” Joana strokes Amy’s cheek as the little one starts lightly snoring. Ell snores like that.

Tamara whispers, “I don’t want to be mad anymore…”

Joana puts her head back on Tamara’s shoulder, “That’s why you need to talk to them. ACTUALLY talk to them. I wasn’t sure what I wanted either. Elena used to make me feel like she hated me. I was apparently the ‘light of her life.” Tamara feels like Joana is rolling her eyes and snorts. Amy creaks open her eyes a little but closes them again and returns to the land of slumber. Tamara wants to laugh, “She’s a sap. Gets it from those novellas.”

Joana tries to hold in a giggle and nods her head.

Tamara looks down at Amy and hopes her kid will be this cute. She looks down at Joana and hopes she can love someone the way she can.

Tamara frowns when she remembers the day Tori took her to the clinic. She keeps her voice low and soft, “What if I can’t talk to them? What if I was right and they really don’t care?”

She feels Joana’s hand move to her stomach and give it a gentle pat, “Then you still have them. That’s enough love to keep you going forever. Trust me.” Tamara wants to believe that but her dad killed himself. Tamara wishes she could hope like Joana does, but when you’ve watched your mother die and the police fish your dad out of the lake where she was shot, it’s not the easiest thing to do.

Joana doesn’t know about Tamara’s past. It’s best not to tell her, Tamara decides. For now she’ll try it Joana’s way. But she doesn’t have to call them right now right? Right now all she wants to do is hold Amy and be close to Joana. Right now all she wants is to exist in this present moment. Not her past or the uncertain future. 

~  
The doctors appointment is in two days. Tamara is in the kitchen drinking a glass of milk with a few cookies. It’s the middle of the night and she’s having trouble sleeping. She doesn’t want to see them in her dreams again. They’re always naked and they’re always kind and Tamara can always taste the alcohol. She can feel the hands on her even after she wakes up. Not the hands from the darkness.

Their hands.

She hears someone shuffle around the living room before walking into the kitchen. Martha is in a pair of jeans and a tank top. This is actually rather unusual to see. Martha always dresses nicely. Her hair is disheveled and she looks a little nervous. Tamara slides the plate of cookies to her, “Panic attack?”

Martha sits down and accepts the offering, “No. Bad Dream. Who told you I got those?” She speaks in short choppy sentences. Tamara shrugs, “Joana told me after I had one myself.” Martha looks a little distraught by the fact that Tamara now knows this, so Tamara puts a hand on her shoulder, “We’re like sisters now.”

Martha laughs a little and Tamara gets up to go get her some milk. “Actually-“ Martha stops her “-I feel like going for a walk.” Tamara nods and goes to get her shoes. She tip toes around quietly and sees that the door to the main bedroom is open. She peaks in and Joana and Elena are asleep, facing each other, with Amy in between them. She comes back and Martha is already out the door, waiting outside.

They walk around the neighborhood. Martha doesn’t talk the whole time. Tamara doesn’t try to push it. Something is clearly bothering the woman but Tamara knows that in situations like this, it’s best to let the person be ready to talk. The neighborhood is quiet and it feels less scary when you’re walking this late when you’re not alone.

Reality feels somewhat augmented at this time. They end up going to the park and walking around the little lake. The way the stars reflect off the water reminds Tamara of the camping trips she used to go on with her parents. They’d sit on the shore together and just watch the water in mediation. Tamara really wants to stop thinking about them.

They go to the playground that Amy is still too little to play in and sit on the swings. Tamara used to do this with Ell sometimes. Ell would sneak out and Tamara would be waiting outside her house in the bushes. They’d walk around the dark streets and go goof off in the empty park that their parents used to bring them too. Tamara really doesn’t want to think about her right now.

They sit in silence and rock themselves gently. Tamara decides to finally ask her, “What was the dream about?”

Martha looks at her and seems confused, “What dream?”

“You said you had a bad dream.”

Martha looks down at the ground and it seems like she looks ashamed of something. Tamara waits patiently until Martha finally responds, “I did have a panic attack.” Tamara cocks her head and tries to look at her companion’s face better. Martha’s eyes look like they're searching for something in the sand. “It’s okay to have those,” Tamara says but Martha shakes her head.

“I didn’t have it for a good reason…” Martha seems to be recalling said reason in her mind. Her brows knitting together and her grip tightening on the swing seat’s chains. “Being in a relationship like this-“ Martha’s voice is low and sounds tired “-it’s hard.” 

“You guys seem to be doing okay though. You got Amy-“

“They made Amy. I didn’t do anything.” Martha cuts her off and Tamara stays silent.

“When I met them, I could tell they already had something going on. I feel like I’m just…there. It wouldn’t matter if I left.” Martha hugs herself. How many times has she herself run off into this park by herself? How often does she panic over things like this?

“I woke up” Martha takes a deep breath before exhaling, “and I looked down at them and it occurred to me that…they don’t need me. I’m an anxious mess and they’ve got their own problems. They’re so perfect for each other. Elena defends her and Joana keep her calm. Like yin and yang. What do I give them? I couldn't even offer to have Amy because the thought of pregnancy scares me. I’m not jealous of them…I’m jealous of what they have. They’re on a separate plane. I just sort of walked in and now I feel like they’re with me out of habit. I get so scared that one day they’ll realize this and start to get tired of me…I don’t want that to happen. I love them.”

Tamara laughs and Martha whips her head to look at her. Tamara shakes her head, “You should see the way they look at you.” Tamara can’t stop laughing and Martha goes from offended to confused. Tamara looks at her with a smile, “They’re absolutely in love with you and you can’t see that?” Martha’s lips go into a tight line and Tamara continues, “Elena’s not patient for shit. She wouldn’t have the time for a habit. Joana talks about you like you’re some kind of goddess. Did you want Amy?”

Martha nods her head. Tamara lets out deep exhale, “Then what does it matter who had her? It sounds like they love you enough to have respected a legitimate fear you had. Being pregnant is actually pretty scary, I get it and I’m pretty sure they do to. Elena having Amy sounds like it was done out of love for the BOTH of you not because someone HAD to have her. She also wouldn’t have married you if she wasn’t head over heels in love you. I’m surprised they both haven’t written a song yet, they won’t ever shut up about you!”

Martha’s eyes go wide and it makes Tamara laugh harder. She can’t believe that Martha is acting so shocked to hear all that. It’s plainly obvious the way Elena practically drools over her and Joana goes giddy whenever Martha walks into the room. She wipes a tear from her eye and concludes, “You gotta stop putting yourself down. Let yourself be happy!”

“You’re one to talk,” Martha quips and Tamara stops laughing, “What do you mean?”

“You spend the whole day sulking and refusing to talk about your friends. We ask you what’s the matter and all you can reply with is that you’re fine. You’re not fine.” Martha is studying Tamara and doesn’t seem to bothered by the angry look that crosses the brunette’s face.

“You have no idea what I’ve been through,” Tamara looks at the ground.

“You’re right I don’t.” Martha takes to swinging a little harder. “But I know this-“ She lifts her feet and allows the momentum she’s built to rock her “-it makes you sad all the time and it’s the reason you run away from things.”

“I don’t run away from things,” Tamara denies. Martha looks out towards the lake, “Then why have you been staying with us?”

“I can leave. Just be honest. I’ll leave if you want me to!” Tamara feels shitty for snapping at her but Martha keeps looking out into the lake, unaffected by Tamara’s outburst. Tamara feels her face heat up. Martha confirms, “See…I just confronted you and your solution was to leave. I know it’s hard to hear. I didn’t like it when Joana told me to stop faking my placid demeanor and just admit that I had an anxiety problem.”

“She said that because she loved you. Still does. Like crazy.”

“And who loves you Tamara?”

“No one.”

Martha rolls her eyes, “There you go again. Self-deprecation isn’t a good coping method. Joana would disagree with you. I think if Amy could talk, she’d disagree as well…How long are you going to stop letting people care about you? I bet those girls love you very much.”

Tamara doesn’t say anything. She feels the anger leave and wonders if Matilda is at work right now.

Martha sighs and pulls out her pinky, “How about we make a deal.”

Tamara looks up as Martha elaborates, “ I’ll try to stop questioning that Joana and Elena really do love me if you stop feeling sorry for yourself and start looking for things to be happy about.”

“They DO love you dumbass.”

“And there’s plenty of things worth looking forward to.”

Tamara wraps her pinky around the other’s and for 5 seconds they hold it like that. They remain swinging in peaceful silence for a while longer. When it starts to become colder, Tamara offers her hand and pulls the other woman up before they make the journey back home. For some reason, Tamara actually feels a little hopeful. For what? She doesn’t know. But she feels like something good is going to happen and maybe Martha is right. Maybe she should stop focusing on all the bad. Because good things are coming right? Martha didn’t think she could have both Elena and Joana but here they are. Under one roof with a baby girl and matching rings on their fingers.

When they arrive home, they see that the living room light is on. Martha sighs, “Amy woke up.” They enter the house and both of Martha’s wives are attempting to soothe their distraught daughter. Amy is wailing loudly and reaching out for Martha who takes her and holds her close. She makes little cooing noises and Amy finally calms down. The little infant sucks on her fingers and presses herself against her mother as the blonde woman sways and kisses the baby’s head. Joana keeps her voice soft, “Where were you? We woke up and neither of you were here.” Elena wraps her arms around Martha and presses kisses to her shoulders, “Was it another bad dream?”

Martha smiles and nods. Elena pulls her back to the bedroom and Tamara turns off the lights. From her room, she can hear them murmuring softly until it finally quiets signaling that they’ve fallen asleep.

Tamara wonders if she’ll ever have people worry over her like that and then remembers what Martha said, ‘Stop feeling sorry for yourself.’ Tamara tells herself that one day she will and she’s worthy of it.

For some reason, Ell and the others pop into her mind and she tell herself to stop being silly.

~

Someone has begun to yell and the door to the room Tamara is staying in bursts open. The light from the window tells Tamara that she managed to sleep last night without having any weird dreams. Joana is breathless and in a frenzy, “She’s gonna kill her!” Tamara is instantly up, and although confused, she runs after Joana who takes her outside. Tamara would be laughing if she actually didn’t care about Tori but she does. Elena has the Norwegian woman in a chokehold and Joana is screaming at her to stop. 

Elena shouts, “THIS IS THE BITCH THAT ALMOST KILLED YOU!” and Joana screams back, “I HAVE EYES ELENA! I CAN SEE THAT! STOP!”

Ell is attempting to put Elena in her own chokehold but the Hispanic woman is hellbent on murdering the girl in her arms. A crowd of neighbors have appeared to watch the altercation and a hyperventilating Martha yells, “ELENA YOU’RE GONNA GET ARRESTED! AGAIN!” Amy is crying in Martha’s arms. 

Tamara has had enough.

“Elena! Stop that!” She shouts and Elena drops the girl to the floor. She leans down so that her face is barely an inch from Tori and hisses, “You’re not worth murdering. I ain’t going to jail for you. I got two bangin’ wives and a daughter and I’m not gonna screw that up.” Elena pulls herself away and Ell puts her fists up, not caring that Elena still has her super strength from the nuclear explosion.

Elena rolls her eyes and then points a finger to Tamara. “Your turn,” She tells the brunette before pulling Martha away and gently pushing her wives back into the house. The door shuts but Tamara knows well that all three women are peaking through the window to see what happens. They’re naturally nosy.

Tori is trying to regain her breath and Ell offers her hands to pull the gasping woman up. Tamara sniffs and kicks at the ground, “What are you guys doing here?”

When Tori seems to be breathing okay, Ell leaves her to walk towards Tamara, “We need to talk.”

“I said I was moving out…who told you where I was?” Tamara looks to the window and sees Joana giving her a sheepish grin. Of course.

Ell pulls her into a hug but Tamara pushes her away. “Look-“ Tamara is glad that the neighbors are all starting go back home, “-I have a kid to worry about and myself. I can’t be in a place with someone who doesn’t like me-“

“But I do!” Tori says, eyeing the front door wearily before stepping closer.

“I have to move out! I can’t deal with anything else right now-“ Tamara feels her heart racing.

“That’s fine!” Ell interrupts, “We just-“

Matilda comes running down the street with a bat, “TORI I’M COMING!” but stops when she sees that Elena is gone. “Where’d she go?” Matilda asks but loses interest when she sees Tamara. Her eyes light up and she gleefully runs toward the brunette to pull her into a hug, “We missed you!”

Tamara pushes her away too and feels like running again, “I love you guys but it’s obvious that I can’t be under the same roof with yo-“

“That’s fine!” Ell interrupts again but Tamara doesn’t feel like she’s being understood. Ell is starting to become frantic, “You-you don’t have to move back in! You can do whatever you want! Whatever make you happy! I’ll accept it! 

“WE’LL accept it!” Matilda adds.

Tamara is shaking, “Then WHY are you HERE?”

Ell is stumbling over her words, “We want- I just- Tori she- Matilda- oh god this is hard….”

Tamara feels herself become annoyed and pinches the bridge of her nose. She doesn’t want to deal with this right now. She turns to the window and mouths to Martha, “I’m sorry.” She shakes her head and starts to walk away. Ell’s voice is coming out panicked, “wait!” Matilda and Tori look like they don’t know what to do.

Elena pops out of the door and Tori scrambles behind Matilda who raises the bat in defense. Elena shouts, “FIGHT FOR HER PUTA!” and at first Tamara thinks it’s directed at her but is proven wrong when Ell shouts, “WE WANT TO TAKE YOU OUT TO SEE A MOVIE!”


	7. Taking a Step Back to Realize It's All in Your Mind

After Tamara left, the silence was unbearable. Ell wanted to sink into the ground. Ell wanted the roof to tear open and gravity to fail, the vacuum of space to suck her up and carry her away. Ell wanted Tamara to come back so she could tell her how she felt. Matilda didn’t cry and Tori didn’t start yelling and throwing furniture like she usually would. They heard a car speed off and Tori got up to go look out the window.

“Who was that?” Tori muttered to know one in particular.

Sure, Tamara has other circles of friends but…they just had always thought they were her main group. Ell wondered if it was the guy that got Tamara pregnant and felt herself start to panic a little. What if they found out about the child and asked Tamara to marry them? What if Tamara said yes? What if they never come back and Ell never sees her again?

Ell began to hyperventilate a little and shot up off the couch to get a cola. The other two remained in the living room. She sat in the kitchen in anxiety, taking huge gulps of soda to give her something to do, not really tasting it. She couldn’t avoid it forever though. She had to confront reality. She cheated on her girlfriend of more than 8 years. She fell in love with Tori in college. She was so charming and brilliant. They were total opposites: Tori being serious and deadly and Ell who cracked jokes, left and right, and hugged everyone. But somehow it worked. From there it was a series of low-key, off and on, relationships. It was easier to be together during college because they didn’t all live together yet. It was easier to hide it. Tori would come to her dorm and they’d spend the night together. Playing video games, drawing each other, or occupying their hands in more intimate ways. Tori was her first.

The only thing they had to watch out for was Tamara’s unannounced mid-night visits. She’d hear a tap on her window and Tori would run to hide in her closet…like something to be ashamed of. Why was it so important that they hide their relationship? Tori later told her that they needed to or else Ell could have been used as something against her. Tori had been planning that robot this whole time but she swears that she really does love Ell…did. Can you really love someone after they’ve cheated on you?

She’s always had a soft spot for Matilda though. Matilda was always up for adventure and they did girly things like paint each other’s nails and collect neat looking bugs. She didn’t even know she was falling for the ginger until the day Tamara had run out after punching Tori. Matilda was so worried and scared that something had happened to Tamara. They searched through out the whole neighborhood until they realized that Tamara must have gone farther than that.

They got in Tori’s car and spent the rest of the night looking for her. They searched down town. They searched their local park. They even went to Tamara’s apartment complex. They didn’t knock on any doors because it was really late, instead they went up to her old apartment. Their friend has a thing for seeking comfort in the familiar. She wouldn’t go to any of her tenants since she kept the relationships strictly business. Matilda pulled out the spare key that Tamara hid in a tear in the wallpaper; right above the doorframe. Ell’s heart broke when they were proven wrong. She wasn’t in her empty apartment.

They searched each room and closet but it seemed as though Tamara hadn’t been there in a long time. They heard Matilda snort and went to the kitchen to see the hole in the pantry door. Matilda broke out into laughter, “Remember when she thought it was locked?” Ell smiles, “There wasn’t even any actual lock on it. She just went for it.” Matilda’s laughs turn into gasps, “And we found her naked on the floor hugging that box of donuts!” Tori tried to imagine the scene and could actually see it. It sounded exactly like something their Tamara would do.

That gasping laughter had become sobbing and Matilda sank to the floor in tears. Ell immediately dropped to hold her and Matilda clutched onto her for dear life. When she had calmed down, they locked the place up and went back home, driving slowly incase she walked by.

It was nearly morning when they got home and Tori offered to keep looking around while Ell tried to console Matilda. The poor red-head was really worried that something had happened to Tamara. Ell tried to tell her that Tamara could handle herself but Matilda couldn’t stop crying. Tori left and they both remained on the couch. Ell held her close and told Matilda stories about when they were little and it helped for a little while. When the tears had slowed, Matilda tried to wipe her face but become disgusted with the amount of mascara that had dripped off. Ell softly giggled and brought her own sleeves up to help clean her friend’s face. She ended up using her thumbs to gently wipe at the skin of Matilda’s eyes. Ell had never noticed the way Matilda’s eyes were so clear or the way that the freckles were dusted across her skin like stars across a sky.

Without even thinking or some kind of transition, Ell moved forward to press her lips against Matilda’s. It didn’t register in her mind that she was doing something potentially harmful, even when Matilda kissed her back and their arms wrapped around each other. It didn’t feel wrong until they heard Tamara say, “You’ve got to be fucking joking.”

Then it all came crashing down. Ell was in a relationship with Tori. A hidden one but it was still a real one none the less. Matilda had never expressed an interest in other women. When they both turned to see Tamara, looking like she was going to run again, it occurred to Ell that she never got over Tamara. Not even by a little. She’d never seen the other woman so…vulnerable. Some sort of protective instinct had kicked in. One that was deep-rooted from years of being ignored. Ell ran to her and tried to embrace her and couldn’t stop herself from kissing as much skin as she could. She never wanted to take Tamara for granted again but the other pushed her off. She realized that Tamara probably did not feel the same way at all.

After that, it was a runaway train that Ell could have stopped. Should have stopped. She should have talked to Matilda. She should have opened up about her relationship with Tori. Should have told Matilda the truth. Should have asked Tamara what to do and if there was any route she could take where she could have all three of them. Could she have that? Would it work?

Ell proceeded to repeat the cycle of gulping down soda and staring off into space. What could she have possibly done to have made this turn out better? The conclusion she came to was that any other direction but the one she actually took would have been more suitable. She got through half the can before Tori walked in and sat on the opposite side of the table. Like she was trying to distance herself from the other. Ell almost cried. She really fucked up. She thought she was about to lose not only her girlfriend but as well as her best friend AND the woman she’d been unconsciously pining after for years. Since childhood probably.

Ell couldn't look at Tori. She felt so ashamed. What made her think she could go on like that? In love with not only two but three woman?

“Can you stop feeling sorry for yourself for 5 minutes and look at me?” Tori’s voice was sharp and removed of any of its usual playfulness. Ell looked up to see Tori tapping her red nails against the table top. There was a wide-eyed, expressionless look on her face that made Ell a bit nervous. Tori narrowed her eyes, “How long?” Ell looked down and answered, “Since that day Tamara punched you and ran off.”

Tori closed her eyes and remembered that day. Something was off between the two. She should have asked but she didn’t want to know. There WAS something but she just didn’t want to know. They were side-eyeing each other and going out more often. They insisted that Tori spend time with Tamara….she kissed Tamara at the arcade.

Should she tell her? Ell wasn’t being honest. But even before Tori found out about Ell and Matilda, she still kissed Tamara. She could easily say that Tamara was the one that initiated it but Tori was the one that kept it going. She can’t sit here and be mad when she’s been thinking about Tamara non-stop for a year. She loves Ell but she still allowed herself to grow obsessed with their other roommate. Tori thinks about the way she’d been acting for the past couple of weeks and realized that none of that could be perceived as appropriate. Ell was having a relationship behind her back for more than two weeks but Tori wanted something with Tamara for much longer. She should tell her.

“Ell…there’s something I need to tell you.” Ell looked back up at her and expected the worst. She thought Tori would tell her that they needed to break up. That Tori would also leave and never come back. She didn’t expect Tori to say what she said next at all.

Tori sounded a little nervous and she avoided Ell’s gaze, “I took Tamara to the arcade today.” Ell waited patiently for Tori to continue. Tori swallowed the lump in her throat and finished, “I kissed her.”

Everything remained silent for a minute but then Ell burst out laughing. It wasn’t because the situation was funny. Tori had only seen Ell do this once during a final exams week that was going terribly, terribly wrong. Tears had sprung from Ell’s eyes as the laughter alternated between gasping and sobbing. Ell was having a mental break down. Tori immediately got up to try and help her but Ell put her hands up, signaling the other to keep away. It got worse and worse until Ell was on the floor unable to breathe. Tori grabbed her and carried her to her bedroom. Matilda was watching with concern from the couch.

Tori set her girlfriend down onto the bed and the laughter finally stopped and became full blown crying. This is what happens to Ell when she can’t process things. When things are beyond a grey area and into a wheel of every color in the spectrum. Ell can’t be mad at Tori. She could never be mad at Tori and that was her problem. There was a conflict in Ell’s brain between the sadness that she wasn’t enough for Tori and the jealousy that Tamara was kissed by someone else. It made no sense so Ell’s brain decided it was best to close up shop completely and just focus on keeping her heart and organs in working order. All that she could do was cry and all Tori could do was let her.

Tori tucked her in, left a box of tissues, and shut the door to give her girlfriend some privacy. She walked back to the living room and sat next to Matilda. She can’t be mad at Matilda either. The poor girl didn’t know. Matilda’s eyes switched from the door to Tori until she finally asked, “Will she be okay?”

“Remember when she had that class on economics?” Tori waited for Matilda to say yes but instead the girl said, “No.” And then Tori remembered and slapped her forehead. Matilda wiped her memory AFTER they graduated. All that was left was nursing and breathing. Tori didn’t feel like telling Matilda any stories so she merely said, “She will be fine.”

Even though Tori couldn’t promise that.

~  
Tori kept calling Tamara but the girl refused to answer. Anger welled at the sight of Matilda waiting patiently by the door and Ell sobbing uncontrollably. Two hours and Tamara still did not respond. Tori decided to leave a voice message on impulse, screaming into the phone, “ANSWER THE PHONE TAMARA! MATILDA THINKS YOU ARE DEAD AND ELL WILL NOT STOP CRYING! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU!?!” 

She slammed the phone shut and let out an aggravated sigh. She called again but afterward decided to end the cycle by sending a text message:

To: DICKHEAD

Please come back.

She threw the phone onto the love seat and curled up. This wasn’t happening. Ell wasn’t having another breakdown and they didn’t cheat on each other…but they did. And Tamara left, unable to handle it. No one could blame her. Especially when Tori tried to involve her.

Matilda saw the frustration in Tori’s face and body language and slid closer. She put an arm around Tori’s shoulder and pulled her close. “She’ll be back. She always comes back to us,” Matilda tried to console her but it didn’t work. Tamara did always come back but it wouldn’t last. No one could ground her to one place. Tori used to respect that, in a way, until she realized it wasn’t due to a lax attitude; It was caused by fear and avoidance. Tamara has issues.

Matilda smelled of florals and Tori wondered why she put on perfume everyday. Was there someone she was seeing? For some reason, a stream of jealousy began to trickle through Tori at the thought of Matilda trying to get someone’s attention. Like the thought of Tamara being with the guy that got her pregnant. Matilda dressed nicely everyday, wore heels, did her make up, but why? For who? Ell? But even before their relationship she just did that.

Tori uncurled herself to look at the red-head. Even if she had just been two-timed, Matilda still smiled like everything was okay. Tori narrowed her eyes, “Why do you dress so nicely everyday? You put on that perfume too, even when we don’t go out? Why?” Matilda shrugged her shoulders, “I just like it. I do it for me. No real reason.” Tori didn’t understand why she felt relief.

A moan of agony is heard through out the house. Tori screwed her eyes shut. She couldn’t stand not being able to help her lover. She wanted so badly to tell Ell that this was just a bad dream and their precious Tamara was back and Matilda isn’t dressing like that for someone else. She doesn’t know why but the thought of Ell with Matilda isn’t as angering as it should be.

The cheating in general made her angry but not that it was with Matilda. There is almost a sense of comfort that at least it was Matilda and not someone she didn’t know. That’s fucked up. Tori thought she might be fucked up. How bad did the army mess her up? Matilda is wearing high-waisted shorts and a cropped sweater. The freckles are all over her legs and there was a little bruise on her inner thigh.

Tori reached a hand out to gently press it, “What happened here?” Matilda blushed and shut her legs. It was a hickey. Ell didn’t have some kind of rule about leaving marks with Matilda the way Tori had one with Ell. Tori never let her leave any evidence of their relationship. Maybe Ell was getting tired of it. Was Ell going to leave Tori for Matilda? Would Tamara have then wanted her? If Ell had dumped her and left her heart broken, would Tamara comfort her? Why do these thoughts make Tori jealous and sick?

A loud wail felt like it shook the house and Tori realized there was nothing she could do. Tori looked up at Matilda who’s peering down the hall with concern. “Why don’t-“ Tori gently took Matilda’s arm, “-You and me runs some errands?” Matilda looked at her with some hesitation, “What about Ell? We can’t leave her-“

“She wants to be alone. Trust me,” Tori affirms. Should others trust her again? She just broke Ell’s trust but at the same time Ell broke her’s. Matilda stood up and pulled the shorts back down. It failed to hide the mark and the hickey became visible again. Tori shivered and realized that she’s fucked up.  
~  
Tori left a can of cola on Ell’s night stand and let the woman nap in peace. They got into Tori’s car and for the first time, everything was filled with awkward silence. Matilda is usually so talkative but remained silent during the whole trip. At the grocery store, Matilda pushed the cart and Tori threw what they needed into it. Mainly the essentials but then she remembered that Matilda’s favorite cereal was running out. She grabbed a box and then turned to her companion. Pointing at the box she asked nervously, “You…like this one…right?” Matilda was surprised that Tori even knew that Matilda had a favorite. Tori never touched the cereal, much less any of Matilda’s sugary choices. Matilda nodded and asked, “How’d you know?”

Tori kept her gaze on the white floor, “I see you eating it all the time.” Matilda gave one last quick nod before Tori tossed it in the cart and moved on. Tori was about to grab the powered donuts but then froze. They are Tamara’s favorite snack. Everyone loves them but Tamara had a thing for them. She became so inebriated once that she punched a hole through a wooden pantry door to get to them, so they had to be her favorite right?

“Should-“ Tori shows Matilda the box, “-Should I get these?” Matilda looked at the box without expression before she said, “She’ll be back. She always comes back.” Tori didn’t comment on this and placed the box in the cart. They payed for the items and left. The ride back was just as silent as the way there. Matilda wanted to say something. Wanted to ask Tori if she was doing okay. Tori hated expressing emotions but that shouldn’t stop Matilda from trying right? She didn’t though. The words clung to her throat. She’s supposed to be the positive one. How do you make any of this positive though. She can only assure that Tamara will come back.

But even then, she can not assure that Tamara will stay.

When they got back, Ell was in the tub with a bottle of Smirnoff and tears pouring down her face. Ell was never taught how to handle things in a healthy manner. None of them were. Maybe that’s why they all stayed with each other this long. Tamara drank her anxiety into submission and Tori had attempted to rule the world because she couldn’t stand its current state. Ell had mental breaks and avoided subjects and Tori has always suspected that Matilda wiping her memory wasn’t an accident.

Or maybe Matilda was actually the only one who knew how to process things. Tori was proven wrong though when she witnessed said woman crawl into the tub with Ell and take a swig from the bottle herself. There wasn’t enough room in the tub and so Tori sat on the floor outside of it, facing the door. Half hoping that Tamara would appear. The bottle was passed to her, by who knows, and she look a huge gulp. That bottle emptied and Tori left to get them another. Soon they were drunk and in tears. It felt like Tamara was right there with them and that’s fucked up.

Tamara’s presence being brought forth by drunken sadness is fucked up.

They all feel like they fucked up.

~  
Thank the lord for giving Matilda a person like Tamara. Matilda is the kind of drunk that goes to sleep and that’s dangerous. Tamara was always there to take her home when that happened. Tamara fought of all the disgusting creeps that would try to get Matilda in this state and kept the woman safe and sound until morning. 

Matilda woke up with Tori cradled in her arms and Ell face down in the carpet. They were in Tamara’s bed. The assumption was that nothing happened because they still had their clothes on but she’s holding onto Tori in an extremely intimate manner. It felt nice. There’s something about hugging a smaller person that’s a bit satisfying. Tori face was pushed into her chest and she was the definition of comfortable. She could tell Ell was awake when she heard the muffled moans coming from the floor. They started soft but then grew in effort. Matilda’s head hurt and the racket Ell was making was not helping.

Matilda made shushing noises but still Ell would not stop. Matilda got up and cursed as she nearly blacked out from the sudden movement. Tori tried to unconsciously reach for her again but Matilda gently pushed a pillow into her arms and Tori was satisfied with that. She stepped carefully around the groaning woman and made her way to the kitchen. On the fridge was a little post-it that Tamara had written her hang-over cure on, in case the others needed it. Tamara always tried to think of everything.

She pulled out the blender and made three cups worth of the stuff. She downed her’s as fast as possible. Like Tamara would have her do. It made her shake violently and she hoped that she made it right. She picked up the other glasses and went back into the room. Ell’s moaning had become louder and the pillow that Tori was given was covering the Norwegian woman’s head in an attempt to block out the sound. 

She gently rubbed Tori’s arm to get her attention and the pillow was thrown off. Tori took the glass from Matilda’s hands and downed the liquid just as fast. Next was Ell but when Matilda kneeled down to give it to her, Ell slapped it out of her hands spilling it everywhere. Matilda took a deep breath and rubbed her temples. She wasn’t in the mood to be angry and so she left to go be alone in the living room. She pulled out her phone and sent Tamara a message:

To: Tammy

I tried to make that stuff that makes the hangover go away.

She called another two times but it went straight to voicemail on both accounts. She must have turned off her phone. Upon further inspection, she had called Tamara at least 30 times in her drunken state. What kind of messages had she left? She hoped none of them were too embarrassing. She turned on the TV and kept it to a low volume. Matilda lay down on her side and wondered where Tamara was. Was she safe? Had she eaten? Did her feet hurt? Who was that in the car? Was it the one who got her pregnant?

Matilda doesn’t want them in either Tamara’s or the baby’s life. She felt selfish for wanting that but it’s true. A sense of possessiveness had been recently taking over her. She loved Ell but never stopped to think about the way she’d been trying to get closer to Tamara. She wanted to go to all the doctor’s appointments and apartment visits with her. She wanted Tamara to come to her for advice and not whoever the hell she was going to. Was it the one who got her pregnant? Matilda hopes Tori will take the hint and shove whoever the fucker is in a hole.

‘What a strange thing to think…’ Matilda had thought to herself. Yes, she’d wish ill will on other’s before but not for something like wanting to keep someone all to herself. She wouldn’t mind sharing Tamara with Tori and Ell but with anyone else is out of the question. What a strange desire to have. She had the same thought process with Ell. She didn’t want Ell to look at anyone else but her…which is why it’s so weird that couldn’t manage to be angry at Tori.

She liked Tori. Tori and her had become close and they did stuff friends do together even without the others. Like shopping, exercising, and moving in together to make Ell and Tamara jealous…it then occurs to Matilda that that is a very strange way to go about things. It didn’t bother her that Tamara was going to be moving in with Ell at all. It still didn’t bother her after the move was over and everything had settled for a bit. What bothered Matilda was Tamara seeing other people that Matilda didn’t know.

Tori walked in groggily and sat in the love seat. They both stared at the TV screen in blank terror. Matilda realized that she’d been jealous of whoever got Tamara pregnant and whoever Tamara had been going to see.

Her phone rang.

Matilda snatched the device from the coffee table and Tori jumped at the sudden movement. Please be Tamara. Please be Tamara. Please be Tamara!

From: Unknown

Hey Matty! I know we haven’t texted in a while but Tamara is safe with us. She’s gonna stay here for a while. I don’t know what happened yet but it’s best if she just cools off for a bit. I hope everything works out! <3

This is Joana incase you lost my number :)

Matilda stared at her phone and Tori watched as panic took over and Matilda screamed, “GHOSTS ARE REAL!” Tori grabbed the phone and saw who it was from.”Who is Joana?” Tori asked and Matilda explained, “She was our neighbor! She got hit with a missile! She’s DEAD!” Matilda curled up in a ball and Tori read over the message again. Tamara is safe. She let out a sigh of relief. Ah yes! That was the girl that Tori thought was Tamara for a moment after the fire cleared. And then she heard, “HEY SUNSHINE LOLLIPOPS! LOOK OUT!” and a harpoon with a rope attached plunged into the metal of the bot.

So she survived? That’s great…and….Tamara is with her. The dam broke and that stream of jealously became a raging river. Tamara had sought safety in another person. Not her main group of friends. Are they even the main group? They may not even be Tamara’s main circle of friends. Tori huffed and gave the phone back to Matilda. Ell’s wailing had gotten loud enough to reach the living room, assailing everyone else’s ears. Tori thought to herself ‘At least Tamara is safe.’

But the river pooled into a lake that felt like it was becoming an ocean.  
~  
She and Matilda tried to talk about their relationship with Ell and agreed that she is a wonderful person who wore her heart on her sleeve. They also agreed that Ell had a terrible way of handling anything. Ell had gone back to whimpering in her bed while Matilda and Tori stayed in their own room. Tori sat in her desk chair while Matilda lay on her bed facing her. Matilda liked rooming with Tori. They had some disagreements at first but once they found a respectable place for Matilda’s toy collection, everything went smoothly.

Matilda asked Tori how long had she been seeing Ell. Tori answered, “Since college.” Matilda frowns, “So, I’m the other woman then.” Tori rolled her chair as hard as she could to Matilda’s bed and threw herself onto the ginger. She crawled up and lay down next to her sad friend and said, “No. You’re second to no one Matilda. There is no OTHER woman. She loves us both but she doesn’t know how to handle it.” Matilda’s hand came up to stroke the scarred part of Tori’s face.

“You know what?” Matilda asked.

“What?” Tori usually flinches when ever someone touches the mangled flesh.

“I think I quite like your scars. Makes you look like a bad ass,” Matilda smiled.

Tori let out a breathy laugh and said, “I AM bad ass.”

Matilda bit her lip and nodded enthusiastically. 

It was the first time someone didn’t avoid the subject of her scars.  
~

Ell’s brain began to work again but in baby steps. She tried to focus on one thing at a time. She cheated on Tori. Okay. Don’t think about anything else. The addition of anything else would send her back into a fit. Ell decided to first issue an apology. She rolled out of her bed and landed on the floor with a thud. The blanket still remained wrapped around her as she crawled on her hands and knees slowly toward Tori’s room.

Matilda heard the shuffling first and looked up from her bed. A comforter seemed to have gained consciousness and began to move about. The fabric moaned and Matilda realized it was Ell heading toward Tori’s bed. Said woman watched from her place next to Matilda as Ell inched around blindly, occasionally bumping against the side of her bed. This lasted for a full blown 10 minutes until Ell found the edge of Tori’s bed and grabbed it. Like some slow-moving animal, Ell pulled herself onto the mattress and curled up on her side.

This was good. This was progress. Now the next step was to remove the blanket and tell Tori she was sorry. Ell looked for an opening in the blanket but couldn’t find it. It didn’t feel like Tori was on the bed either. She gave up and remained curled up in the blanket. The fabric at her back began to press against her and Ell realized that someone was now lying on top of her. Matilda had come up from her bed to lie on top of Ell.

“You feeling better, love?” Matilda asked but Ell only groaned. “What is it sweetheart? Use your words,” Matilda tried to coax a coherent response but whatever Ell gave was distorted by the fabric. Matilda pressed her ear against the blanket, “One more time,” she requested. Another muffled noise came from the blanket and Matilda nodded before translating, “She says she’s ‘sorry’ and to ‘please not be mad anymore.” Tori got up to also press herself against the two women and sighed, “I’m not mad Ell…I’m just…hurt…” Matilda felt guilty knowing that she had come between the two of them but Tori put a hand on her knee and smiled. 

Ell said something but it remained muffled. Matilda pressed her ear a little closer to the blanket cocoon, “What was that?” The blanket did not respond and with Tori’s help, they searched for an opening until the found one and tugged it. Ell looked liked a complete mess: Hair coming out of her pony tail and cheeks red and splotchy from crying. In a creaky voice the girl said, “I’m sorry…” Tori reached out to pull the tie out of Ell’s hair, “I know.” She ran her hands through the soft, brown strands until they finally smoothed.

Okay. That takes care of that. She apologized now. Everything should be fine. Right? 

“But…” Tori continued “…I’m still gonna need some time. I cheated too, remember?” Ell gripped the blanket to keep herself tethered to reality. She had to hear Tori out. She didn’t want to shut down again. Tori’s breath became shaky and she fought back the tears, letting it lump in her throat. “I’m sorry…” Tori said and kept her eyes on her finger nails; There was a chip in the polish of her forefinger. Ell shook her head but Tori knew better, “It may have been a kiss but…I wanted her for while, Ell. That is a form of cheating. I almost made it happen too.That’s just as bad.” Ell bit her lip and squeezed her eyes shut. The tears poured again. She dug her face into the sheet and started to whimper. If that’s all Tori had done then Ell is guilty of two things: Being with Matilda and wanting Tamara just as bad.

“I think we need…to take a break…” Tori doesn’t want to leave Ell but the brunette heard differently. Ell believed that it was over between them. Once and for all. You don’t just keep going after you fuck up that bad.

Her brain didn’t shut down but the emotional turmoil returned and Ell became a sobbing mess again. Tori held her close on one side and Matilda held her on the other. It wasn’t okay. It wasn’t fine! 

Ell began to bawl uncontrollably, saying “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” over and over again. And All Tori could say was, “I know.”

~  
The rest day was spent moping around. They managed to get Ell to shower but she remained in her state of depression for most of the time. Tori decided that she and Matilda needed to have a conversation. She found Matilda in Tamara’s bed hugging the stuffed lamb and watching Ell stare blankly at the ceiling. Tori gestured for her to follow her. Matilda left the little lamb on the bed and they went to sit outside on the steps. It was a nice day.

“Ell is not going to make a decision,” Tori knew this for a fact. Matilda nodded her head and hugged her knees to her chest. She adds, “And we can’t force her to…” They kept their eyes on the clouds that passed by. Tori cleared her throat, “What should we do?” Tori didn’t want to say it. One of them had to break up with her…or both! They couldn’t dance around the issue any longer. She did not expect Matilda to say, “Why can’t we both date her?”

Tori looked at Matilda and felt sympathy, “It isn’t healthy Matilda.” The red-head actually looked offended and her freckled hands balled into fists.

“Who says?” There was something in Matilda’s eyes that Tori couldn’t find a word for. “Who says we both can’t date her? If we both love her and she loves us then what’s the problem?” Matilda scooted a little closer and smiled. Tori wanted to believe that. She really did but things aren’t as nice as Matilda thinks they are. Tori sighed and hoped she could keep the sadness out of her tone, “I wish it were that easy.”

“It doesn’t have to be hard! I love Ell and so do you! Why should we both have to give that up? Because other people don’t do it?” Matilda jumped up and gazed down at Tori who hugged herself as she said, “Those kind of relationships don’t usually work for most people-“

“We’re not most people now are we?” Matilda beamed and Tori felt a strange sense of hope rise up in her. Matilda should put that on her resume. The ability to make you believe that things could work. She was right though. Why couldn’t they make it work? It’s not like they’re jealous of each other. If anything Tori’s glad that Matilda and Ell actually love each other. They make a good pair. That is a very weird logic for one to have. But it’s true.

And Matilda WANTS Tori to stay with Ell. She WANTS them to stay together. Tori wants Matilda to stay with Ell too. There is no real anger towards each other. Sure, she felt mad about Ell lying but not about who it was with. Not about Matilda. Tori felt like spending so much time with the army and building that damn robot must have fucked her up to the point where things like this couldn’t illicit a proper emotional response. But here was Matilda telling her it was okay.

The words slipped out of Tori’s mouth, like when she told Tamara she’d get her whatever she wanted. She blamed it on the way the sunlight bounced of Matilda’s hair giving her a halo. The way Matilda’s eyes lit up and her smile was beautiful. She wasn’t wearing make up that day. She was in a plain shirt with jeans. She was heavenly.

Tori asked her, “Do you want to hang out tomorrow?”

Matilda was surprised by the sudden question but then giggled, “I’d love to!”

~  
It has been two days since Tamara had gone to stay with Joana. Tori suggested they stop texting and calling. They had to take Ell’s phone away since she was the biggest offender. Leaving messages every hour. They needed to work their issues out first before they tried to get Tamara back.

Tori wanted her back badly. So did Matilda but they had to work whatever this was out first. Matilda lay next to Ell before they left and said softly, “We’re gonna work this out. Everything's going to be just fine.” She pet Ell’s soft hair and the shorter woman gave her a sad smile, “You shouldn’t be going through this.”

Matilda put a finger to her girlfriend’s lips and gave her a gentle shush. 

“We’re gonna be okay” she reaffirms.  
~  
On the third day, Tori noticed that when Matilda blinks it’s slow like in cartoons. There wasn’t much going on at the hospital that day. She mainly tends to patients after the doctor has told her what to do. She was almost done with her shift. Tori’s sat in the waiting room watching her silently. Matilda didn’t know she was even there yet. Tori’s never seen Matilda work before. Tori is usually the one who drops her off before running errands and Tamara was the one who picked her up. Tamara wasn’t there anymore though. Just them. 

Tori didn’t mind being out of the house however. She couldn’t stand Ell’s moping for very long. A child walked to the front with a little bandage in his forearm. A vaccination or something. He gave Matilda a grin, he didn’t have his front two teeth. Matilda smiled back in a manner that had Tori melting a little. It was full of sunshine. Matilda reached behind her and then pulled out a jar of lollipops. Tori couldn’t hear them but could read their lips. Matilda asked the child, “Which flavor?” and the child said red. Matilda hands him two red ones and winked. The child giggled and thanked her politely. Her mother appreciated the gesture and gave Matilda a nod in gratitude as she led her child to the elevators. Another nurse walked in and Matilda pats her back before leaving the desk.

Matilda is in pediatrics and is great with kids.

Tori waited for 5 minutes before the door opened and Matilda walked out. Tori got up but paused when she saw Matilda’s excited expression. She was happy to see Tori. The Norwegian didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t the first time she had ever been given this look but today felt…different. It’d been feeling ‘different’ for quite a while. Matilda wanting to see her gave her a warm feeling that she couldn’t really interpret. It just occurred to her that she’d been staring at Matilda without word for 30 seconds like a creep and coughed, quickly averting her eyes. “Do you want to go home and change first?” Tori kept a fist over her mouth. Matilda threw an arm around her and Tori nearly had a heart attack. “Sure!” Matilda said in a cheery voice and she never took her arm off as they walked out of the building and back to the car.

~  
Before they leaving the house, Matilda left a plate of food for Ell and Tori leaves a can of cola. Both women kiss her goodbye and ask her if she wants them to get anything else while they’re out.

“Tamara” Ell moaned and Tori rolled her grey eyes, “Besides that.”

“My phone” Ell groaned and Matilda shook her head, “We have to give her some space, Darling. She can’t come back until we’ve all worked this out, okay?” Ell dug herself further into the pile of blankets that have accumulated and did not come back out. Tori took this as their cue and pulled Matilda out of the room. Leaving Ell alone with herself.  
~

What the hell is she? Matilda wasn’t what Tori considered attractive and yet there she was, beyond what Tori deems as aesthetically appealing. Beautiful. Tori was never into red-heads or freckles or girls that were much taller than her. Yet the ginger’s eyes reflect light like jewels and her smile is genuine. Matilda tells raunchy jokes and chews her hair. Matilda can’t stop looking at her reflection or readjusting her make up but these are things that Tori doesn’t mind if they’re by Matilda. Matilda laughs at Tori’s jokes and holds Tori’s hands unconsciously. Tori didn’t say anything when Matilda suddenly grabbed her hand during a jump scare in the horror film they had gone to see. It felt like the day at the arcade with Tamara.

She was seeing someone from a different perspective. Outside of the normal situations. She hangs out with Matilda all the time but this time it felt different. They share something. They share a love for Ell.

And horror films.

And a room.

And a sense of humor.

Matilda would let go of her hand to grab popcorn but there was always another monster around the corner to make her snatch up Tori’s hand again. Tori promised to herself that she would give that movie 5 stars on every review site because Matilda held her hand for 90% of the time. When it was over they kept their hands joined to avoid being separated in the crowd. When they exited the theater, they still held hands and Tori hoped that Matilda wouldn’t notice. As they walked down the street, Matilda’s palm shifted and her long fingers interlaced with Tori’s own. Matilda was fully aware of the hand holding and Tori blushed hard and laughed.

She couldn't help it. Everything felt so intense. Maybe it was just in her mind. For a while she was sure that the only person she could possibly “love” was Ell. She still does. But here is Matilda being an angel and making her feel better about the whole thing. The sensation of feeling differently about someone so close to her felt strange. Like the day she took Ell to a carnival, long before they began officially dating. Ell went from being just her cute friend to a pure and beautiful princess from a fairytale among the flurry of multicolored, fluorescent lights. And then there was the day at the arcade. With Tamara.

And the day when she drove Tamara to the clinic…

She had never seen Tamara like that. She looked…like she was falling apart inside. There wasn’t guilt but Tamara looked like she wanted to open the passenger door and jump out. She was tense and her knee wouldn’t stop bouncing. Tori wanted to grab her hand and beg her to speak her mind. What did she want? Because that clearly wasn't it. Tori had to keep her hand gripped to the wheel to stop herself from reaching out. Tamara was holding her stomach the whole time but not in nausea.Tori realized that Tamara didn’t actually want the abortion when the girl froze in her seat. Tamara is usually eager to get as far away from Tori as possible. In that moment, Tori’s car was the safe zone.

And it occurred to Tori that Tamara is a thinking individual with her own views of reality. Tamara has had an entirely different experience growing up and her sole purpose for existing isn’t to be some thorn in Tori’s side. Tamara just wants to be happy as much as the next person but like Tori she doesn’t think she deserves it. Tamara didn’t build a giant robot that killed a bunch of people. If anyone deserved to be happy, it was Tamara. Tori didn’t know why all of sudden she felt the urge to prove that to Tamara. Why had she convinced Tamara to keep the child? Why was it so important for Tori to let Tamara know that she was allowed to be happy when Tori had spent most of her own time trying make the other miserable?

Why was she so obsessed with Tamara in the first place?

It’s been like that since childhood. They were best friends. Tori followed Tamara everywhere like some puppy. Tamara was the one she told her secrets to. The one she picked, what she now realizes, were weeds for. At the time they were flowers. At the time they made Tamara smile. Looking back to the day she returned from Norway, right before she got off the plane, she was excited about seeing Tamara again. Tori gripped Matilda’s hand tighter. Matilda looked at Tori and saw the anxious look on her friend’s face, “What’s wrong?” Tori swallowed the lump in her throat, “I think I like you.”

Matilda smiled, “I like you too!”

Tori bit her lip and stayed silent. How could she tell her? It took her a year to work up the nerve to even ask Ell on an actual date. Within the span of a day she realized that she fell for her freckled friend and had also been unconsciously searching for a way to reconnect the tie she had severed with Tamara. Throwing furniture at her probably wasn’t it.

Matilda moved her body closer and the physical contact managed to stop Tori from falling into the pit of self-deprecation. Matilda giggled, “What would bears be without without bees?” Tori looked at Matilda with confusion as the red-head struggled to contain her laughter. She finally burst out, “Ears!”

“What?” Tori felt like Matilda had snapped or something. Matilda realized that Tori didn’t get the joke and tried another, “What do vegan zombies eat?” Tori thought that Matilda might have hit her head at work. What the hell was she doing? Matilda rolled her eyes into her head and playfully groaned, “graaaainnnnns!”

Tori remained perplexed for a second until it finally registered what Matilda was trying to do, “Oh! You are telling jokes!” Matilda nodded excitedly, “I hate to see you so sad!” Tori shook her head, “They are not very good.” It didn’t halt Matilda’s in the least bit though. Instead the taller woman tried even harder, “Why is three afraid of two?”

Tori winced as she waited for Matilda’s response. Matilda’s voice went up a note, “Because he killed every one!” Matilda smiled goofily and that actually was pretty funny. Tori chuckled a little and this egged Matilda on. The rest of the walk around down town was spent with Matilda reciting every terrible joke she knew and eventually she had Tori laughing so hard that she did something that Tori hoped she’d never do. Especially in front of other people. Tori started snorting.

She hates it!

She hates it so much!

But Matilda’s over enthusiasm over each joke had her laughing uncontrollably and soon she was snorting loudly. Matilda watched in absolute awe. She never knew Tori snorted when she laughed. Matilda loved it when people snorted when they laughed. She didn’t know why but, like the name “Tom,” she just did.

Matilda felt bad for liking Tori so much. This is exactly how it started with Ell. The brunette would do something endearing and it would invoke an intense joy in Matilda. She tried to push the feeling down though. Something told her that it actually might be a good thing.

They pass an alley way and two women were crouched down. One seemed to be having some sort of meltdown. Her nursing instincts were about to kick in but Tori pulled her toward an ice cream shop, derailing the train of thought. 

Tori hit her once. 

Punched her right in the face, left a black eye and took her for ice cream to try and make it better. Matilda doesn’t like to let the bad memories come back up. She clings on to the happy ones like Tori saying she was sorry and Tamara telling her that she’ll name the child “Tom.” She only has at least 10 years worth of memories. Might as well focus on the good ones, right?

~  
Ell had a dream in their absence. She saw Tamara die. It was the day that the robot had risen from the ground and went on autopilot. The rogue missile had hit her and it was actually Tamara this time. Ell ran to her crying and screaming. It felt like she was in hell. There was nothing but fire and the scent of burning flesh as other people died at the hands of a giant mech gone haywire. There was no Tamara to throw the harpoon to save Tori and so the metal titan explodes taking her girlfriend with it. A piece flew out and crushed Matilda, killing her instantly. It was hell. That robot was death. The taker. The devil. The ground beneath her gave and plunged everything into darkness.

She jolted awake and looked to the other bed to see that it was empty. Still believing her dream was a reality, panic set in and soon she started running through the house. Her roommates were no where to be found but Matilda’s clothes were freshly strewn across the floor and the shower tile was wet. The real reality set in and Ell remembered that her friends are alive and well. She laughed but the image of a burnt Tamara was still fresh in her mind. The sensation of disassociating was creeping in and she had to quickly do something to keep herself together. She started picking up Matilda’s clothes and folding them neatly on the woman’s bed. It wasn’t enough. She went to Tori’s side and made the bed and it was there that she noticed the dust and crumbs all over the floor. Matilda and Tori were the messiest members of the household. One person’s problem is often another one’s solution.

She grabbed a vacuum and duster and got to work. Their room still wasn’t enough though. Even as it began to look livable again, Ell wasn’t satisfied. That sensation of despair and agony was a hole left by a needle in her brain. You know it’s not in there anymore but it feels like the obstruction is still embedded in the wound. Ell moved to the room she shared with Tamara and began to dust, vacuum, disinfect and reorganize anything she could. It took less than an hour because they kept their room habitable but still the dream threatened to resurface like a shark in the waters of her mind. She could see the fin of the image of Tamara lying dead in her arms.

She swept the hallway and sanitized everything in the bathroom. She vacuumed the living room and reorganized every closet. She went into the gym and dusted the least used machines while wiping down the ones that were used the most. She scrubbed the kitchen, threw out anything that was rotting, and left it smelling like chemical oranges. There was no room the wasn’t practically flooded with bleach and now everything was spotless. Nothing left with an inch of dust on it….except.

Ell entered Tamara’s old room. She was sweating and her arms and knees hurt but she hoped that if the WHOLE house was clean, she could have some peace. She vacuumed the carpet but it still looked dirty. The stains were set in and even when she took a bucket of soap, water, and a little bleach and scrubbed vigorously at the stains for 10 minutes each, they did not lift. Light shapes where posters and pictures had been were scattered in patterns across the walls. No amount of dusting or scrubbing could take the dark outlines away. There was an ink stain above where her bed used to be. Ell’s eyes lifted to the ceiling to see a sooty, black mark blooming on the surface.

It was from an illegal fire cracker. Tamara bought it off a drug dealer. She was going to go buy pot but spent the money on what he called a “Little Death” instead. Ell almost lost a fucking finger. She dropped the scrubber that was in her hand and lay down on the ground. It had gotten dark and the only thing she could see was the aftermath of that explosion against the white ceiling. She used to come into Tamara’s room all the time for whatever reason. Sometimes to talk and sometimes to do some stupid shit that would get them nearly killed. One time Tamara sang her a song for her birthday. No one else was home yet and Tamara pulled out her bass and sang to her.

Just for her.

Tears poured down from her eyes and tickled her ears as gravity pulled them to that vomit stained carpet. She used bleach and citrus scented cleaners and everything still smelled like alcohol…and Tamara. She turned to the closet and wondered how many times had Tamara hid in there to drink. To hurt herself. Was she in there those times that Ell had walked in here to find her absent? How long has the closet been a refuge from Tamara’s self-hatred or is that where she stored it? Is that closet where Tamara kept the sadness so that she wouldn’t have to carry it around? Was it still in there?

The tears wouldn’t stop falling.  
~  
The sky had darkened and it was so lovely. They sat on a bench next to each other in silence, watching people go by. Matilda ordered a triple scoop with every topping they had and Tori stuck with her usual chocolate. She inched a pinky toward Matilda’s hand and, as discreetly as possible, tried to hold the other’s hand again. Matilda took the initiative and just grabbed Tori’s hand.

Some people walked their dogs and others jogged. At the little playground nearby, children were screaming and climbing over things like ants on dropped candy. Tori didn’t really like children. She always said that she’d never have any. It had nothing to do with career choices, she just didn't like them. She can’t stand the snot or the tears. She hated the tantrums and the sticky mess they always could manage to produce.

Tamara is going to have one of those.

The idea of Tamara having an actual kid is not something that Tori has really thought about. Pregnancy is one thing but in a few months, a little kid is gonna be running around their house. That’s if they can convince Tamara to stay. Tamara may want to move back into her apartment building. Tori couldn’t see it though. The image of that child’s future is in THEIR house. The scribble of crayons on their walls and tripping over toys in their own hall.

What will they be like?

Tori turned to Matilda as the ginger stuffed the rest of the cone into her mouth. “What do you think Tamara’s kid is gonna be like?” Matilda talked with a full mouth, “Cute!” Tori smiled and shook her head, “I mean: How do you think they’ll act like?”

Matilda swallowed and looked up in though. Her mouth pursed as she thought hard about it. Tori looked around at all the other kids. Matilda returned and answered, “Fussy? Maybe they’ll be like Tamara? I’m a lot like my dad. So my mum says.” Tamara is always ready to fight and maybe her kid will be too. Will they hate Tori the way Tamara does?

“Do you think they’ll like me?” Tori asked. Matilda squeezed her hand and said, “I think they will.”

They sat peacefully for two hours and watched as parents began to take their children home and couples come strolling in. Tori and Ell used to take walks together in the earlier years of their relationship. It actually started very innocently: simply holding hands and doodling hearts on each other’s arms in multi-colored pens. Tori studied the skin of Matilda’s arm from the corner of her eye. If she and Matilda had been dating, she would have loved playing connect the dots. She counted the amount of hearts she could get out of the freckles. She has some glitter pens under her bed that she could use.

Then, in the distance, Tori’s heart dropped as she saw the familiar blue hoodie and stiff brown pony tail. Matilda saw her friend freeze and tried to follow her line of vision. When she found what was sending Tori into a state of shock, she nearly choked. Tamara was casually strolling with another woman hanging on to her arm. The woman was thin and pretty and it took Matilda a second to realize it was Joana.

The half-eaten cone that Tori had abandoned a while ago crumbled as the mechanical hand involuntarily squeezed it. Tori shot up and ran to the other gate. Matilda took one last look at the brunette before going after Tori. They ran to her car and Tori slammed the door as she got in. Matilda ignored the anxiety that began to rise and sat in the passenger seat. Tori was gripping the wheel and gritting her teeth.

Matilda took a deep breath, “That was Joana I think…seems to be doing we-“

“WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?”

Matilda flinched and leaned a little bit away from the other. She remembered that Tori would constantly have outbursts when she was trying to get the robot out. She was always ready to snap. Matilda looked out the window, “I don’t think they were on a date or anything. Tamara wasn’t really into her when she was living next do-“

“I MEANT THE OTHER ONE!”

“STOP SHOUTING!” Matilda covered her ears. Tori tried to calm herself but the image of that girl clinging on to Tamara enraged her. Tamara was actually smiling. That charming smile she gives when she’s flirting with younger girls at the bar. When she’s telling Ell something funny. When she’s teasing Matilda. One that she’s never given Tori in the more than 25 years of knowing each other. Her breathing became erratic and Matilda knew that Tori was about to blow. She got out of the car and headed into a little alley way nearby.

Matilda leaned against the wall and hugged herself. She tried to not think about when Tori would randomly yell at her or the day she punched her. She thought about that day when Tamara ran out the first time. She came in and saw Tori and Ell on the floor. Tamara promised that she’d stop letting her anger get the better of her but failed. 

Matilda feels mad at herself now. She should have checked on Tamara first. It’s so easy to forget that Tori has equally terrible anger issues. But Tamara is the one who’s always in a state of agitation, which stands as a constant testament to her dominant emotion. But Tori? Tori is always joking and being as cool as possible.

Tori is equally as capable of violence as Tamara, if not more so.

“Matilda?” The woman in question flinched at the sound of her name and Tori stepped back. Matilda looked like she wanted to cry as she said, “She’s just trying to get better…like the rest of us….” People walked by the alley way. The street brightly lit and full of life; A contrast to the dark alley that only held two women.

Tori felt bad about bursting out. She hates doing that. There’s a lot of things that she does that she hates. She was supposed to never get like that around Matilda again. She promised that Matilda would never have to fear being around her when she was angry again. After the aftermath of the robot, she went into hiding for a little bit before coming back to move into Tamara’s apartment building. Ell was the one that convinced Tamara to let her stay. Ell was the only one who would speak to her. Matilda avoided her but it seemed more so out of fear than anger. It took a month to regain some form of trust and it involved apologizing for punching her and promising that she’d never snap like that again.

She thought it was enough but seeing Matilda hug herself and avoid Tori’s presence again proved her wrong. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get mad,” Tori took a step closer and was relieved when Matilda didn’t stop her. She opened her arms and hoped Matilda would accept her offer but Matilda looked away.

“Do you remember…that time you hit me?” Matilda spoke in a low voice and with caution.

Tori felt her lower gut twist. It’s one thing to think about it but to confront it is another. Tori’s arms fell and she swallowed hard. Matilda still thinks about it. “I do,” Tori confessed. “I know you said you were sorry…and I forgave you…but-“ Matilda’s hair fell to her face “-I still think about it…a lot.” Tori wanted to hold her close and promise that she’d never hit her again but she also wanted to launch herself into the street and have all the trucks run her over.

“I don’t know what to do…how do I fix it?” Tori asked. Matilda took in a deep breath and let out a long exhale. “When you get angry-“ Matilda won’t look at her “- you go overboard.” A thought appeared in Tori’s head. Did Matilda move in with her because she was scared? Has anything that Matilda’s been doing with her been out of fear of saying no? Has Matilda been living in a constant state of terror?

“I try not to get mad,” Tori meant it. She doesn’t like being angry all the time. It used to be a good thing when her temper threatened the lives of whole armies. What was it like to just let things go? She was never familiar with that feeling. Must be nice.

She looked down at the metal arm. The machinery reacts to her emotions. The fist was clenched tight as if ready to hit something. She always thought Tamara was the one who couldn’t control herself but Tamara was doing fine until Tori had to aggravate her. Had to confront her about something that shouldn’t have mattered. Had to put a hand on her at the arcade when she knew that Tamara hated being touched. She was the aggressor here. Tamara wasn’t always ready to fight: She was just living in a constant state of self-defense.

Tori was the one with the anger problem.

“Stop that,” Matilda said pulling Tori out her thoughts. “Stop what?” Tori’s heart hurts. Matilda pointed to the metal fist and Tori looked down again to see that the fist had clenched tighter and steam was coming out. It overheated. She willed it to release but it didn’t. More smoke billowed out and connections that link it to her brain made her temples throb. She hated this damn thing. Especially now that Patricia isn’t around to fix. She hated it. Hated everything that it stood for: Her near decade long absence, that robot, the army that she had no choice but to disband, her second-in-commands going into hiding. 

A summary of every tear cried, every drop of blood spilled, and every ounce of sweat that weeped from their skins as they carried their cause on their tired backs towards the promise of a better tomorrow. It all fell when she chose her love over her power. In one last act of loyalty, Patricia built her this arm and every week she would help care for it. Until she fled, taking Paola with her. After their goodbyes, they cut contact with each other, leaving Tori to take care of herself. 

Her best friends are gone forever and this is all it came down to: A piece of metal that shocks her awake at night. A piece of metal that tricks her into thinking her arm is still there. A piece of metal that can’t be used to touch or grab anything if there’s even an ounce of irritation in her. A piece of equipment that without Patrica to maintain can go haywire and hurt the people she loves closest to her. Metal that once accidentally burned Ell in a touch that was meant to be gentle. Meant to be loving.

What if she hurts Tamara’s kid?

Without thinking, Tori cocked her arm back and flung a heavy punch into the adjacent brick wall. Matilda jumped and backed away. Her eyes filled with fear. It was that day all over again. Tori’s eyes were wide and every exhale was shaky. She felt like she was pushing fire out of her lungs. Her eyes focused on the fist embedded into the wall. Bits of the clay mixture crumbled and fell to her feet. The cracks that ran from the crater were nearly a foot long and she hoped that no one would come out to check. The frustration scattered in the impact and Tori felt relieved…but then she saw the look on Matilda’s face. The shaking shoulders and the way Matilda held her arms up in self-protection.

Oh no.

Tori pulled at the metal and saw the damage she had caused. The huge hole in the wall would need to be professionally repaired. Her arm felt heavy and her shoulder ached. Minor pain in comparison to the one in her heart. Tori kept her voice as calm and gentle as possible, “Matilda I-“

“I’m okay!” Matilda sucked in the air desperately, trying to breathe as much of the panic out as possible. “I’ll be okay!” She tried to reassure her friend. Tori stayed in place and felt the guilt pour over her.

“Why do you do that?” Matilda asked and Tori thought she meant about punching the wall. Matilda looked Tori in the eyes, “Why do you let yourself think about the bad things?” Matilda pushed her hair behind her ear. ‘A very lovely ear,’ Tori thought. “That’s why you stay so mad. You think about bad stuff and you think about it for a long time,” Matilda told her. Tori doesn’t say anything. Matilda continued, “Like about what happened with the robot or before that with your army. Like…how you think Tamara doesn’t like you.” The fingers on Tori’s real arm twitched.

“I know she does…deep down,” Matilda actually isn’t sure but at the time she had to at least pretend she was, “but she just needs to know that you like her too.”

Wasn’t that kiss enough?

“When you took her to the arcade, it was great because…it felt like you were trying to fix that,” Matilda’s voice grew melancholic.

They had fun at the arcade. It didn’t feel like they were kids again but as if they were starting over. It feels foolish to think so sentimentally like that but Tori can’t help it. That day, despite how it ended, is something Tori hopes will happen again.

“Because every other time…” Matilda looked out into the street, “….you’re always at each other’s throats. Like you’re okay with that.”

“I’m not okay with it.”

“I know. You said you were sorry after you and her got into that fight….but I don’t think it’s enough,” Matilda responded. Tori wanted to be held in that moment. “It’s been going on for so long that…” Matilda hugged herself again, “…I think it’s going to take more than an apology. Remember how we had to sit and talk a few times? Just you and me?” 

Tori nodded her head.

“You’re going to have to do that with her. Probably more than just a few times,” Matilda said as she remembered sitting in her apartment with Tori and talking about things.

Tori felt anxious at the thought of being alone with Tamara again, “It never turns out well.”

“That’s why you have to try, love. I bet she’d like that. She said ‘yes’ to the arcade didn’t she?”

Tori nodded again. She was unexplainably happy when Tamara agreed. “Can you try it? Me and Ell will help.I promise. You both won’t have to do it alone,” Matilda gave her a small smile and it was enough to make it feel like everything would be okay. If Matilda and Ell will be there to help her stop herself from lashing out..then maybe it could really work. Tori let out a sigh of defeat, “Okay.”

Matilda pushed herself off the wall and hugged Tori. The tension finally lifted and Tori melted in the taller woman’s arms. “Why were you so upset though?” Matilda whispered. Tori closed her eyes and tried to explain without letting the anger reappear, “I got jealous.”

“Of Tamara? I know Joana’s cute but-“

“Of Joana.”

Matilda understood, “Oh.”

Matilda recalled what their relationship was like with their neighbors. Joana was just as petty as Elena but on her own wasn’t so bad. The rivalry was more between Ell and the hispanic woman if anything. Her memory may fail her often but she knew for a fact that Tamara and Joana never really talked. Maybe a wave of hello, here and there, but never full blown conversations. Seeing them together at the park was…it felt strange for Matilda.

Tamara rarely lets people that close to her. Not so causally. The only time Matilda sees people on Tamara’s arm like that…is when she’s trying to get in their pants. Matilda used to watch Tamara flirt with various people. When she succeeded, the girls would cling on to her the whole night. Same with the men. Tamara didn’t mind the groping when she herself had similar intentions.

But Tamara had never expressed an interest in Joana. Those tiny, flowery girls were not usually Tamara’s type. She likes girls with tattoos and dyed hair. The kind that chain smoked and drank hard liquor. Matilda could never come around to drinking whiskey.

Yet, there they were. Joana holding onto her arm while Tamara led her into the park.

Matilda understood Tori completely.

“I don’t think there was anything going on,” Matilda looked down at the shorter woman. 

“There better not be,” Tori muttered.

“But…we’re not dating her or anything…does it even matter…?” Matilda realized that feeling like this toward Ell was one thing but toward their Tamara was another. What did it matter if she started seeing other people?

A thought fluttered into Tori’s mind that made them both feel sick to their stomachs, “What if she goes to live with her?”

In that dark alley way, Matilda squeezed her friend tighter and didn’t know what worried her more: Tamara leaving them or how the idea of it made Matilda want to punch a wall herself.

~

They decided to go home after that. It didn’t feel right to go get drinks…especially after seeing their friend. Once again, it felt fucked up that alcohol was so closely associated to Tamara. Drinking would have made them miss her more.

They returned to a house that smelled like lemon cleaners and bleach. Everything was absolutely spotless. “Ugh-“ Tori knew exactly who was responsible, “-I wish she could do this when she’s not having a breakdown.” Matilda elbowed her gently. They checked their room and confirmed that Ell had left nothing uncleaned. The clothes she had left were folded neatly and Tori’s pencils and drafting papers were organized on her desk. The crumbs from their late night snacking were gone, along with the biscuits Matilda had been saving in-between her mattresses.

“They were moldy, Matilda. You wouldn’t have been able to eat them anyway,” Tori rolled her eyes at Matilda’s mournful expression.

They searched around the house for Ell, expecting her to be curled up in Tamara’s bed. No luck though. She was no where to be found…so they decided to look into the place that they’ve been avoiding since Tamara left. Her old bedroom.

When they opened the door, they heard Ell’s strained voice, “Is Tamara back yet?” She was lying on the floor, staring up at the ceiling of Tamara’s old bedroom. “What are you doing there, babe?” Tori asked but Ell didn’t look at her. Instead she said, “I’m dying without her.” 

“We miss her too, Darling, but that’s not enough to kill you,” Matilda tried to assert. Ell didn’t listen. She closed her eyes and let her breathing slow a little. She was trying to will herself to death. Tori said, “That’s not possible.” But then Matilda looked very concerned, and she is the registered nurse after all.

They laid down with Ell in between them and looked up to see some kind of explosion mark on the ceiling. Tori didn’t take her eyes off the stain, “When did that happen?” 

Ell sniffed and the women turned to see tears slip down her face. Ell’s voice comes out creaky, “We were playing with firecrackers.” Tori really hates that they do dangerous things when she’s not around. Not the adventures they’re used to; Like actual near-death experiences that sometimes put them in the hospital or in police detainment. She asked Ell, “Who gave you guys firecrackers?” Ell answered, “Matilda.”

Tori lifted her head up to look at the red-head. Matilda was smiling up at the stain as she started to remember that day. Tamara kicked her bedroom door open and threw the unlit firecrackers at her but pretended they were and shouted “Duck, bitch!” Matilda squeaked, “Where?” before frantically looking for a bird. Tori asked her, “Matilda, where did you get the firecrackers?” Matilda smiled goofily, “Tamara.” Tori slammed her head back down. Of all the convoluted-y’know what? She didn’t want to know. They’ve given her worse explanations for even worse plans.

Tori sighed deeply and slipped her hand into Ell’s. The fingers gripped her tightly and it comforted Tori. When Tamara left, they thought it was the guy that got her pregnant who picked her up. Ell has expressed several times that she hopes he never comes looking for Tamara. That Tamara’s child will never go looking for him. They only need their moms…mom.

Ell didn’t know how to feel about Tamara screaming that the cheating was hurting her. Did this mean that Tamara liked her? Ell actually hoped it did. That was honestly the worse way to find out though. She remembers growing up with Tamara. How she went from a carefree girl to a person who lost everything. Ell started to cry harder. She was never there for her. She found out Tamara’s dad died when they were in college. College! Tamara lost the guy at 16! At least Matilda and Tori had an excuse! Matilda was studying in another part of England and Tori was still in Norway. Ell was there the whole time.

And she could never bring herself to approach Tamara. The girl was always hanging out with the cool kids that smoked and played music. Tamara went to parties while Ell stayed at home, wishing she had the much courage sometimes. Ell asked into the nothingness, “Do you know when I fell in love with her?” Tori wasn’t surprised that Ell had feelings for Tamara. She always kind of knew. Tamara was the one that Ell went to when she was sad.

Tori rolled over to face her, “When?”

Ell swallowed hard, “When we were little. Sometimes, she was the mom when we played house. Remember?” Tori shook her head, “I don’t really remember anything before I left.” Which wasn’t true. She could never forget about Tamara. Matilda interrupted, “I don’t remember anything at all.” The two women turned to their friend to say, “Sorry,” but Matilda wasn’t offended. The woman puffed her cheeks out as she searched her mind. It was more of an observation. They told her she went to a fancy school but she has no memory of it.

Ell slipped her hand into the freckled one. Matilda’s thumb stroked her knuckles and Ell thought about the terrible state Tamara’s hands were in when she ran out the first time. This time she left with a huge bite mark. How often has Tamara done that? Just flat out bite into her own flesh and tear it up like that. Is that why she always wears long sleeves? Ell felt sick. Aside from the drinking, Tamara’s behavior never indicated any other form of self-harm. But deep-down, Ell always knew. She should have said something. Dragged Tamara to get help. Told her she loved her.

Ell decided to finish, “I didn’t know why but I wanted to fight Tori to be the dad.” Tori laughed as she imagined a tiny Ell coming at her. Ell laughed with her before becoming sad again, “I didn’t know it at the time but as we got older I realized I was falling for her. I wanted to be with her all the time…it scared me.” 

“Your parents never had a problem with gay people though,” Tori said.

Ell shook her head, “I was afraid I’d scare her off. I felt it so strongly but I didn’t think she felt it back…so I started to hang out with other people. I thought I’d get over her eventually.”

Matilda smiled brightly, “Guess you never did.”

Ell nodded, “One time, this guy was trying to ask me out and I said ‘no’ over and over again but he wouldn’t drop it. I told Tamara and all she did was say, ‘don’t worry about it.’ And the next day, I heard that she picked him up and threw him right into the school dumpster!” Ell started laughing and then crying. Matilda’s hands came up to wipe her tears and that made Ell cry harder, “I should have been there for her! She was always looking out for me! I couldn’t even ask if her dad was okay!”

Ell started sobbing and breathing erratically. She curled up on her side and both women held her tight and let her release the emotion. 

Matilda doesn’t really remember anything before the day she accidentally wiped her memory. Tamara was the one who helped her. She remembers Tamara losing patience often but then coming back and apologizing. Tamara seemed like such a mature, wise person at the time. Matilda did everything she could to try and make her smile. It sometimes felt like Tamara was made of stone. Matilda was proven wrong when she saw the bite mark on Tamara’s hands. Even the strong can break.

Tori held her tight as Ell asked, “What are we going to do?”

“What do you mean?” Matilda brought a hand up to brush some of the tears off her girlfriend’s cheeks.

“I love you both…AND her. I can’t do that…that’s not fair to you…OR her,” Ell started to shake and Tori became worried.

“I love you guys too!” Matilda added.

“No Matty-“ Tori lifted herself a bit to look at the red-head “-she means as more than friends. She loves Tamara they way she loves you and I.”

“Yeah! I know. I love you and Tamara just as much as I love Ell.” Matilda smiled. Tori and Ell were absolutely surprised. How could she be so casual - even excited- about it? Matilda got up to plant a kiss on Tori’s lips and it was sweet and chaste and when she pulled away, Tori was left dazed. Matilda put her hands behind her head and looked at them both smugly.

Ell sat up as if she’d been tasered but she was smiling and wiping up her tears, “We can make this work!” Matilda and Tori came up to join her and Ell repeated herself, “We can make this work!” Matilda nodded her head enthusiastically but Tori didn’t seem convinced. Yes, she does love Ell deeply, always has, and Matilda’s been growing on her and seeing the red-head makes her heart skip and she doesn’t feel like such a piece of shit-

Oh god damn it. Why lie? She’s in love with Matilda too.

“What about Tamara?” Matilda asked.

Tori remembers the day she came back from Norway and saw them all again. Tamara looked like the sun literally kissed her skin and she looked so grown. Tori expected the chubby-cheeked child, not this ethereal creature to greet her at the airport. Those ink eyes bore into her with something Tori couldn’t explain. Tori remembers not knowing how to deal with ALL her friends having become so beautiful. Ell hugged her in the warmest embrace she’d ever felt and her eyes were filled with love and joy. Matilda walked with such grace and when she smiled, Tori felt a tight grip on her heart. It was like coming out from a dark cave for years and seeing the sunrise again. She hugged Ell and Matilda but didn’t know what to do with Tamara.

Tamara looked like she didn’t want to be touched. She never had crushes on people, so the only way she knew how to handle it was by insulting her. Tamara didn’t say anything to her but after a week of sneering and nasty remarks, Tamara had had enough and punched Tori. It was a trash can on fire, rolling down a hill of dead grass after that.

Tori didn’t know about her father’s suicide either. She didn’t find out till college like Ell did. She has no idea what Tamara did after that. What she went through. And it feels like there is a hole in her heart where Tamara should have been but instead she filled it with unrequited love and mistook it for hatred…

She shouldn’t have asked why Tamara hated her. She should have already known why.

She should have been apologizing.

Matilda reached over and pushed a lock of Tori’s hair behind her ear. She looked at her with concern and Tori’s heart melted. She felt like she didn’t deserve it. They keep telling her she’s a hero for trying to stop that robot. It went on auto pilot and proceeded to take out their houses and the neighbors. They thought that one of them had died. She had to physically climb up the thing and get the hatch open in order to deactivate it. But the override command didn’t go through, the system rejected it each time. So she initiated self-destruct and that - as if some divine punishment- went through. 

In the induced explosion, she lost an arm and her ability to properly see in her left eye. She almost would have lost her life had Tamara not harpooned a rope 6 seconds till self-destruct for Tori to slide down. Her heart nearly burst seeing Tamara alive and saving her ass in the knick of time.

“Hey,” Ell put a hand on her shoulder and Tori let out a breathe she didn’t know she was holding. She could have died. The hand moved to rub her back and Tori swallowed hard as she lay her head in Ell’s lap. Matilda stood up and turned on the lights. Through squinted eyes, they watched Matilda walk around the room. She studied the ground and said, “We’ll need to pull the carpet out.”

It was as if Matilda was planning a battle. She may have been spending too much time with Tori. With her hands on her waist, she walked around the room in examination. She stopped at a stain on the wall that she remembered was caused by bringing in a live squid to be their house pet. She touched the stain gently and realized that it had already been scrubbed a couple of times. She turned back to her girlfriends and said, “We’re gonna need to repaint it too.”


	8. What is the Difference Between an Idealist and a Realist?

Tori envied the way Patricia looked at Paola in their days with the army. She watched the romance blossom before her very eyes and found herself missing Ell all the while. It started with passing glances as they walked down hallways. Then doing things to get the other’s attention. They just wanted to be friends at first but they were too perfect for each other. They completed one another. Every aspect of their personalities were pieces that completed a puzzle. They never formally dated. Their first kiss was during a plane crash in which they both thought was their end. Tori never said anything but wondered if she should have had them separated. It was a good decision not to. They ended up being the only people who accepted her decision to leave and disband the army. After they killed those who would harm Tori in her pursuit of a normal life, Patricia told Tori that she had to leave.

“I have something for you,” Patricia said. Her voice was sweet and hopeful. She presented to Tori a robotic arm. Made of what they could recover from the robot. Patricia had to use the metal because their storage facilities had already been raided or burned. Patrica was a brilliant engineer and Tori thanked her and asked her where she would go now.

“I don’t know yet. I’m taking Paola with me though…Where will you go?” Patricia looked at Tori the way a mother does to her already grown child. Tori shrugged, “I have a girl back home.”

“Norway?”

“England” Tori corrected.

Patricia gave her a curt nod. Patrica was the one who made sure Tori ate and got plenty of sleep. She was the one that kept Tori updated and that the army was in order while she was gone. Paola was the protector. Paola kept her safe in battle and killed a man that broke into their hiding place. Paola was a terrible pilot but Tori was never afraid. As long as Paola was around, she knew no harm would come to her.

Tori never realized all they’d done for for her until Patricia packed the last suitcase and got on a boat. Paola hugged Tori goodbye and kissed her before she left. They waved from the deck until they were too far to be seen. Tori realized that her protectors were gone forever and she was alone.

But she didn’t feel alone.

Because Ell was somewhere, safe and sound, and maybe would be willing to take her back. It was arrogant to assume that Ell would forgive her for lying.

But she had to try.

And Ell did forgive her after some time. 

But even long after, the guilt still remains, quiet at times but always making a huge comeback when she sees the way Matilda flinches when anyone raises their voice.

Whenever she saw the anger in Tamara’s eyes.

~

The day before they asked Tamara out, a knock echoed down the hall from the front door. They were in Tamara’s old bedroom arguing over the color. “I think it should be purple,” Matilda stated. “I feel like pink would be better,” Tori would suggest red but it might have been too intense. The both of them were lying on the floor with a piece of paper and some colored pens. Ell sat in a chair she pulled in, flipping through a catalog of baby furniture that she had found under Tamara’s bed. “Purple is for all genders,” Matilda is drawing the bedroom layout on that piece of paper with a green glitter gel pen. “Color doesn’t have a gender,” Tori drew a cartoon baby with sunglasses and a missile launcher on the layout with a dark blue one.

Matilda scrunched her nose, “What’s that?” Tori smiled, “The baby. They will be a badass.” Matilda shook her head, “No weapons! They’re going to be our princess!” Ell pulled out the swatches of color that they had brought home from the paint store. She never felt such anxiety over choosing a color before. She heard the knock and said, “I don’t think Tamara wants her baby to be in beauty pageants OR in the army.” She got up and went to see who it was. She hoped it was Tamara but was disappointed at the sight of her newly appointed assistant. “Ey Hell,” she said. The younger woman had some sort of speech impediment that Ell thought was absolutely adorable. “Hellacard! How nice to see you!” Ell gave her a brief hug and invited her in but the blonde declined. “I’m ‘ere for the hissue,” Hellacard smiled. 

Ell stared at the woman in confusion.

“The hi- the ISSUE” Helena shouted a bit, pushing the correct pronunciation out with force. Ell shook her head, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The happy look on Hellacard’s face fell and worry took over, “Hissue number 78! The he-Editor wanted hit by today! You forgot?” It then dawned on Ell that she’s a rising comic book artist and she still had to finish the last 30 pages of the issue number 78.

“Shit! I still need to finish it!” Ell tugged at her messy hair and wanted to scream. “It’s okay!” Hellacard tried to calm her down, “You got till 9!” Ell pulled out her phone to see that it was still noon. “I drew everything already, we just need to ink over it!” Ell exclaimed as she grabbed her assistant by the arm and pulled her inside. She was supposed to spend the last few days completing it but with Tamara leaving and her brain going into shock, she had completely forgotten.

Matilda and Tori were still in Tamara’s room when they heard Ell run down the hall. Tori shot up and poked her head out to hear the unmistakable sound of Ell frantically digging through her workspace. She turned her head to see Ell’s little assistant fidgeting with the hem of her black t-shirt. Hellacard felt awkward being in Ell’s house. When she was given the job, she thought they’d be working in an office setting but her boss told her that Ell prefers to work at home.

Hellacard kept her eyes down trying to avoid Tori’s gaze. Ell’s girlfriend has always been somewhat of an intimidating person. Hellacard's eyes finally look up to meet Tori who’s thick brow is cocked in question. The words come out in stutters past Hellacard’s chapped lips, “Hi-hi-ISSue number se-seventy hei-hei-EIGHT…is due t-t-today…”

Tori nodded her head and was about to go back into the room when Matilda pushed past her to see who their guest was. The anxiety that pushed against the inside of Hellacard’s rib cage spiked when she saw the red head. ‘Oh no…Ell’s cute roommate is here. The hot, mean one can’t be too far either’ Hellacard thought. She kept her teeth clamped to her bottom lip, too nervous to even say hi.

“Hey!” The red-head smiled, “you’re the one with the cute speech thingy! I forgot your name!”

Hellacard felt like she was going to faint.

Ell jogged out of her room, “Her name’s Hellacard and she’s gonna help me finish this issue.” Ell grabbed her assistant’s arm again and pulled her towards the kitchen. The brunette spread the papers over the entire table and pulled out several pens, brushes, and a black bottle of ink. Hellacard was handed a pen as Ell explained, “first we ink over the lines and then we’ll fill in the solid blacks.” The blonde nodded and grabbed a random page.

Tori had walked in at some point with Matilda to look over the work. “We want to help,” Tori smiled. “Alright then, “ Ell took on a tone of professionalism, “but I will need to see your resumes.” Tori got up and left the kitchen and when she returned she held a piece of paper that she gave to Ell.

The brunette studied the doodles as if she were looking at important documents. Hellacard scooted closer to see a cartoon baby with a rocket launcher, sunglasses, and a princess crown fighting off a shark. Ell puts a finger on the baby, “Who did what?”

“I did the baby with sunglasses and the rocket launcher,” Tori kept an absolute straight face.

“I did the princess crown and the sharks,” Matilda said with seriousness.

“Hmmm…” Ell hummed and rubbed her chin. She put the paper down and handed them two pens, “You’re both very qualified candidates but I’m going to need you both to draw a line.” They both took the pens, maintaining their calm composure and did as they were told. Tori drew a perfectly straight line. Probably the best Hellacard had ever seen someone do without a ruler. Matilda drew a cupcake.

Ell nodded, “You both get the job.”

Tori grabbed a page, “We need to discuss payment.”

Matilda grabbed one as well, “And health insurance. I found a rash on my tum.”

Ell resumed with her line work as she answered, “You’re getting paid in kisses-“ Tori muttered a little ‘hell yeah’ under her breath “-and I’m sure if you stop picking at the rash it will go away.” Matilda happily nodded before starting on her first page.

~

They got through the work quickly and as the pages dried on the table, they all sat in the living room in exhaustion. “So Hellacard,” the blonde jumped when she heard her name and Ell smiled, “have you got around to asking out those two cute neighbor girls you were telling me about?” Tori eyed Ell suspiciously, “How do you know they’re cute?”

Matilda joined in, “Two girlfriends not enough now?”

Ell giggled, “Hellacard told me! I swear! I haven’t seen them yet!”

Hellacard caught on quickly to the new information. Ell was in a polyamorous relationship with these women. Hellacard didn’t say anything though. She learned early on that minding your own business was always the best option. “Well?” Ell would not let the subject die.

Hellacard began to fidget again, “No. Hi get nervous…” Helena thinks about her two neighbors and how different they are from each other. One was polite and always smiled at Hellacard as they passed each other in the halls of their complex. The other was more abrasive and loud and made Hellacard weak-kneed whenever she yelled. She figured that there was no “kill two birds with one stone” kind of way of approaching them both.

“Why not? You’re cute. I’m sure one of them would say yes. And if not then they’re stupid!” Ell tried to assure her.

“One of them is a scientist…hand a movie director….and the hother is like a cop or body guard…so she’s like buff…halso older than me. They’re both ho-Older than me….” Helena confidence started to drop, “…they’re hou-Out of my league.”

“Wait! You want to ask the both of them out?” Ell became excited and began to bounce in her seat. Hellacard blushed and covered her face with her hands. Tori noticed that the blonde’s fingernails were painted black and a sense of sad familiarity was felt. She pushed it aside and tried to add to the conversation, “What is your strategy?’

Hellacard peeked out through her fingers, “My hwat?

“Your strategy. Your plan. How are you going to ask them out?” Tori hoped she wasn’t coming across as too coarse. She rarely speaks to people outside of her friend circle. Even then, she has to catch herself when she starts speaking like she’s commanding an army. Old habits die hard, as they say.

Hellacard twiddled her thumbs in her lap and bit the inside of her cheek. They waited patiently for her answer but Hellacard only shrugged her shoulders. “You could ask them to go dancing!” Matilda said with excitement.

“Take them to a shooting range,” and it was here that Tori realized that she may have a problem.

Ell rolled her eyes and put an arm around Hellacard as a big sister does to her sibling, “Do you know what they’re into? Are they both already dating each other?”

Hellacard looked off to the side, “Films? Hi know that Bing makes them. Never seen ‘em dance. Hi think Laura can fire a gun. They live together…Laura and me talk about the weather….” They could visibly see Hellacard’s hope deflate. She’s never even had a real conversation with the nicest member of the duo. She felt pathetic.

“Try and talk to them more,” Ell tried to remain cheerful.

Hellacard mulled over what she knew about the two women other than that they made movies, did science experiments and were probably much older than her.

“Hwat do I say?” Hellacard looked up at Ell who bit her lip in thought. Tori wanted to help but wasn’t good with these kind of matters. It was hard enough getting Ell to date her and Matilda was a fucking miracle. “Try asking them about what they like!” Matilda offered. Hellacard tried to think about how she would possibly be able to do that but the thought of trying to lead a conversation with her neighbors raised her anxiety as if it were happening.

“What did you do?” Hellacard asked Ell.

“For what?” Ell was confused.

“How did you ask them out?” The blonde gestured to the other women in the room.

“Well…” Ell felt like she was telling a child the story of how their parents met, “Tori asked me out in college and Matilda…”

Ell didn’t know how to continue as the events of the previous months played out in her mind. Does she admit that the entire thing happened because she cheated? Lie about it in front of her girlfriends? It all began to sink again and Ell felt that familiar creeping sensation of her mind about to float away.

Tori picked up on this and finished for her, “Ell cheated on me with Matilda but I was not mad and then we all just decided to date each other,” and then realized that this was a bad idea when she saw the look of shock spread across Hellacard’s face. Matilda looked down at her hands and became aware of the guilt that’s been eating at her for the past few days.

“O…kay….” Hellacard fidgeted in her seat and it was here that Tori realized that she really is terrible at talking to people. Tamara once said that Tori didn’t have a filter.

“Just….” Ell pulled herself back and tried to take control of the subject again, “don’t do that. That’s a bad way to start a relationship. Avoid that.” Ell realized what she had just said and wanted to slap herself for it. The guilt in Matilda’s tummy grew more dense and Tori said nothing. They all needed to have a real conversation about this.

Hellacard felt awkward and out of place. She tried to redirect the topic,”sooooo…where is your fourth?”

“Fourth?” Ell asked.

“The other girl…she’s always like drinking and stuff. Said hi had a nice rack and then threw up on me at your last birthday party? Is she still ‘ere?” Hellacard looked around expecting the fourth roommate to come drunkenly crawling out of somewhere but the house was absolutely quiet. A tension filled the air and Hellacard felt like she had set of a landmine.

All three women were quiet and looking at the floor.

The blonde tried to backtrack, “Hi-I’m…sorry…you don’t ‘ave to answer tha-“

“It’s a long story…” Matilda broke the silence, “…but I guess you could say were in the same position…we’re trying to ask HER out…” Matilda gave a sad smile and Hellacard didn’t press on about the situation. Instead she suggested, “Ask ‘er to a movie?”

They all looked at Hellacard who was picking at a bandaid on the crook of her elbow. She continued, “…or like…drinks?”

“She is pregnant,” Tori said.

“Then dinner? I don’t know-” Hellacard took a peek under the bandaid and then gently placed it back, “-hi think the pages are dry.”

“Right,” Ell jumped off and went to go collect them. Hellacard went to help her and this time Matilda and Tori did not follow.

In the kitchen, Ell was shoving all the pages into their designated folder.

“I’m sorry…” Hellacard offered but Ell shook her head, “You did nothing wrong. Just-“ Ell handed the folder over to Hellacard who hugged it close to her chest, “-don’t be afraid to talk to your neighbors and get to know them both. Even if it doesn’t work out…trying is better than spending the rest of you life asking yourself, ‘What if I had?” The blonde smiled at Ell and gave her a curt nod. Ell smiled back before leading Hellacard to the door.

The other two women were still sitting on the couch and turned to Hellacard to say goodbye. Hellacard felt bad for actually wanting to leave but decided it was for the better. It seemed like they all needed to have a talk immediately. At the door she turned to Ell and said, “Hi-I think I’ll ask them what their favorite horror movies are.”

“Maybe just start with movies in general?” Ell leaned against the door way.

“It’s horror or nothing,” Hellacard responded with a smile as she walked down the pathway towards her car.

Ell watched her assistant get into the little beat up vehicle and drive away.

The sound of the door shutting felt like it echoed through out the house and Matilda braced herself for what she knew Ell was going to say.

“We need to talk.”

“We talked about this yesterday,” Tori didn’t want to do this.

“I mean it, we need to actually talk about this,” Ell sat down on the couch with her hands on her knees, “We can’t just pretend that suddenly jumping into a relationship like this is gonna solve everything.”

“Why not?” Tori really didn’t want to do this.

“Because…because one-“ Ell put a finger up “-none of us have ever been in a relationship like this before, two, I’m pretty sure it works way differently than one between two people-“ she looked directly at Tori” - and three, we’re trying to bring another person into it when it barely just started…”

Matilda felt her heart ache while Tori avoided Ell’s gaze.

She was right.

“So…you don’t think it will work?” Matilda sounded like she was about to cry. She was always the more sensitive of the group.

“No! I think it will!” Ell tried to correct.

“You think?” Tori began to grow agitated, “you THINK?”

Ell turned back to Tori, “Don’t start that-“

“YOU started it,” Tori’s agitation soon took a turn into anger. She didn’t want to talk about this anymore but Ell wouldn’t let it go.

“I just wanted to make sure we were all CLEAR on what were we were getting into! But here you are getting UPSET!” Ell stood up and so did Tori. Matilda started to slowly get up, the urge to find a quiet place to hide becoming stronger when she saw Tori’s fists begin to tighten. Especially the metal one.

“Why are you getting mad THIS TIME?” Ell’s voice increased in volume.

“THIS TIME?” Tori’s anger turned into rage, “BECAUSE YOU WANT TO KEEP DIGGING INTO WOUNDS! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST MOVE ON! WE SAID WE WERE ALL OKAY YESTERDAY!”

“BECAUSE WE CAN’T PRETEND THAT EVERYTHING IS FINE AND THAT NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG! BECAUSE WE NEED TO BE CLEAR ABOUT WHAT WE WANT FROM ALL THIS!”

Matilda shot up, “I WANT YOU BOTH TO SIT DOWN AND COUNT TO 10!”

The red head looked as if she was ready to burst into tears and her eyes shifted quickly between the two women and Tori’s arm. It was then that the Norwegian woman noticed that it was overheating again. ‘This fast?’ Tori thought to herself. She looked back at Matilda and saw fear in her expression again. 

Ell sat back down first and closed her eyes, her lips moving silently in what Tori realized was her girlfriend counting.

“You too.” Matilda said sternly. It must have taken a lot of courage for Matilda to stand up like that, Tori concluded, and sat down.

1

Matilda was shaking.

2

Ell was trying to control her breathing.

3

Tori’s arm was starting to go into cool down mode.

4

Matilda’s knees were buckling as the adrenaline left her.

5

She actually got Tori to stop herself from losing it.

6

Matilda slowly let herself sink to the floor.

7

And realized it was absolutely stupid of her to suggest everyone getting together.

8

That she’s always saying and doing stupid things.

9

Tori’s arm wasn’t cooled down yet but warm enough to be able to touch without burning someone.

10

And so she rushed down to where Matilda was on the floor in tears, pulling her into a tight embrace.

“I’m sorry! I did not mean to scare you like that!” Tori rocked the ginger back and fourth, like Ell told her she should do when Matilda is upset. Ell remained in her seat, surprised that Tori had calmed down so quickly. She could never get her to do that.

Tori helped Matilda onto the couch so that the red head was in between the two women. “I-“ Tori looked Ell in the eyes “-I am sorry. I should not let myself get like that. You are right…I get upset way too easily.” Tori looked ashamed, and Ell realized that this is also the fastest that the Norwegian woman has ever come to giving an apology. A real one at that.  
“Please, continue with what you were saying…I will listen this time.” Tori said with sincerity and Ell didn’t know what to say. She felt disgusted at the envious feeling she had just developed. It was the first time she ever felt something like that against Matilda and it worried her deeply.

“We, uhm…we have to set some rules…lines…boundaries….” Ell tried to recollect her thoughts.

“Go on…” Tori kept her voice soft and her mind open.

“Do we want…to date other people? Is this open?” Ell asked.

“No… I only want you three….” Matilda was chewing on a fingernail and it took the others a second to realize that Matilda was including Tamara. Tori nodded in agreement.

“Okay,“ Ell felt her nerves quell as she grew more comfortable with the conversation, “…should we start…sharing a room?”

Matilda shrugged and a flush took over Tori’s face.

“Maybe we’ll just keep our rooms for now…” Ell suggested.

“I-“ Matilda’s voice was breaking, “-I just want us all to be happy.” Ell put a hand on the ginger’s knee. She wanted to say, ‘we can be happy if we try,’ but she knew that wasn’t a statement that would take them anywhere.

“How do you want us to be happy, Matilda?” Ell pressed on. Matilda shrugged again and began to shake. The finger nail chewing became more aggressive. Ell pulled Matilda’s hand away from her mouth and asked, “What do you mean by happy Matilda?” Said woman shook her head and squeaked, “I don’t know…I just don’t want to you two to fight anymore….”

“But that’s what comes with relationships…” Tori had reached over to move a strand of hair out of Ell’s face as she said this. “I know…” Matilda kept her eyes down. Ell took Matilda by the chin and gently pulled her face up, “Matty, look at me.” Those green eyes slowly moved to Ell’s brown ones. “You didn’t suggest starting this because you thought it’d make things easier did you? You…you love us both….? Right…?” Ell had to know.

At the sudden realization that Matilda may actually not want this, a sense of terror took over Tori. Was this Matilda’s attempt to play mediator? Was this just what Matilda thought would be a good solution rather than a real desire for either of them?

Matilda wanted to look away again but Ell held her chin tightly and pushed further, “You…do you even want this?”

“I do but…” Matilda took a deep breath, “…was this a bad idea…?”

“Absolutely not!” Tori grabbed Matilda’s hand.

“But maybe…” Ell tried to give a reassuring smile, “we need to take this one step at a time…”

Tori raised a brow as Ell elaborated, “Go on some dates together…spend time with each other at the same time…keep talking about what we want…”

“No keeping anything from each other,” Tori added.

“What if Tamara doesn’t want to be apart of it?” Matilda had never sounded more deflated in her life.

“We’ve got to try,” Ell Took Matilda’s other hand and ran her thumb across the knuckles, “it’s better than not trying at all.”

A little bit of hope returned to Matilda.

They sat in silence for a while. The house felt empty and Ell wondered what Tamara was doing right now.

Matilda, out of nowhere, softly said, “Light blue.”

Ell looked confused and Tori asked, “Light blue?”

Matilda felt her optimism return, “I think we should paint the baby’s room light blue.”

Tori squeezed her hand tighter, “I think so, too.”

“You know what else we should do?” Ell asked.

“What?” Tori’s voice was hushed like now they were all sharing a secret.

Ell smiled, big and wide, “We should ask Tamara out on a date.”

Tori didn’t know why this made her blush but it did and Matilda began to squeal, “We’re going on our first date!”

Tori didn’t know why this made her face become even more red but it did.

~

“Tori?” Matilda called out from her bed. Tori was in her own with Ell in her arms, the brunette already asleep. Her snoring was light and she hugged Tori tight keeping the woman from being able to leave the bed. “Yes Matilda?” she answered back. “Do you like Tamara?”

“Yeah why?”

Matilda was quiet. Tori whispered loudly, “Do you like her?”

Shuffling was heard from Matilda’s side of the room before the soft pats of footsteps hitting the floor. Tori shuffled a bit to make room as Matilda came to lay on her other side. The Norwegian woman kept her metal arm under the pillow so that Ell wouldn’t feel the cold steel. So if Tori had a nightmare it wouldn’t cause the arm to shock them both awake. She hated this thing. Her remaining arm became a pillow as Matilda head found a nice spot on her shoulder.

Tori felt Matilda’s hand creep over her stomach to gently grasp Ell’s own, the brunette unconsciously squeezing it.

“I really like her,” is what Matilda finally decided to respond with, “I always have…but I thought it was just like friendship. I know I’m beautiful but when she says it….there’s absolutely no doubt in my mind…even when she didn’t mean the nice things she said sometimes…I loved it.”

Tori’s chest quaked a little in what Matilda realized was the other woman silently laughing. Tori sounded like she was smiling, “Don’t you have like 11 toy animals named after her?” Matilda could see the silhouette of her stuffed rabbit, Miss Tamara, sitting on a chair near the door. “Yeah,” Matilda smiled too. Actually saying she had feelings for Tamara gave her a sense…or relief. She didn’t know why but it made everything that was going on feel more grounded. More real.

Tori gave her a squeeze and kissed her forehead, taking notice that the other smelled like roses.

“I really like you too,” Matilda curled closer to the other. “I guess you are alright,” Tori chuckled and as Matilda gave her a little pinch on her rib cage. “Say you like me back,” Matilda giggled as she kept pinching around Tori’s chest, “Okay! You’ll wake Ell!” Tori gave the ginger another squeeze, “I like you too…a lot.”

Matilda gave a sigh of relief and held her breath when Ell stirred a little and muttered something along the lines of “….fucking…couch wizard.”

Tori felt herself start to drift to sleep as Matilda’s breathing began to even out. She felt absolutely warm with both women in her arms…

~

It was late at night when Matilda was jolted awake by the chirp of her phone ringing. Tori groaned at the annoying ringtone, it was as if Matilda chose it on purpose. Matilda rolled out of the bed landing on her backside with a loud thud. Ell pulled the covers over her head and attempted to curl into a tight ball.

“Matilda turn it off!” Tori massaged her temples and Matilda crawled sluggishly towards her own nightstand. She reached up to grab the phone but ended up knocking it onto the floor. Matilda squinted as she looked at the screen to see the call coming from the name “Joana.” With a single finger she flicked the screen to answer the call and lay down on the floor so the her face was next to it.

“Hello…?” She asked sleepily.

“Matty it’s Joana!” The voice answered.

“I know…” Matilda felt herself drift back to sleep, the floor was extremely comfortable.

“Is Tammy with you? And Martha?” Joana sounded frantic, “They didn’t take their phones and we don’t know where they are!” A baby was crying the background. Matilda grabbed the phone and sat up, now fully awake and anxious, “No. Whose Martha?”

“My wife! They’re both missing! It’s been more than an hour! She always does this! She runs off with out telling us anything! Why can’t she just talk to us?” Joana sounded like she was on the verge of tears.

“Tamara usually comes back though! She always does!” Matilda tried to reassure. At the sound of the word Tamara, Ell and Tori immediately sat up.

“I’m not talking about Tamara! I’m talking about Martha! She pretends like she’s fine and then disappears!” The baby started to cry louder and someone was talking in another language she didn’t understand but it sounded familiar. 

Joana lets out a sigh of relief, “They’re back! Oh thank god! I’m sorry I called so late! Goodnight!”

Matilda tried to say, “Wait! Tell me your address! We need to see her again!” but the phone had already hung up.

Matilda was left sitting on the floor in shock. Tori and Ell crawled out of bed to join her. “Who was that?” Ell was desperate to know. “Joana…Tamara had run off with her wife or something…but they came back.”

“Her wife?” Ell tried to recall and remembered Tamara once mentioning that Joana had married one of the other neighbors, but she couldn’t recall which one. Tori felt the jealousy return, “Did she say where they lived?”

“No. She hun-“ before Matilda could respond her phone let out a quick chirp. They huddled around to read the text from Joana. It was an address.

“We’re going tomorrow,” Ell said with determination, “first thing in the morning.”

“Yes,” Tori agreed.

“Not you,” Ell responded.

“What? Why not?” Tori could not believe that Ell would even suggest not going.

“If Joana is married to Martha that’s good and well. But if she’s married to…Elena…we may have a problem.” Ell scratched the back of her neck.

“I can take her,” Tori flexed her metal arm but this made Ell shake her head. “She sort of vowed to kill you, cause that missile…it hit Joana…and I think she still has superpowers…and she’s really scary…”

“I-“ Tori smiled confidently “-can take her.”

“I don’t want any violence to happen,” Matilda put a hand on Tori’s shoulder, “if you’re plan is to fight her then I don’t think you should go either.” Tori couldn’t believe that Matilda was agreeing with Ell. “I have to go! We have to do this together. If it’s just you two then she won’t believe that I want to be apart of this. Want her to be apart of this…” Tori looked down at her metal arm.

“Then promise me you won’t fight her,” Ell gave her a stern look, “even if she tries to start it.”

Tori thought about this for a moment. She was the kind of woman that was easily provoked and clearly this Elena woman had a grudge against her. But if she didn’t go then Tamara would never know how much she meant to her. She was tired of being idle about her feelings.

Tori let out a sigh of defeat, “I promise.”

“You promise what?” Ell crossed her arms and Tori rolled her eyes.

“I promise not to fight this woman…even if she starts it.”

Ell smiled and Matilda quickly wrapped her arms around the both of them.  
“I’ll bring a bat just in case,” Matilda whispered.

“Elena’s not that bad!” Ell snorted.

“I’m still bringing it.”

Tori nodded in agreement.

~

They got up and all three woman felt giddy that morning. Matilda put on a nice outfit and Tori rehearsed what she wanted to say to Tamara:

“Your eyes are like the night sky.”

Ell was sitting on her bed combing out her hair, “Maybe pull back a bit.”

Tori crossed that one of her list. 

“Your the cutest bowling ball I’ve ever seen.”

Ell checked her hair in a medium sized mirror that stood on her nightstand, “Too much.”

“I want to fight you…romantically.”

Ell pulled her hair into a ponytail, “I would just let me do the talking.”

Tori balled up the paper in her hands and threw it into the trashcan. Matilda walked in and did a 360 spin before flopping onto Tamara’s bed, messing up her hair. Ell put on her usual hoodie. “You’re not going to put something nicer on?” Matilda asked, checking her freshly filed nails. The brunette put her arms up, “this is my best hoodie! Look! No holes in this one!”

Matilda let out a huff and jumped up, “Ell we need to have an intervention, you only ever wear one thing,” she said as she walked over to Ell’s wardrobe and started digging through her outfits. She pulled out a green dress that made Tori’s heart melt. It was the same one Ell wore to their first date all those years ago. A wonderful bright green summer dress that went a little above the knees. Tori remembered that day, the way it fluttered in the breeze, revealing a little more skin. So unlike Ell’s usual attire. Ell got dressed up all for Tori that day and Tori held that memory dear to her heart.

Ell snorted, “a little much.”

“Please wear it,” Tori hoped she didn’t sound too love-struck.

“Nah,” Ell didn’t seem to remember that day as well as Tori did.

“What about this?” Matilda pulled out a tighter black one that was mid-thigh. Tori almost felt the wind get knocked out of her. Ell wore that dress on the date that led to their first time together.

“Good god Matilda. Absolutely not! I haven’t worn that in years.” Ell blushed. That date Ell did remember just as well as Tori.

“Please wear it,” Tori repeated, drooling a little.

Ell shook her head and tried to suppress a laugh. She wagged a finger at Tori, “See, this is why you and Tamara work because you both have one track minds. I’m wearing this and that’s that.” Ell stomped her foot in a gesture that was meant to be intimidating but ended up being adorable. Tori tried not say anything but Matilda pinched Ell’s cheek, “Okay then darling! No dresses!”

As they were leaving, Matilda pulled a bat out from under her bed. “Put it down,” Ell commanded but Matilda shook her head, “Better safe than sorry.”

“Elena’s not that bad! Honestly! I’m sure if that’s who Joana’s married then we’ll be fine,” Ell smiled.

“Alright,” Matilda said but still gave it to Tori to hide in the car.

~

And so they pulled up to a pastel pink house.

It was a fairly quiet looking neighborhood, a nice place to raise children. The address led them to this house that reminded Matilda of a children’s book she once read to a 6-year old in the burn unit. A little plastic pool was in front of it along with a few toys. “I’ll park a block away,” Tori stated. Ell gave her a confused look, “Why?”

“Never let the enemy know what your car looks like,” Tori responded curtly.

“I can’t believe you,” Ell shook her head, “I just said that she’s not that bad. This isn’t a battle.”

“I brought the bat,” Matilda said from the back.

Ell whipped her head to see the ginger beaming triumphantly. “I told you not to bring that! What is wrong with you two?” Ell angrily switched her gaze between the two. They got out of the vehicle and Ell noticed that Tori’s car almost stuck out like a sore thumb. A bright red car among the muted colors of minivans and beige houses. The only thing that matched its intensity was that of the pink house. 

As they walked down the neighborhood they felt out of place. Especially Ell. They felt like teenagers in their parent’s office building. This is what adults did. Marry, buy a nice house in neighborhoods such as this, raise children, die. It’s what their own parents did. Ell felt it all to be a bit clinical. Will they move to a neighborhood like this?

Ell didn’t like the quietness of the area or the idea of it. Maybe if it’s with all four of them it wouldn’t be so bad.

As they approached the house, someone appeared to be outside.

Ell hoped it wasn’t who she thought it was but as they approached, she could practically hear the Spanish guitars. Elena was outside, watering the lawn with a mug of coffee in her hand. However, there was something serene about her, something Ell had never seen before. There was no anger knitting the hispanic woman’s brow and that scowl that Ell remembered so vividly was no where on the woman’s lips.

They were both the same age but Elena actually had the air of an adult around her. She fit perfectly into place among the houses and minivans and in a good way. Ell could only stand and stare. Elena must have felt herself being watched because her brows knit as her wild eyes widened and shifted to where the three girls stood.

They just stared at each other. Not moving from their spot. None of them knowing what to do or say. Elena had long ago set aside the grudge she held against Ell but still didn’t know how to be “friends” with her. You can’t exactly be chums after you’ve hated that person so deeply and for so long. Everything Elena did was to spite Ell. Her whole philosophy was based on vengeance until she thought she had lost Joana forever. Do they say: Hi, how’ve you been? How’s life? Work? Would you care for a cup of tea? What do they say?

Elena spoke first.

“What do you want losers?” 

And regretted it. 

Old habits die hard, so they say. 

She really meant to say ‘Hi’ but she had trouble processing the situation. Ell’s unconscious instinct was to clench her fists and stiffen her whole body. She resisted the urge to hiss the other’s name through gritted teeth and said “I’d like to see Tamara…if that’s alright.”

“I’ve got a kid now,” Elena didn’t know why she felt the need to say that. She wasn’t trying to deflect the subject but her need to try and function like a normal person around Ell pushed the words out of her mouth. Tamara once described an emotion similar to what Elena felt in that moment but the hispanic woman couldn’t recall the name of that feeling or the conversation.

“Boy or girl?” Ell asked because she also wanted to be normal with Elena but found it extremely hard.

“Girl,” Elena answered.

“Name?” Ell wasn’t breaking eye contact.

“Amy,” Elena felt like she was in some sort of demented staring contest. She feared blinking for absolutely no reason.

“That’s a cute name,” Ell meant it.

“Thank you,” and Elena knew she meant it because she knew that Ell was actually a really nice person and that they probably would have been great friends if their teacher had prioritized camaraderie over competition.

The entire conversation was said in monotone and out of awkwardness.

Matilda was smiling big and wide, “How old is she?”

Elena smiled back, “She’s gonna be 1 soon.”

Matilda squealed.

The tension eased a little.

“Is…Tamara here?” Ell felt rude for asking. She felt like she should be asking more about how Elena’s been doing but the awkwardness fueled her need to see Tamara again. She always felt more at ease with Tamara around.

Elena shut off the nozzle before dropping it carelessly onto the lawn. She put a hand on her hip, “Y’know, she’s always the one going back but this is the first time I’ve seen you making the first move.” 

Ell didn’t know what to say. She always went looking for Tamara but it never occurred to her that she was never successful. Even during the past few days she had given up and assumed that Tamara would just come back on her own…she felt terrible.

“She’s asleep,” Elena said, trying to keep the kindness in her tone. She didn’t want Ell to feel bad about what she has just said. “Would…” Elena tried to think of what Joana would do,”…like to…come in for…tea?” It felt so unnatural because Elena is not the kind to sit around and chat over tea but Ell smiling put her more at ease. “I think I’d like that very much,” Ell responded and Elena felt like Joana and Martha would be proud if they had seen her.

Ell comes close and Elena’s eyes move to see the smiling red-head and….

Elena once had to describe the stages of her anger to an anger management counselor two years ago and this is what she said: She’ll be absolutely fine until she see something, or someone, that triggers her. It is step one: “The Trigger” and then step two: “Blind Rage.” Step one doesn’t happen very often. However, Elena grew up never knowing how to healthily express herself, which means that every time step one does happen, it gives a perfectly understandable, but not justifiable (according to said anger management counselor), reason as to why Elena is so quick to move to step two.

Martha was in the kitchen feeding Amy when she heard, “HIJA DE PUTA!!!” from outside. She picked up Amy and ran out to see her wife charge at a smaller, blonde woman who held her ground.

Elena tackled Tori to the grass and swung her fists as hard she could towards Tori’s face. “ELENA!” Martha screamed, “ STOP! DO YOUR COUNTING!” That’s what the counselor told Elena to do but Elena only screamed back, “FUCK THE COUNTING!!!” Tori did her best to block the punches but Elena was delivering them so quickly that not only did she manage to land a couple but dent the metal of her arm a little when she didn’t. When Ell tried to pull the hispanic woman off of her girlfriend she noticed that it was like trying to pull a boulder. Elena still had her powers.

Matilda ran towards the car and Ell shouted, “Where are you going!?!?”

“I’m getting the bat!” Matilda answered back. Some neighbors were peeking out of their houses and some began to appear on their lawns. Martha looked as if she were going to break down, “ELENA YOU’RE CAUSING A SCENE!” Said woman shoved Ell back and picked Tori up to throw her across the lawn. She landed with a hard thud and was reminded of the time Paola had accidentally hit her with a tank. Tori tried to crawl away, desperately chanting in her mind, ‘Don’t fight, Don’t fight, Don’t fight!’ However, upon quickly glancing past Elena to see Ell on the ground, Tori’s protective instincts kicked in and she tried to rush over to her.

She was about to pass Elena but a strong arm snatched her by the shoulder and she was soon pulled into a chokehold. Ell jumped up at the sound of gurgling and ran over to try and pry Elena’s arms off. Ell heard a baby crying out and realized that Martha had a small infant in her arms, said woman was hyperventilating. The front door opened and a thin woman with light brown hair popped out. At the sight of the struggle, the woman screamed, “ELENA STOP THAT! THE NEIGHBORS ARE WATCHING!”

“YOU WERE IN A FUCKING COMA BECAUSE OF HER!” Elena turned to the woman easing up a bit.

Ell realized that the woman was Joana.

“WHAT?” Joana screamed.

“SHE ALMOST KILLED YOU!” Elena retightened her grip and Ell began to panic. She got behind Elena and tried to do the same but it was as if Ell weighed nothing. 

Elena was filled with nothing but pure rage at the moment, “YOU HAD TO GO TO THERAPY!” Ell regretted telling Tori not to fight back because Elena sounded like she meant to end Tori once and for all.

Joana’s fists clenched and she stomped her foot, “I’M AWARE OF THAT ELENA BECAUSE I WAS FUCKING THERE AND I’M ALIVE SO STOP THIS!” Joana never seemed like the type to curse but she never looked more angry,

“SHE HAS TO PAY!” Elena shouted and Martha’s breathing became erratic as the baby cried even louder, “Count!- wheeze- COUNT!”

Joana went from angry to panicked and she ran back inside. Martha looked like she was going to pass out.

Tori tried to pull and scratch at Elena’s arms. She wanted to kick and fight but a voice in her head kept screaming, ‘DON’T FIGHT, DON’T FIGHT, DON’T FIGHT!’ 

Joana ran back out and pleaded for her wife to stop. Elena shouted, “THIS IS THE BITCH THAT ALMOST KILLED YOU!” and Joana screamed back, “I HAVE EYES ELENA! I CAN SEE THAT! STOP!” Martha shouted with such desperation, “ELENA YOU’RE GONNA GET ARRESTED! AGAIN!”

Ell was about to scream for Tori to fight but she heard a voice she had been aching to hear for what felt like centuries shout, “Elena! Stop that!” Said woman, as if a switch had just been flicked off, immediately dropped Tori to the ground. The Norwegian woman coughed harshly as she tried to regain her breath. The last time it had hurt to breathe this badly was when Paola had accidentally set off a pepper bomb. Her vision was a little unfocused but she could see the hispanic woman lean down with an expression of anger that could have rivaled Tamara’s. Tori kept her mouth shut and the woman said through gritted teeth, “You’re not worth murdering. I ain’t going to jail for you. I got two bangin’ wives and a daughter and I’m not gonna screw that up.” The woman pulled away and said to someone, “Your turn.” She grabbed the blonde that was panicking a few feet away and pulled her towards the house. The door slammed and it was as if nothing happened.

Ell helped Tori up once her lungs didn’t feel like they were on fire. She wondered if her eye had popped a blood vessel. For sure there would be bruises. Tamara sniffed and kicked at the ground, “What are you guys doing here?” The action reminded Tori of a broken little teenager. Ell gave Tori’s shoulder a squeeze before she walked towards Tamara, “We need to talk.”

“I said I was moving out…who told you where I was?” Tamara looked toward the house and grimaced. Tori felt her heart drop. Was Tamara never planning to come back? When Ell tried to wrap her arms around Tamara, the other pushed them away. This isn’t going the way Tori thought it would in her mind. Tamara wasn’t even happy to see Ell. The eyeless woman is usually melting at the sight of Ell but it’s different now. Is this Tori’s fault? Tamara stepped back, “Look, I have a kid to worry about and myself-“ Tamara looked right at Tori, “-I can’t be in a place with someone who doesn’t like me-“

Tori refused to let Tamara finish that sentence, “But I do!” She stayed cautious and aware of the front door but stepped closer. Tamara shook her head, “I have to move out! I can’t deal with anything else right now-“

“That’s fine!” Ell interrupted. Tori couldn’t believe what Ell was saying. Ell feared that Tamara would run again, “We just-“

They heard someone running towards them and Matilda shouted, “TORI I’M COMING!” Ell turned to see Matilda with the bat that she told her not to bring and that the neighbors that had come to watch were returning to their homes. “Where’d she go?” Matilda asked but at the sight of Tamara her heart swelled with such joy and longing that she stopped caring about the whereabouts of Elena. She frantically ran towards Tamara and, just like Ell, tried to embrace her, “We missed you!” Tamara pushed her away as well and Matilda looked hurt. Tamara started to step back and it made Tori anxious. Tamara shut her eyes as if the sight of the others made her ill, “I love you guys but it’s obvious that I can’t be under the same roof with yo-“

“That’s fine!” Ell interrupted again. ‘That’s not fine!’ Tori thought to herself, she didn’t want Tamara to move out. She didn’t want Tamara out of her life ever again. Ell sounded frantic, “You-you don’t have to move back in! You can do whatever you want! Whatever makes you happy! I’ll accept it!

“WE’LL accept it!” Matilda added.

Tori didn’t say anything because she wouldn’t accept it. She’ll lose it completely if Tamara leaves.

Tamara’s looked fragile and her body began to quake in what Tori determined was the anxiety that constantly plagued the brunette. “Then WHY are you HERE?” Tamara asked through gritted teeth.

It was time to tell Tamara how they felt. Time to ask Tamara to be with them. At least give them a chance but the words backed up in Ell’s throat like a traffic jam, “We want- I just- Tori she- Matilda- oh god this is hard….”

Tamara pinched the bridge of her nose. She turned to the window and mouthed something. Tamara’s posture and shaking hands were a clear warning sign that Tori recognized. Tamara was about to take off again. Tori’s fears were confirmed when the musician shook her head and started to step back. Ell came to the same realization that Tori had and panicked, “wait!” Matilda didn’t know what to do as she remembered that Tamara never liked her much. Tori was about to get up and grab Tamara despite knowing that that was probably a very terrible idea and would only make things worse but she was desperate.

The front door swung open and the woman that nearly killed her reappeared. All the adrenaline that Tori almost mustered died and she ran behind Matilda who raised the bat to protect her. Elena looked directly at Ell who froze under the other’s gaze. Ell had a very passive mother who said that the things you want always come with time. Elena was nothing like her mother as she called out, “FIGHT FOR HER PUTA!”

It was all the fire that Ell needed to finally get her to shout to Tamara, “WE WANT TO TAKE YOU OUT TO SEE A MOVIE!” 

And it actually stopped Tamara in her tracks.


End file.
